Walking through the farm and a group of pigs jumped out of a tree at me. It was a hambush.
What's a frog's favorite game?
Hop-scotch (or leapfrog).
Easter dinner was great today
We made sure it had all the crucifixins'.
What will you call a crazy spaceman? An astronaut.
What happens if you break the brain scanner?
My friend can't afford expensive art, she has no Monet.
Dad fertilized the garden with corn starch.
The plot thickens.
---
What do you call mountain climbing corn?
Mountain-ears.
So my daughter is calling me all excited. I come by her room to her holding her cup above her head and says "Dad look..."
"I'm breathing underwater."
Why are automatic doors like knights?
Because they're chivalrous!
Two snakes parted.
The first one said, “Fangs for the memories”.
Does Mr. Otterton listen to Gazelle? Yes he's a rabid fan.
Q. Whay aren't gorillas afraid of zombies?
A. Because the ape-ocalypse doesn't frighten them.
A chicken goes into a library. He stands at the librarian's desk and says, "Buk," so she gives him a book. A couple of minutes later, the chicken returns. "Buk," he says, and she hands him another book. This goes on and on.
Finally, it is the librarian's break time. She goes out back to get some fresh air by the pond. That is when she sees the chicken and a frog on a lilypad. "Buk," says the chicken as he tosses a book to the frog. "Reddit," replies the frog...
Q. What did the witch get when she crossed a doe with a tornado?
A. A whirling deer-vish.
If Stu chews shoes, should Stu choose the shoes he chews?
Why do toadstools grow so close to each other? They do not need mushroom to grow.
How did the mother know her child would become a neuroanatomist?
He was constantly staining stuff.
What’s the difference between Jesus and pizza?
Jesus can’t be topped.
Wish upon a starfish.
My wife asked, “If someone’s body just isn’t fighting the virus, would getting the vaccine help?”
I told her I think it’s worth a shot.
Several years ago, I lost all my hair. Yes, I'm bald. But, I still keep my comb. I bring it with me everywhere still.
I just can't part with it.
Who is the most powerful potato? Darth Tater.
What do you get from a bad-tempered shark?
You get as far away as possible.
Why did the girl walk into the ice cream store with an umbrella?
She heard there were going to be sprinkles
You wanna know how I remember every poop I take?
I keep a log.
What do you call a food waste disposter installed in the sink?
In-sink-erator
Driving a truck carrying cutlery is easy – as soon as you see the fork in the road, you know you’re there.
What do you call a pickle doctor?
A dill pusher.
Australia announced that they have begun dumping sewage into the ocean
It’s now classified as an in-continent.
What does a deer call her boyfriend?
Cari-boo.
What is the difference between a chemist and a geologist? While a geologist will drink anything fermented, a chemist just
drinks anything that is distilled.
Strawberries are berry healthy. They pack a punch when it comes to beating cancer and other diseases.
Billy turned in his art project and his teacher said, “This piece of paper has nothing on it?”
Billy replied “I know, I drew a blank.”
Some local engineers took a train for a service, but the vicar said it was blocking the aisle.
Why did the magician have to cancel his show? Because he just washed his hare and couldn’t do a thing with it.
Why do skeletons hate the cold?
It sends chills up their spine.
The science teacher decided to take her class out on a field trip to the mountains because all the kids in her class desperately needed higher grades.
Why was the computer coughing?
It had a virus.
I Renamed my iPod The Titanic, so when I plug it in, it says “The Titanic is syncing.”
Which car is a Ghost’s favourite? It is between a Boogatti or a Rolls-Royce Phantom.
What's an owl's favorite rock band?
The Who
What has 100 teeth and eats wieners? A zipper!
The troll told his girlfriend that he was head ogre heels for her.
What kind of cats love to go bowling? Alley cats!
Why did he skeleton go to the barbecue? To get another rib.
What did the flower say when he wanted a second chance?
I’ll grow on you.
I wondered why flamingos were so strong, so I did a little research. Turns out they do a lot of eggs-er-cise.
What's a redneck's favorite beer?
An open one.
Why did Noah have to punish the chickens on the Ark?
They were using fowl language.
What do you call a pig who can’t mind his own business?
A nosey porker!
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