What does a turtle do during winter? Sit by the fire and worm himself up.
What do you call a friendly volcano? Lava-ble.
They’ve started a collection to open a pool near me. I gave them a glass of water.
What do you call a polar bear in Florida?
A solar bear.
What do you call a talkative drink? Chai Tea.
My sister just delivered a baby...
I knew she had it in her.
One should never mix oranges in apple juice. Well, perhaps you may do it once in a blue moon.
What is the best way to observe the two planets between Jupiter and Neptune?
Saturn Uranus.
Why is research more trustworthy if it comes from France?
It's Pierre-reviewed.
What is a cat’s favorite class at school? Hiss-tory!
Q: Where do fruits manufacture their money?
A: Peach Mint.
What do you call donating a chair?
Charity!
What do you call Sir Lancelot when he is dancing and singing to his heart's content at a party? We call him Sir Dancelot.
What do you call the door to a chicken barn?
The hen-trance.
What did the mom say to her kitten when she caught him slouching? Paw attention to your paw-sture!
What did the apple say to the almond? You're Nuts!
What is an unlimited phone plan? A limit cannot be charged.
What is a gorillas second favourite fruit to eat behind bananas?=
Ape-ricots
I want to practice my forehand outside, but it will be wet in the morning and nice later on. So here’s the plan for today: inside-out.
I can eat sugar with either hand, I'm ambidextrose.
What do you give to a sick lemon?
lemonaid.
Why should you never eat the fish in France?
Because it's poisson.
It’s impossible to Rouen a trip to France.
What was the owl’s favorite Whitney Houston song?
Owl always love you.
While teaching about the Mongol Empire in History class, our teacher told us, "If anyone Khan, Genghis Khan."
What do you say to a small onion that has helped you?
Thanks shallot.
What do penguins eat for lunch?
Ice-bergers!
Did you know that geologists are athletic? Yeah, I read it in Quartz illustrated.
Q: How do Japanese artists bid farewell?
A: Cyan-Nara!
Did you hear about the 2 apes that kept fighting with each other?
It was gorilla warfare.
I don’t know about you, but I think helicopter rescue pilots have the best pick-up lines.
What sound drum set from the junkyard makes?
Ba-dump-tss
I want to tell you one more painful phone pun but I decided it's uncalled for.
The police came to arrest me after I tried to play my cat like a violin
They are charging me with Kitty Fiddling.
A gazillion gigantic grapes gushed
gradually giving gophers gooey guts.
Past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.
What can a whole apple do that half an apple can't do? It can look round.
Why are the electricians always up to date? Because they are ‘current specialists.
Why are environmentalists bad at playing cards? They like to avoid the flush.
What do you call a collection of bones made out of kitchenware?
A skillet-ton.
I got arrested at work today for moving my desk away from the air conditoner vent.
I was charged with draft-dodging!
Waddaya get when you cross a cowboy with an Egyptian Pharaoh?
Darn Tutankhamun!
What are the longest lasting relationships in the fruit world? Orange-d marriages.
It doesn’t help that my doctor keeps making fun of my broken leg. He’s just adding insult to injury.
I can't stand Greek salads.
I like un-feta'd access to my greens.
Why do eggs hate jokes? Because they could crack up.
I had no one to help me when my computer and phone mutinied
I was left to my own devices.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road? Because the chicken joke wasn't invented yet.
What’s a deer’s favorite place to get ice cream?
Deery Queen.
What did the Wife say to the Husband?
You are exhausting!
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