when I smelled breakfast in the morning it was bacon me eggcited.
What do zebras hold?
Ze boobs.
What car make did the Apostles drive?
Honda… because the apostles were all in one Accord.
“While I was in the doctor’s waiting room, there was this tiny man, only about six inches tall. Although he was there before me, he let me see the doctor first. I suppose he just had to be a little patient.”
Why didn't the toilet paper finish the race?
Because it was wiped out.
What did an angry donut say to his wife?
Donut talk to me.
"This is the last straw!"
I shouted to my wife as I put it in my drink...
What did the hot dog bun say to the hot dog? Stop touching my buns! What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A "hollow-weenie!"
What do Chinese bears wear over their faces when they’re robbing banks?
Pandanas!
What did the bone mage use to rob medieval homes?
A skeleton key
What does a dragon eat with his soup? Firecrackers.
What did the judge say at the finale of the meat throwing competition? The steaks have never been higher!
Do you think you know more parrot jokes than me? Toucan play that game!
Why don’t snakes drink coffee?
Because it makes them viperactive.
Happy Hour is at wine o’ clock
I love you and I ain’t lion.
I got tricked into buying a cooling fan that didn't work...
It was an air con.
She got fired from the hot dog stand for putting her hair in a bun.
Why did the bicycle fall over?
Because it was too tired..
. How can you easily identify a dogwood tree? By listening to the bark.
Ignore your mother's bad joke, son...
It's a faux pa.
What should you do with an old inventory of fine French wine?
Liquidate it to the highest bidder.
Q: Why did the pea sell his car?
A: The back seat didn’t have enough legume.
What does the mummy parrot say to her baby? Beak-areful!
I got a pear stuck in my toilet. All I needed to do was flush and it was gone.
Because a flush always beats a pair.
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite season?
Spring.
What’s black, white and red all over?
A penguin with a sunburn.
The best thing ever to put in a strawberry pie is your teeth.
What’s a gorilla’s favourite pop group? A: Bananarama!
I feel like I have seen that ghost before...I must have deja boo.
I saw a show where all the man did was sit on the toilet.
It was a s**tshow.
Did you hear about the elf that quit Santa's workshop?
He was a rebel without a Claus.
What fruit do vampire bats like the best?
Neck-tarines.
A berry funny strawberry candy is called a Laffy taffy.
When is a piece of wood made king? when its a ruler
Which superstar has a nose for the puck? Mario the Magsniffascent.
I think I found my perfect match
Where do crows go to get educated?
CAWlege
How did the hipster drown?
He ice-skated before it was cool.
This morning, my dad told me something that gave me the chills.
He said, “I’m turning off the heating.”
When is the course too wet to play golf?
When your golf cart capsizes.
Why do blues musicians tour the most in the summer? So they can visit all their kids.
Can I Alp you?
What do you call a gray animal with big ears and a large trunk?
A traveling mouse.
What's a vampire's favorite fruit?
A neck-tarine.
When medieval armies went off to war...
were they playing for keeps?
What is an electrician’s favorite flavor of ice cream? Shock-a-lot.”
Another truck crashed further down the road; this one was carrying wigs. The police are combing the area.
What do you call a dinosaur with a foul mouth? Bronto-swore-us.
What do you call it when a sloth eats a second plate of food?
Slothy seconds
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