What did the wig say to the head?
I got you covered.
I forgot to put on deodorant this morning, so I went to the store on my way to work.
It was a quick pit stop.
I saw a squirrel running in circles in my yard today…
I think it lost its nuts.
Why did the slice of bread leave her boyfriend? She thought that he was just too knead-y.
What did the cook say after making stir fry at a playground?
"It was a wok in the park."
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor.
I'm fondue you, it's true
What happened after an explosion at a French cheese factory? All that was left was de brie.
Who’s a llama’s favorite U.S. president?
Barack Ollama.
When the first nuclear bomb was detonated all the neutrons were sad.
Because their parents had just split.
I got a job working in a hayfield. After one day I bailed.
What is the difference between a deer nut and a beer nut?
“A beer nut is often more than a buck but a deer nut is always under a buck.”
What did Dr. Frankenstein say when Pinocchio’s nose grew?
IT’S A LIEEEEE!!
What happens if you cross a hairdresser and a werewolf?
A creature with an all over perm!
What do you call it when a janitor is fired for refusing to unclog the restroom toilets?
Dereliction of doodie.
What goes ‘Cackle, cackle, cackle, bonk’?
A witch laughing her head off.
What do you call an ant who can see into the future?
Clairvoy-ant.
I went into a pet shop and said: "I would like a pet parrot for my daughter."
Confused, the owner replied: "Sorry, we don't do swaps."
When the time came, he betrayed our team and showed his blue colors.
How do you make a pig really happy on his birthday? Throw him a sow-prize party.
How do trees get on a computer?
They just log in.
I used to own a rabbit, but now he’s just some bunny that I used to know.
Why do bee keepers have beautiful eyes?
Because they hold bees. (Beauty is in the eye of the bee holder)
“How are you? ” “Well, I yam fried”
what do you call the smaller rivers that run into the nile?
The juveniles
What did the artist tell his greatest nemesis? I challenge you to a doodle!
Dear Mother in law...Don't teach me how to bring up my children...
I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.
What is the difference between a ball hog and time?
Time passes.
What kind of ice cream to electricians eat?
Shock a lot.
There are so many puppies and kitties around the neighbourhood. Perhaps it is because it has been raining cats and dogs for hours.
"What are your thoughts on diving?"
"Well, I guess it's descent as a hobby."
What's a sheep's favorite art style?
Baa's Relief
Why did the computer spy get fired?
She couldn't hack it.
What do you call a dinosaur that drinks curry? A Mega-sore-arse.
My local restaurant recently lost out on an entire order of the best local beef. No one has herd what happened to it.
The orange juice industry is not doing very well.
Tomorrow they will give a special press release.
What does a deer hang on its Christmas tree?
“Horn – aments.”
I applied to be a sperm donor recently and the nurse asked me if I could masturbate in the cup.
I told her I’ve done it a few times before but I don’t know if I’m ready to compete in a tournament.
The pilot was lucky. He always had work. Whenever he made an application, it was almost certain that he would land a job.
What do you call a fairy that doesn’t like to shower?
Stinkerbell.
The unluckiest berry in the group is the one that drew the short straw-berry.
Why is it a bad idea to pick a fight with a real estate agent?
They can flip houses whenever they want!
What kind of wine is aged to purr-fection?
Mos-cat-o!
My friend bought a different toothpaste this time...
It was a nice change of paste.
How does a shark greet a fish?
Pleased to eat you.
The daddy strawberry got the job to perform at the circus because he was a berry straw-ng man.
10 saxophone players blew up a theatre...
authorities are on the lookout for the tenorists.
Another term for hair that's tied up in a bun is
a hairball
Hermit crabs’ house phones were always shell phones
My two pet crabs have very different personalities. One is always in a good mood, but the other can be a bit of a grump.
Their names are crabA and crabB
Why are kangaroos so qualified to be teachers?
Because they’re kan-gurus.
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