Which building do vampires always visit when in New York?
The Vampire State Building.
What problem do you encounter with twin witches?
You can never tell which is witch.
Why is the Medieval period often called the Dark Ages?
Because there were so many knights.
How did the ponies stay in touch?
C-horse-pondence.
Is it acceptable to take the epidermis from your butt and graft it onto a buddy?
Ass skin for a friend.
What does a winged horse drink from at a party?
A keg-asus.
What do people with ambition drink? Loft-Tea.
Where did the kittens go on a school field trip? To the mewseum
Why don’t you see penguins in Britain?
Because they’re afraid of Wales.
Before the Koalaville basketball team can play for the national championship, they have to make it through the koalafying rounds.
Took a flight, and my luggage got torn to pieces....
My lawyer said I don't have much of a case.
Why should you never mention the number 288?
Because it’s two gross.
How can you tell which end of a worm is which?
Tell it a funny Halloween joke and see which end laughs!
What happened when Dr. Frankenstein swallowed some uranium?
He got atomic ache.
Which is the fanciest onion? A cocktail onion.
When the Vikings discovered America, what did they name it?
Norse America.
Two fish are in a tank, one says to the other "how do you drive this thing?"
What do you call an East-European cosmetic?
Nail Polish.
Why was the pig crying? Because he was boar-ed to tears.
Why does a skeleton always tell the truth?
He wants tibia honest.
A musician told me he was going to hit me with the neck of his guitar.
I replied, “Is that a fret?”
The mountain got promoted because he was at the peak of his career!
What kind of man was Boaz before he married?
Ruthless.
Vampires can always Count on Dracula.
How do ghosts find out their future? They read their horror-scopes.
How do you make a goldfish old?
Take away the “G”!
Linda-Lou Lambert Loves Lemon Lollipop Lipgloss.
Why did the obtuse angle go to the beach?
Because it was over 90 degrees.
What do you call it when the axe in your hand falls on your feet.
An AXEIDENT.
“Why did the elf push his bed into the fireplace? He wanted to sleep like a log.”
Did you hear the Islamic music group who covered "I've Got You Babe?"
Sunni and Shia.
What is a scarecrow’s favorite fruit?
Strawberries.
Why do saxophone players get so many dates?
Because they have sax appeal
Their romance started by candlelight.
But it only lasted a wick.
How do you measure the heaviness of a red hot chili pepper?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.
What do rabbits like to sing? “Every bunny was kung fu fighting.”
When she saw her first strands of gray hair...
She thought she would dye.
Why did the T-Rex eat hamburgers? Because he is a meat eater!
Did you see that movie about King Kong, the giant ape?
The plot was pretty bananas.
What’s the best dessert to serve at a St. Patrick’s Day party?
Paddy cake!
What do you call an outlaw goat?
Billy the Kid.
Why did the computer spy get fired?
She couldn't hack it.
Why was the cow so scared?
Because he was a cow-ard.
What is a kangaroo’s favorite season?
Spring!
What can you only drink in the Middle East? Dust-Tea.
Why did the little British boy become an Ancient Egyptian Historian?
Because he wanted his mummy to be proud him.
What is the funniest fish in the sea?
A clownfish.
I'm reading a horror story in Braille and something bad is about to happen...
I can feel it.
What kind of birthday cake do they serve in heaven?
Angel food cake.
If you’re looking for a job, get trained in horticulture. It’s a growing industry.
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