You’re unbeleafable.
What do gnomes love to sing while gardening?
Gnome Worry, Bee Happy.
What's a pun's favorite love song?
"My Punny Valentine!"
Why does James Bond Have grey hair?
Because there's no time to dye!
My grandpa left me a violin and an oil painting in his will.
When I took them to be valued, I was told that they were by Van Gogh and Stradivarius. Sadly they were worthless as Van Gogh was rubbish at making violins and Stradivarius was an awful painter.
Baby flamingos really are badly behaved. I think it’s because their parents never put their foot down.
When you go to the wolf hotel just around the corner, you will meet this huge, moustached wolf who always says, “howl may I help you?” as if he has no other words to us!
What do you call a divorce but for bananas?
Banana split!
To catch a polar bear you surround a hole in the ice with peas
Then, when he goes to take a pea you kick him in the ice hole.
Are you an alien? Because I believe you’ve abducted my heart.
He threw three free throws.
How did the pizza escape the oven?
Through the dough!
What’s the first line of the pig bible? “In the bacon-ing…”
Have you ever heard of mushroom cars? Well, they have an interesting sound which goes line shroom shroom!
The Montreal baseball team relocated to Tampa after being purchased by the
Exposito bros.
Getting lucked up on St. Patrick’s Day.
What do you call a rental car in Spain?
A Barceloaner.
What kind of car does a mouse drive?
A mini van.
What do you call a hot dog race? Wiener takes all.
Where do rabbits learn how to fly? In the hare force!
Where do vampire bats go to take out a loan?
To the blood bank.
What do you do if your nose goes on strike?
Picket.
The mom to the naughty vampire said to him, “Watch your battitude, that is not how you talk to your elders.”
Crows, they just love sports, crow-quet to be precise.
What kind of tea do babies drink? Tit Tea.
Finally, the call came in and the orange was informed by the person on the other end of the line that the company had orange-d an interview for the following day.
They figured it was the best way to break the ice.
My wife was describing the pair of Toucans the zoo recently acquired.
I responded "You mean a four-can?"
When the Vikings discovered America, what did they name it?
Norse America.
What's grandma's favorite fruit?
a Ba-nana.
Why was the man with a beard in pain?
Because he had a must ache.
Why do benched players always seem to look so wise? They don’t have to look like fools on the floor and entertain the crowds.
The skeleton couldn't keep anything tidy because of his lazy bones.
The police told me they'd throw me in jail the next time they caught me stealing board games.
But that's a Risk I'm willing to take.
How can you tell where the Easter Bunny left his treasure
Eggs marks the spot.
Why don’t vampires use the front door?
Because they use the bat flap instead.
Where was Solomon’s temple located?
On the side of his head.
I had an art contest with my friend.
It ended in a draw.
My friend was bragging that his new 3D printer can print a gun, but I’m not impressed.
I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
Is a cowboy with his foot across the Canadian border in Canada?
Just aboot.
What did you call the cat next door 10,000 years ago?
A neighbor-toothed tiger.
What do you call an elf who hasn’t had a date in two years or more?
Elf on the shelf.
Scissors sizzle, thistles sizzle.
If you need an Ark, I Noah guy.
I got a job working in a hayfield. After one day I bailed.
My nerdy friend just got a PhD on the history of palindromes.
We now call him Dr. Awkward.
If Santa made love to a pickle, what would they call their baby?
Claussen.
When a girl saw a sad alligator at the zoo she asked him; hey are you cai-man?
When the little boy was baking a cake why did it run away? Because it said crack 2 eggs then beat it!
I managed to fix the toilet all on my own today! I'm so proud of myself. Some would even go as far as to say I'm...
flushed with success.
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