What is the difference between a Yankees fan and a dentist?
One roots for the Yanks, and the other yanks for the roots. OUCH.
Why did Larry the lizard leave his lover longing?
he had ... a reptile dysfunction
All my neighbours bought the same set of stereos...
When will they stop stereotyping?
"I would make a skeleton joke, but you wouldn't find it very
humerus."
Why don’t Native Americans like to do rain dances in April anymore?
Because April showers bring Mayflowers.
Unbelievably there was yet another truck crash, this time it was carrying Vicks VapoRub. There was no congestion for the rest of the day.
Where does a Portuguese skeleton live?
Lis-bone
I found this amazing bluegrass band that does covers of 80s rock.
They call themselves Ban Jovi.
Why was the tree doctor so good at his job? He could always get to the root of the problem.
Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?
Real rocks are too heavy.
Why are kangaroos good at brewing beer?
They have hops.
My friend went bald years ago, but still carries his old comb with him.
He just can’t part with it.
Which hard drive is always the happiest?
Disk C:
I read dead people.
What do beavers like to put on their salads?
Branch dressing.
My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.
What do drunk kangaroos play?
Hopscotch.
What is the warmest period in the history of the world's climate called?
Climax.
What keeps ghouls happy?
The knowledge that every shroud has a silver lining!
What does a nosey pepper do? Gets Jalapeno business.
This rock was magma before it was cool.
Get it?
Did you hear about the boat dock that committed murder?
He’s going to be judged by a jury of its piers.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
To keep their nuts dry.
Called in sick to work one day complaining about my eyes.
When they asked what's wrong I said:
“I just can’t see myself coming in to work today.”
It's ice to meet you.
We’ve got serious chemistry.
Where do ants go on vacation?
Frants.
Nowadays oranges have decided to go out with prune. The reason is that it is becoming so hard to find a date.
Where do nuts go for a quick energy boost?
The nearest Shell station.
Why don’t dolphins have hair?
They have whale pattern baldness.
Why were the axons bothered by myelin?
It was getting on their nerves.
Why did the blonde skier only wear one boot?
Channel 7's weatherman said there was a 50% chance of snow.
Where did the Flopper work in the offseason? At Dominik's Hat-Check.
I used to be pretty nifty tap dancer...
Until I fell into the sink.
I was walking past the store today when I saw a sign saying, "All items one-third off."
So I bought a dozen eggs. Unfortunately four of them were rotten.
How does a crab go when it's right?
"Aw, snap!"
What kind of writer did the ghost hire to write his biography? A ghostwriter, duh.
Shucking takes lots of corn-centration.
I was hiking with my friend in the woods and bear attacked him
It was unbearable to watch
I saw the Liberty Bell.
It's not all it's cracked up to be.
I'm reading a book about a sadistic evil man who attaches ridges from boat hulls to his victims.
He's a mad keeler.
My friend accidentally got salt in his papercut.
Talk about adding insalt to injury.
What type of elf has the most books?
A bookshelf.
A woman gets into an accident while driving. She tries to explain to the officer that it wasn’t her fault. She says the other guy was drinking and on his phone! The officer looks at the lady and says, "Mam, he could do that in his own backyard.”
When does a sloth go "moo"? When it is learning a new language!
The pot of coffee he just made is basically break fluid.
What did King Arthur call his sneakiest knight?
Sir Valence.
Some guy wanted to charge me a bunch of money for a second hand bouncy house.
But I wasn't sure if that was something I really wanted to jump into.
Doctor: "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards"
Me: "And?"
You’re unbeleafable.
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