What kind of dog loves bubble baths?
A shampoodle.
Old astronomers got so tired of waiting for the sun to go down, that they decided to pack it up and call it a day.
What is the most depressed river in Southern Europe? The Crimea River.
What do you call a goat swimming in the sea?
Billy Ocean.
What do you call a group of brains who form a singing group at school?
A glia club.
How does Santa capture photos? With his North Pole-oroid.
Franz Joseph constantly sour about everything because he was always Haydn.
Are these pants too tight in the Balzac?
What is a myelinated neuron's favorite type of music?
Wrap music.
The big black bug bit the big black bear,
but the big black bear bit the big black bug back!
Q: Why did the fruit stop for some time while driving?
A: It wanted to make a quick pit-stop
The mummy caught a really bad cold. He cannot stop coffin.
I tried to start a soccer club so I put up some posters on a local bulletin board.
Just to get the ball rolling.
Why does the mermaid wear seashells?
Because she grew out of her B-shells.
Why did the Buddhist gorilla get locked out of his monastery?
He forgot his monk-key
Why are vampire families always so close knit?
Because blood is thicker than water.
When you swat a mosquito on your arm
Its death is in vein.
How do horses get to another star system? They travel through intergalloptic space.
Why did the pianist have to be rushed into surgery after his latest performance?
He played his heart out.
What do you get when you cross a pig and a tortoise?
A slow-pork.
Why did the hen lay her egg on the axe?
She wanted to hatchet.
Doctor, Doctor! I'm terrified of words that are also letters!
Oh you are? I see. Why?
What element comes from Norse mythology? Thorium.
It is a bad film because good ones tend to have created atop day-old soup.
How did explorers hide their treasures in the medieval ages? By dragon them to a safe location.
A friend of mine is his team's best footballer on paper. Unfortunately, they play most of their games on grass.
I sold my cleaning equipment.
It was just collecting dust.
I went to Oxford University, where I was a philosophy major and the starting goalkeeper on the football team.
They called me Soccertes.
Golf is what you play…
When you’re too out of shape to play softball.
How do you know the French Onion is Canadian?
Because the oignon est!
A musical strawberry jam that knows how to play the trumpet is called Tooty fruity.
Why did the freezer run away on its marriage?
It got cold feet
What do you call a Roman with hair in his teeth?
Gladiator.
I tried to make it to the end of the rainbow but didn't due to lilac of effort.
Wanna know a way for werewolves to howl other than the full moon?
Make them stub their toe.
If fish is a type of brain food, then dumb people probably love eating noodle soup.
What do you say to comfort a grammar teacher?
They’re, there, their.
My cranium is empty. I'm running bone-dry here.
The only thing I got for my wife on her birthday was a big helium balloon.
It didn’t go down very well.
What does a short sighted detective wear?
Suspectacles
Did you hear about that show that tests the listening skills of vegetables?
Its tests the ears of its corn-testants.
The last time I wanted to go bowling, all the pins were on strike. So I just stayed at home and watched TV instead.
My chair is missing an arm and a leg.
That doesn't sit well with me.
Who is the first farmer to walk on the moon?
Neil Farmstrong.
Why did the sapling jump in the ocean? He wanted to swim with the manatrees.
What do we call a plumb pineapple? It is called a pineapple chunk!
Officer: “I’m sorry sir, it looks like your wife has been hit by a truck.”
Me: ”Yeah I know, but she’s got a great personality though!”
I was watching an Australian cooking show recently and the audience began applauding when the chef made meringue. Which is odd because...
Australians usually boo meringue.
I was gonna walk barefoot through the yard.
But that would cause an ecological crisis.
What did the wise papa fish tell his son?
Keep your friends close and your anemones closer.
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