My keyboard fell apart today.
I feel like I'm losing Ctrl of everything.
How does an octopus go to war?
Well armed.
I have been trying to write a new pizza joke…
But I can’t work out the delivery.
Buckets of bug blood, buckets of bug blood, buckets of bug blood.
Did you know that unicorns live in New York City? I swear why do you think their called uNYCorns?
I have no shelf control.
What game do some skiers like to play on the road trip to the slopes?
Ice Spy With My Little Ice.
Why wasn't King Kong able to climb to the top of the Empire State Building?
He couldn't quite fit in the elevator.
What do you call a painting by a cat of herself? A self paw-trait.
How much wood could Chuck Woods' woodchuck chuck, if Chuck Woods' woodchuck could and would chuck wood? If Chuck Woods' woodchuck could and would chuck wood, how much wood could and would Chuck Woods' woodchuck chuck? Chuck Woods' woodchuck would chuck, he would, as much as he could, and chuck as much wood as any woodchuck would, if a woodchuck could and would chuck wood.
What can you make with 6.02 x 10^23 avocados?
Guaca-mole.
How does an otter get into an honest business? Usually through the skylight.
I know someone who tried to runway after camouflaging a railway. He tried to cover his tracks.
It’s the most wonderful time of the beer.
How do you fix a broken tuba?
With a tuba glue.
I knew a detective who always wore a cat costume.
One day I asked him why.
He told me "I am always in purrsuit."
When you accidentally step on a cheerio, you become a cereal killer.
If Romeo and Juliet were tuna...
they would be Starkist lovers.
My friends and I are in search of some fresh vegetables puns.
Please lettuce know if you find any.
What did the nut say when it caught on fire? Roast-nuts, almond fire!
What has four legs and one arm?
A rottweiler at a park.
How many mosquito's does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only 2, no idea how they got there.
My flamingo friends are always making me pay for dinner. I find that they can be real cheepskates.
How did Burger King get Dairy Queen Pregnant? He forgot to wrap his whopper!
How do you circumcise a whale?
You send down four skin divers.
What does a mosquito say to greet his girlfriend?
"M'laria."
I once knew an arrogant sponge.
He was very self absorbed
What did the teacher do with her student's report on the history of cheese?
She grated it.
A guy wearing a suit and tie walks into a bar with an alligator…
He walks up to the bartender and asks, “Do you serve lawyers here?”
“Yes sir, we do,” says the bartender.
The guy smiles and says, “Great. Then I’ll have a beer, and my ‘gator will have a lawyer.”
What did the pumpkin say to the jar? Soon I will be ajar too.
I’ve been getting blitzed all game
Mushrooms always hate going to school. They feel inferior before the rest because they are always so spore-d.
Some airplanes are so cramped that at the end of the trip, you suffer jet leg.
You can only know the heart of a pineapple with a knife.
What’s the difference between a teacher and a railway security guard? One trains the mind, the other minds the train.
My roommate keeps taking my water bottle out of the refrigerator.
It's not cool man.
Mike Tyson bought a yacht and immediately wrecked it.
Who woulda thunk it?
God made rainy days, so gardeners could get the housework done.
How do baseball players stay in contact with each other?
They touch base every once in a while.
Here today, lepre-gone tomorrow.
In Ancient Greece, people who had beliefs contrary to the worship of Poseidon were executed for Heresea.
How does a car express love to another?
‘I a door you.’
Have you ever seen a baby dragon eating ice cream?
It'll melt your heart.
What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a unicycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?
Attire.
What do you call a cold dog?
A pup-sicle. Better steer clear, especially if he’s fur-ocious… don’t want him to give you frost-bite.
Over quarantine, I’ve really gotten into gardening. I am especially enamored with growing chard varieties. So much so I’ve written a book of poems about their taproots.
I hope to one day be recognized as the beet poet of our generation!
Why was Tony Soprano fat? Cause he thought getting a slice of the pie was a piece of cake.
What happened when the knife went for a drive?
It took a sharp turn.
Beer doesn't make you fat
It makes you lean.
I just found out you should never put a bar of soap in the dishwasher.
It's hand wash only.
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