There are so many puppies and kitties around the neighbourhood. Perhaps it is because it has been raining cats and dogs for hours.
What is the show cesium and iodine love watching together?
CSI.
Why did the whale cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.
You have to hunt down a troll and kill it with a gun. After you find it, you accidently lose sight of it. In rage, you fire your gun. The bullets hit the troll and it dies.
What do you tell the person who sent you on the quest?
- I lost gun-trol.
I was gonna walk barefoot through the yard.
But that would cause an ecological crisis.
Why is it a bad idea to give a cow marijuana?
The steaks are too high.
What do you get from an Alaskan cow ? Ice Cream
Why is a baby showing the top of its head during labor a significant event?
Because that’s the baby’s crowning achievement.
What did the Minotaur order at Starbucks?
Half-calf.
Repetition is the Mother of learning.
So who's the father?
Daddycation.
A chap goes to see the doctor with salt on one ear and pepper on the other. The doctor says, “You need to start eating more sensibly”.
What's the best hairstyle for a gun?
Bangs.
What do you call a man with no legs and no arms resting on a porch?
Matt.
Why does Elton John HATE lettuce?
Becuase he's a ROCKET MAN...
Q. What do you get when you combine Blue Agave and literature?
A. Tequila Mockingbird
The word Gnome is a corruption of the Latin word Genomus or earth dweller.
In other words, it's a misgnomer.
What is a koala’s favorite exercise?
Bearobics.
If you need to share out your to-do list, just be a dele-gator.
“Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.”
What do winged horses attend in school? Pegclasses.
Q: What do you call a weatherman who farts while he pees?
A. Rain with a little wind and thunder.
I told my friend a tree pun.
He was stumped.
What do get if you cross a duck and Santa?
A Christmas Quacker.
I've got 4 eyes, 3 legs, 1 tail, and 12 toes. What am I?
A liar.
What do you call a dog that’s been left outside in the cold?
A chili dog.
This lady at the supermarket is staring at me, like she's never seen anyone put on deodorant...
And then put it back on the shelf.
Top 25 Funniest Duck Names:
1. James Pond
2. Quack Sparrow
3. Duck Norris
4 Quacks-a-Lot
5 Quackhead
6 Quacko
7. Quackers
8. Nutquacker
9. Quacker Jack
10. Quack Efron
11. Quack Black
12. Moby Duck
13. Quackula
14. Sir Duckington
15. Eggbert
16. Quackers
17. Duckleberry Finn
18. Quacker Jack
19. Lucky Duck
20. Cheese and quackers
21. Quaker Jack
22. Duckingham Palace
23.Waddles
24. Quackie Chan
25 Firequacker
The painter wanted to feel the texture, so he buttered his toast with his fingers.
Why is it so hard for people with asthma to have exciting dates?
The last thing you want is someone to take your breath away!
What kind of car does an electrician drive? A Volts-wagon.”
Q: Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at the drive-in movie theatre?
A: They apparently went to see "Closed For The Winter"
You can't blame anyone if you fall in your driveway due to snowy weather...
Because that's your own asphalt.
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall — hope you do too!
What do you call a rock that never goes to school? A skipping stone!
He’s my pinch charming.
What do you call a distant shower sponge?
Aloofah.
It’s easy to spot a sad flamingo. They get really blue.
When the baby onion died just after being born, the doctors classified it as an o-neonatal death.
What does Satan shave with?
A hell razor.
Which birds are good at holding things together?
Velcrows.
So my brother is grating cheese for a dip. He looks up and says,
"I'm the gratest."
Daughter's boyfriend introduced himself to me and said "Hi sir I'm david, nice to meet you".
He put out his hand and I said "David are you nervous?" He said no, so I grabbed his hand looked him in the eyes and said...
"Then why are you shaking?"
When a Minotaur considers himself an optimist is it that he sees his glass as half-bull?
Did you hear of the story of the tornado? There is a twist at the end.
What's the difference between Hanukkah and dragons?
One is eight nights while the other ate knights
I whale always love you.
What did the ice-cream say to the unhappy birthday cake? "What's eating you?"
What is the only thing that can cure a sick do-nut?
An antidought!
When Smokey died in a forest fire, how did his body get to the cemetery ?
Pallbears.
Why did the corn stalks hold a ceremony in honor of the scarecrow?
To corn-gratulate him for being out standing in their field!
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