I nearly kicked my dog out, but we renegotiated the terms of his leash.
What do you call a fake bone?
A faux-knee.
What is bigger than a Christmas tree?
A Christmas four
What do you call a pianist who throws trash everywhere?
Litterachi.
Did you get to meet the tallest vampire in the world? People call him Count Everest.
I bought my rabbit a fancy new hutch. But he doesn’t seem to carrot all.
What do dogs eat for breakfast?
Pooched eggs.
What do they play at the beginning of a car movie?
The trailer.
With the nice warm weather last weekend, a neighbor was enthusiastically diggin' in the dirt planting his garden!
He was so excited about it, he wet his plants.
Hitler jokes are rude, Anne Frankly I don't care.
I'm reading a book about metal fasteners.
Riveting stuff.
What is a jedi electrician’s favorite tool?
His lightsaber.
What do you get when you cross a dog with a calculator?
A friend you can count on.
What did the girl dinosaur ask her pet dog?
"Do you want some tea, Rex?"
Why did the girl walk into the ice cream store with an umbrella?
She heard there were going to be sprinkles
What did the Austrian skier yell when he sprained his ankle?
“Alp!”
Why did the pineapple suddenly stop the car in the middle of the highway? Because it just ran out of juice.
When it started raining, I spotted a potato across the road pretty fast and I wondered what’s up? It wasn’t long before I saw a fork up ahead.
One bonsai tree grower was so successful he moved into a miniature house.
I replaced the milk in the carton with lemon juice. Everyone was really sour about it.
Do people have strange scents of humor if they laugh at their own farts?
Why was the doctor doing diarrhia research scared?
He had seen some sh*t go down.
What do you get if you cross a ski instructor and a vampire?
Frostbite.
What does the like to parrot wear to the beach? A beak-ini!
Why was the jar about to explode?
Cause it was jam-packed!
I like to roll peas from the top of a mountain. I always start at the peak.
What happened when the orange broke out of prison?
All heck broke juice.
What do you call a beaver with a bad attitude who acts lazy? A beaver that doesn’t give a dam.
What do you call a nut who works hard? One who burns the mid-nut oil.
Why do gnomes laugh when they play football?
Because the grass tickles their armpits.
What's the opposite of a microwave?
A Tsunami.
What do bees call wasps?
Wanna-bees.
In a recent study, NASA scientists confirmed that Uranus smells like farts.
What do you get when you spill soup on a comic book? Souperman.
What do you get when you sit under a cow?
A pat on the head.
What did the flower say after he told a joke?
I was just pollen your leg!
Why was red in awe of orange?
“Because orange blue green.”
I've recently started up a band called "Mum's The Word."
If anyone asks, you've not seen us.
What are strange donuts made out of?
Weird-doughs.
Did you hear about the astronaut who stepped in gum?
He got stuck in Orbit.
A person with a very blocked nose walks into a doctors office.
The doctor says: "So, you're having mucus problems?"
The person replies: "perhaps, perhaps snot.
Did you hear about the final remaining unit in the apartment building?
It was last but not leased.
Why should you never ever play texas hold'em with a crocodile?
You will literally lose every hand.
What do you call the onions which are small and yellow and very naughty? You call it a minonion!
What did the fruit lover say after he met a girl?
I’ve got a date
I don’t know who became more famous, Sir Francis Bacon or his son
Chris P. Bacon
Cooking is bad for my anxiety.
I had to throw away my pressure cooker.
What's black, white, orange, and waddles? A penguin carrying a Jack-o-lantern.
What do you call a smartass bird of prey?
A know it owl.
What does a lemon pie and my wife have in common?
They both have meringue on them.
Go to BabaMail
