How does a Pegasus ask her boyfriend to propose?
She says “You’ve got to put a wing on it.”
An army of werewolves is known as a Fur-eign Legion.
Looking for a boyfriend in engineering: the odds are good, but the goods are odd.
Who needs friends when you’ve got anemones?
What rock would you find inside a garden shed?
Shedimentary.
Why did the bus driver stay out all night? He was 'driving' around town!
Why are artists so temperamental? They have to get into the right frame of mind.
Why is Christmas the cheesiest holiday? Baby cheeses. (Baby Jesus)
I heard there are some fires near Greece
We’re gonna need a lot of baking soda.
What kind of a key opens a banana? A monkey!
I was talking to my Mom the other day and she mentioned that none of her sisters needed the vaccine.
Turned out they already had the auntybodies.
There is a Giant Screwdriver attacking the city. Please seek shelter immediately. This is not a drill.
What did the llama say when he was invited to the picnic?
Alpaca lunch.
Why didn't the watermelon marry the strawberry?
They cantaloupe.
Did you hear about the Spanish ocean?
Si.
I created a vaccine for apathy, but unfortunately no one seems interested.
Something’s goat to give.
My father quietly retired from his job as an eye glass manufacturer yesterday.
He didn’t want to make a spectacle.
What do you use to brush a dead cat? A catacomb!
What do you get when you photocopy fruit?
Paper jam.
What do penguins wear on their heads?
Ice caps.
Why does the superhero shred his cheese?
For the grater good.
The only things wolves have that no other animal on the face of the earth has are wolf cubs.
Why did the sloth get fired from his job? He would only do the BEAR minimum.
What did the astronaut cook for lunch? An unidentifiable frying object.
You must be a defibrillator because you are sending shocks directly to my heart.
There are good and bad times to buy a flamingo. Bad times are when they’re expensive, the best times are when they’re cheep.
I felt so guilty after I stepped on that worm this morning. You should have seen it, it looked genuinely crushed.
Man: "I’ve had really bad gas lately." Doctor: D"on’t worry, it will pass."
What kind of tea does Billy like?
Ability.
What fruit do vampire bats like the best?
Neck-tarines.
What’s a good way to start a conversation with a cheese plate on Tinder?
“Hello. Is it brie you’re looking for?”
I handed my dad a calculator for his birthday. with a dissapointed scowl on his face, he asked me: "Wheres the pi?"
I got so mad at my partner hitting moonballs, I had to pusher off the court.
Is a goat that eats office supplies on a staple diet?
What did the car call his new band?
Back Seat Boys.
What do you call a cap to a jar that doesn't fit?
An invalid.
Why was a realtor amused by solving a house jigsaw puzzle in just five weeks?
The box read for 10-14 years!
Strawberries are berry healthy. They pack a punch when it comes to beating cancer and other diseases.
What is a monkey's favorite cookie? Chocolate chimp!
Why don't turkeys like math?
Because when they added three to five...
They got Ate.
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What do you get when you cross a turkey with a centipede?
Enough drumstics for a month.
My friend claims he works in a soap factory, adding a key ingredient to the process...
He's a lye-er.
Do you know where in a hospital the invisible man can't hide?
The ICU.
There's a criminal who lives at the end of the rainbow, who likes to trick people. He is called the lepre-con artist.
Why are bunnies always tired in April? Because they just finished a March.
A pig just won the lottery. What do you call him? Filthy rich.
Why are nuns such great sprint runners?
'Cause they're used to being chaste.
The only thing that looks like half a strawberry is the other half.
A man lost his toe when he dropped a knife on it:
Doctor: I have good news and bad news.
Guy: "Whats the bad news?"
Doc: "They replaced your toe with a piece of candy."
Guy: OMG, and the good news?
Doc: You now have a tic tac toe.
What did the eyewitness tell the cops after a computer robbed a bank?
It went data way!
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