Did you hear about the man who stole thousands of dollars worth of rare tea?
He went to prison for Oolong time.
Did you hear the joke about the elephant who was stuck in a tree last spring? To get down, she had to sit down on a branch and wait until fall.
A few years ago, I had a job translating pre-Classical Greek literature into Braille.
It feels like ancient history.
I don't like cutting up a peach. I think it's because of the pits.
Young goats should be careful when they're out and and about and shouldn't jump into a stranger's car.
That's how you get kidnapped.
What’s striped and goes round and round?
A tiger in a revolving door.
Did you hear about the butcher who sat on his bacon slicer?
He got a little behind in his deliveries.
It doesn’t help that my doctor keeps making fun of my broken leg. He’s just adding insult to injury.
There's a programme about the history of perfume on TV tonight.
It's on at 8pm on Chanel Number 5!
Which hard drive is always the happiest?
Disk C:
Which Hollywood actor can tell his car's odometer reading without looking at it?
Miles Teller
How do you impregnate a submarine?
Fill it with seamen.
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
Why are fish so smart?
They spend a lot of time in schools.
Why do bears have sticky fur?
Because they use honey combs.
A star athlete in Koalaville got kicked off the Olympic team for cheating. Unfortunately, he was diskoalafied.
What do frogs do with paper?
Rip-it.
My farts don’t smell, they don’t have noses.
You mermake me happy.
What is blood's message to the world? B POSITIVE.
What kind of party is held in a cornfield?
A cornball!
My wife says to me this morning "Our son's toothbrush is getting fraid"
I say "What's it so fraid of?"
Why do zombies speak Latin?
It’s a dead language.
Did you hear about the medieval kinghunter?
He excelled in throne weapons
Why do saxophone players get so many dates?
Because they have sax appeal
I walked past Mozart's grave.
He was sitting up, shouting "Braaiinnss" and ripping up all his music.
I guess he's a decomposer now.
Knife and a fork bottle and a cork
that is the way you spell New York.
Chicken in the car and the car can go,
that is the way you spell Chicago.
If you can think of a better fish pun, let minnow.
What did the mother bread tell her baby roll? You really are the apple of my rye.
Why don’t elephants like to ride on trains? Because they hate leaving their trunks in the baggage car.
Why is the world so diverse? Because it contains alkynes of people.
Why do anti vaxxers hate vaccine jokes?
They never get them.
A great knight became all discombobulated and lost his weapons...
He was all out of swords.
You know why I love bread puns? Because they never go stale.
What did Betula pendula tell her little sister when she was annoyed? Leaf me alone, birch.
What's green and wears a cape?
Super Pickle.
France gave perfumes to countries it dominated in the past...
That was classic Colognialism.
Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake? Because it's too hard to put them on the bottom!
What would Jerry McGuire have said if he was a flower?
You had me at hydrangea.
What did the llama say when the other llama asked if they wanted to go on holiday?
Alpaca suitcase.
What do you call a fraternity member who likes to drink the blood of goats?
A chupacabro.
What does an onion say when you are upset because of it one day? It says, "I am sorry that I made you cry!"
Don't use raw milk to make butter
It's not worth the whisk
What happened when the football coach’s dog ran onto the field during a game?
He got called for ineligible retriever down field!
What is a parrot's favourite colour shade?
Polly-chromatic
Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar. "GET OUT OF HERE!!!" The Bartender shouts we don't serve your type!
More candles means a bigger wish!
What a spud muffin.
What did one frog say.to the other?
Time's sure fun when you're having flies.
What is fog's favorite drink? Mountain Dew
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