What do time and space have in common with family?
It's all relative.
What do you call a cow with two legs?
Lean beef.
A lettuce farm was busted by the FDA on suspicion of combining plant and human DNA to create a new protein hybrid.
When they dug up the grounds the found human romaines.
Q. Why did the gorilla cross the road?
A. To get to the monkey biz on the other side.
Pardon me if I’m being pool-itically incorrect.
What do you call a ruler of Egypt that hunts whales with a folding bed?
Futon Harpoon
What did the Catholic Nectarine Priest say to the church? Peach be with you. It was a normal thing to hear from the pul-pit.
What did the black pepper say to his wife after coming out of the grinder?
"Don't worry. I'm fine."
What do you call a snowman that tells tall tales?
A snow-fake!
Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water?
He had a very esteemed colleague.
What did the metamorphic rock say during the test? This is too much pressure!
The tree got so tired of fighting with autumn, that he said, "Enough is enough! I'm leaf-ing".
You have a pizza my heart.
In the magazine polls held this fall, Autumn was declared as the cutest season because it's awwwtumn!
What is at the end of a rainbow?
The letter W.
I like my matches like my tennis balls: Pressureless.
What's the slogan for the New York Demon Chomping Advocacy Group?
Gobble the ghoul.
Six slimy snails sailed silently.
Why did the bees go on strike? Because they wanted more honey and shorter working flowers.
My landlord asked me out on a date.
He said I should be out of the house by the 17th.
My sister wanted to marry the postman
but our parents didn't letter.
Which Oiler great had a soft spot for Indian food? Jari Curry.
Q: What kind of desserts does a turkey like?
A: Peach gobbler.
Why was the cabinet maker fired on his first day?
He just couldn't get a handle on it.
What are strange donuts made out of?
Weird-doughs.
I lost one pea from my plate at dinner the other day. It was an escape-pea.
What do alligators and Windows have in common?
Neither of them has enough bytes!
Why was the cow always exercising? To build up its moo-scles
An ig is just a snow house without a loo!
What makes nuts healthy? They have many nut-rients.
I had no one to help me when my computer and phone mutinied
I was left to my own devices.
A man struggled to cut up his dinner. His wife asked, “what’s wrong, hunny?” The man sighed, and said:
“This knife just isn’t gonna cut it.”
What do you call a snake with no clothes on?
Snaked.
Where do penguins keep their money?
In a snow bank!
If you mix a ghost and a cow together, you will create vanishing cream.
Q. Which Louisville race exclusively features buck and stag contestants?
A. The Kentucky Deer-by.
Where did the kittens go on a school field trip? To the mewseum
What is a grammar vampire's least favourite drink?
Type-O.
What do horses like to put on their egg salad sandwiches?
MayoNAYS!
I hear you like wine, too. Grape minds think alike.
Why is the Medieval period often called the Dark Ages?
Because there were so many knights.
My friend was explaining at length how he was digging holes in his backyard for water.
He was boring.
It started raining coins outside today.
I guess it’s just climate change.
Why did the man eat the light bulb? He was hoping it would give him a bright idea.”
I hate getting tide down in one place. So let's take an ad-van-ture.
Who’s an apple’s favorite relative?
Granny.
How do you know if a spine finds you funny?
It starts cracking up.
Where do cows go on vacation?
Moo York.
What trophy do you get if you never score any points? The Art Rouse.
Did you know there were cars in America before Christopher Columbus arrived?
The Cherokees.
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