If anyone has any advice for cosmetic surgery that’s gone terribly wrong...
My wife is all ears.
What’s a skeleton’s next favorite rock band?
Bone Jovi.
What did the werewolf say when he sat on sandpaper?
- Ruff!
I used to get heartburn when I ate birthday cake until a doctor advised me to take the candles off first.
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
My eating utensils were forged from forged steel, so don't mess with me or I'll fork you up.
Historians have discovered a new Greek God who didn’t excel at anything.
His name was mediocretese.
What do you call meat balls falling from the sky? A meat-ior shower.
What's a prisoners favorite building materials? Steal n cement.
What do you call the Earth when it is quaking?
Shakesphere.
Thought I saw a zebra in a field near my house recently, turned out to be a horse in his pyjamas.
My glasses fogged up once I came out of the AC room last summer, but I was okay because I was opti-mistic.
What's a hen's favorite shipping company?
Federal Egg-spress.
Ciabatta stay away from me because I don’t want naan of that. That’s one way to tell someone to keep away.
You ever heard the Stormtrooper band?
Probably not, they've never had a hit.
I love you deerly.
I built an electric fence around my property yesterday.
My neighbor is dead against it.
Do not be sad because of these bad words. You are always a fineapple in my heart.
I surprised my friend as she was trying to steal another spine from a corpse...
She was takin' a back when taken aback!
Whichever gator stole all the food, we'll catch the crook-a-dile.
I used to be a narcissist.
But now look at me.
What’s the best thing you can put in a halloween cookie? Your teeth.
What do you call a cab which provides drug therapy? Chemotaxis.
“We are experiencing slight tuber-lence on the flight”
When does a sloth go "moo"? When it is learning a new language!
What is the collective noun for cars?
Pack of cars.
I dated a doctor once. Big mistake.
She was a Psycho.
My neighbour didn't like it when I told him off about hoarding toilet paper
To be honest, I think he was being very anal about it.
My neighbor was walking across the street while carrying the game Scrabble then suddenly dropped it, leaving the game board and pieces on the ground.
I said: “Hey Jeff! What’s the word on the street?”
The owner of the inside inn was inside his inside inn with his inside outside his inside inn.
What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a vampire?
A fur coat that fangs around your neck.
Are you a drum? Because my heart beats for you.
Picking strawberries can be a very fruitful endeavor!
I got my paycheck with a lemon slice on it today...
turned out my ex-wife was garnishing my wages.
You’re the tater to my tot. I miss you a lot!
What do you call an onion that is very sick and has a high temperature? It is a boiling onion.
Why did the banana go out with a lemon?
Because it couldn't find a date!
Where do crows type? Crows type on cawmputers.
Did you hear about the urologist who became an aerospace engineer?
He developed an incontinental ballistic missile.
Challah if you see me in the streets. Will do.
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, do you believe in love at first sight, or should I go around this chairlift again?
What is an owl’s dream occupation?
Flight attendant.
I'm so Midwestern, it's in my blood
I'm type Ohp!-ositive
Why couldn’t the Italian man get into his house?
He had gnocchi.
Why didn't the unripe strawberry got any cards and chocolates for Valentine's Day? Because it was really sour.
What did the fish say when it ran into the wall?
Dam.
I started watching soccer because I could see it’s very relevant to my life.
Little to no goals.
I was going to start ironing, but I decided it was too depressing.
Did you know there is a new horse species with one eye and a horn?
It's called a unicornea.
If you must cross a course cross cow across a crowded cow crossing, cross the cross coarse cow across the crowded cow crossing carefully.
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