“The North Pole doesn’t import goods because it’s Elf Sufficient.”
What did the ghost buy at the bar? Boos!
What is the first thing that bats learn at school? The alphabat.
How are pirates like trumpets?
They murder the high C’s!
How much does a flower love their friends?
Bunches.
What do you call a bear that jumps but never lands?
Peter Panda.
What is the most desirable kitchen appliance?
A hot plate.
Why are bad knitters and Christmas trees alike? They both drop their needles.
What happens when a cow stops shaving?
It grows a Moostache.
What can you do if you are the ocean?
Watever you want.
What did the avocado say to the fork? “You guac my world.”
Denise sees the fleece, Denise sees the fleas. At least Denise could sneeze and feed and freeze the fleas.
I made some fish tacos last night....
But they just ignored them and swam away.
What’s a skeletons favorite wrestling event?
A rib cage match.
My uncle moved to Spain to sing on stage by night and sell UPVC windows by day. He changed his name to....
Enrique Doubleglazius.
What do you call James Bond taking a bath?
Bubble 07
After which knight is a town in England named? Sir Rey!
Why did the painter take a dump on the floor?
It was the work of fart.
Rainbows are very uncommon, they are blue and far between.
Stuck on what to get your Mum for Mother's Day?
Get her a fridge and watch her face light up as she opens it.
Why are shovels, trowels, and spades so common in down-to-earth novels and movies?
Because they're plot devices.
Q. How do you make a sasquatch, a yeti, or a bigfoot laugh?
A. Tell it a gorilla joke!
What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist’s arm?
A tattoo.
I like my pasta the way I like my medieval Italian literature.
All Dante.
Did you hear Harry’s girlfriend left him for Keith?
Yeah, she was always telling the poor guy to Harry up, turns out she found someone who could Keith better.
I bought a wig for my wife, at a discount store...
Didn't want toupee full price.
Have you read the book about hands? It’s a real page turner.
Llama know if you don’t like these puns and alpaca my suitcase and leave!
What did the scientist’s cat say? I think I’ve lost an electron, I’m pawsitive!
Do you think that the mummies enjoyed being the mummies? Of corpse they did!
I can't find my humidifier anymore...
I have reported it misting.
You are in my heart, my mind, and in my entire body.
In fact, my doctor says that you must be a parasite!
A man once said when is Monday coming? His wife said Mon-soon.
Lightning sometimes shocks people because it just doesn't know how to conduct itself.
When the moisture from the sky stops falling
It really stops waning
What did the duck say when he dropped the dishes?
“I hope I didn’t quack any.”
Why are you bringing me to this mountain river after our couple therapy session?!
Our therapist said I need to valley date you.
I saw a pun on chocolate bars but it wasn’t that fun
So I just snickered.
What do you call a deer that can write with both hands?
Bambi-dextrous.
What do you call 3 knights in a relationship?
Polyarmory
Why can’t you breed a eel with and eagle?
It’s Eeleagle.
Tobacco companies have made an orange flavored cigarette?
“They call it “Nico-tang”
This year, I've really enjoyed watching 'Planet Earth'.
It's a shame that it only has four seasons.
What do you get if cross a baseball player and a monster?
A double header.
Why was the sedimentary rock extra cheap?
Because it was on shale.
A tiger lost a storytelling competition recently as he has only got one tail.
What does the zombie say to her zombie crush?
- Are you going to kiss me or rot?
What is the trees favorite fruit? Pine-apple.
Why don’t most restaurants serve giraffe?
Because it’s a tall order.
What did the daddy potato say to his son before his soccer game? I’m rooting for you!
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