What do we get when we cross a Christmas tree with an apple? We will have a pine – apple!
The only gift I got for my birthday was a deck of sticky playing cards.
I’m having a hard time dealing with it.
How can you tell if you are in love?
If they stole a pizza your heart.
To resolve the internal issues at the office, crows involved their cawnflict mediators.
I want to practice my forehand outside, but it will be wet in the morning and nice later on. So here’s the plan for today: inside-out.
What did the gold say to the pyrite?
You’re a fool and a fake!
What did the conifer say when he finally got alone with his crush? It’s just yew and me, baby.
Autumn brings re-leaf from the heat.
Dust is a disk's worst enemy.
This summer is going swimmingly.
I went deep sea diving and a mollusk wanted to give me a hug!
Damn cuddlefish.
How is divorce like espresso? It's bitter and expensive.
What do you get when you cross a Tambourine with a Submarine?
The Salvation Navy
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti...
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta.
What's a fetus's favorite craft?
Embryoidery.
What goes ‘Cackle, cackle, cackle, bonk’?
A witch laughing her head off.
Why aren’t dogs good dancers? Because they have two left feet!
"I'm an Easter eggs-pert."
After making love the other night, I told my spouse that I love when the whisper sweet things in my ear...
So my spouse leaned in close and whispered..."Syrup."
How did the monster predict his future?
With the horror-scope!
What kind of music are balloons afraid of? Pop Music.
What is a snowman’s favorite type of burger? A chilli cheese burger with iceberg lettuce.
Remember the band that did that rock cover of “walk like an Egyptian’ by The Bangles?
Pharaohsmith.
I recently read a book by an onion which had opened up on its life. Midway through the book, I started crying.
Which car do sheep drive?
Su-baa-ru.
Did you hear the joke about the donut? Probably not, it was crummy!
I've just arrived in Bulgaria. How is it? Sofia, so good.
Wanna hear the mountain joke?
nah you won't get over it
How do you decide whether to be a Brain Surgeon or a Novelist?
You flip a coin. It’ll land on heads or tales.
What would the Egyptian doctor tell to the wife of the Egyptian Pharaoh? He said that she was going to become a mummy.
What do you get if you put kisses in a blender?
A Smoochie.
Why do baby seals swim in salt water? Cause pepper water makes them sneeze.
If there's a will, there's a wave.
A mother catches her 12-year-old son smoking in the backyard...
"Jimmy, I can't believe this! Smoking is terrible for you, and you're so young!" Jimmy replies, "Don't worry mom, I only smoke when I'm drunk."
Q: How do two cherries make up after an argument?
A: They cherry the hatchet.
What do you do if you find a black mamba in your toilet?
Wait until he’s finished.
Cherry pie can be a bit aggressive. Rumor has it they go around saying, “Hey! You want a piece of me?”
What do skiers order at fast food restaurants?
Icebergers with Chilly Sauce, on the slide.
Why do math teachers love parks so much?
Because of all the natural logs.
What is a deer’s favorite place to get breakfast?
Dunkin’ Doe-nuts!
What happens when you marry the best real estate agent in town?
He sells you the engagement ring.
How does a horse make paper mâché?
With newspaper clip-clop-pings.
It's lunchtime and the newcomer at my workplace is on a plane to India
Turns out, someone told him that the nearby Delhi has the best sandwiches
What kind of vehicle does Bigfoot drive?
A big toe-truck.
What is a vampire's favorite fruit?
A blood orange.
Whenever I hear folksy stories about the hills, I can never get over them.
I violated grammar rules, so I got punished with the death sentence.
Death.
What do you call it when a panda eats all of your tall grass?
Bamboozled!
What type of cat will keep your garden looking nice and tidy? A lawn meower.
If a crab worked in a pizza parlor, which station would it work?
The crust station.
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