Is beef soup good for our health? Not if you are the cow.
My wife was at the store earlier and she texted me saying, “Should I buy new beach towels?”
I wrote back, “Shore.”
“Look out for Santa Paws!”
What do you call a woman with a frog on her head?
Lily.
Wholey-grain! You really bread my mind!
What is the first thing that bats learn at school? The alphabat.
Did you hear about the zombie after-school club?
It's dead in that place.
A photon checks into a hotel and is asked if he needs any help with his luggage.
It replied, “No, thanks, I am traveling light.”
It’s the most wonderful time for a beer.
Why don't they galvanize ships?
Because that would make them zinc.
"Happy eggster."
What did the doughnut say to the pizza?
If I had as much dough as you, I wouldn’t be hanging around this hole.
What do you call a pig with no legs?
A groundhog.
What did you just call me? Just because we’re Dark Chocolate does not give you the right to call us “Snickers”.That’s OUR word.
What did the fawn who wanted to be a child forever say?
“I don’t want to doe up!”
They can’t read it, it’s on a need-to-gnome basis.
Why didn’t the skeleton feel like patching up his broken ribcage?
His heart wasn’t in it.
What part of the military do zombies serve in?
The marine corpse.
When you go to the wolf hotel just around the corner, you will meet this huge, moustached wolf who always says, “howl may I help you?” as if he has no other words to us!
Fairies just spell trouble.
My wife asked me to help her apply mascara...
It was an eye-opening experience.
What do you call an alligator showing off his spine flexibility on the internet?
E-Reptile Disc Function
Why did the electrician marry his colleague? He couldn’t resistor.
Why was the meat packer arrested? For bringing home the bacon.
England doesn't have a kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
What happens if an owl doesn't wash?
It smells fowl.
Bad spelling makes me sic.
My mom said I have no sense of direction
So I packed my bags and right
"Hey, dad, there's a leak in the sink. Should I call the plumber?"
"No silly, just put it in the fridge!"
The medieval ages were technologically advanced. Take, for example, the guillotine, it was such cutting-edge technology.
Why was the penguin popular?
Because he was an ice guy.
I told my son that I wash my hair with poo but I lied.
It’s not real poo, it’s a sham poo.
What’s a shark’s favorite bible story?
Noah’s Shark.
My glasses fogged up once I came out of the AC room last summer, but I was okay because I was opti-mistic.
It's just a lot of croc 'n' roll.
Can a fencing champion born in France, but raised in the U.S. represent either country in the olympics?
Yes. Because they have duel citizenship.
Did you hear what happened when the decorator painted his wife with cheese? He double Gloucester!
What do you get when you throw lettuce into the ocean?
I don't know lettuce sea.
What do bees use to build roads? Nec-tar.
What song was the peach listening to? 'Stronger with Peach Tear'.
How many grams of protein are there in that slice of chocolate pie? 3.14159265.
The pint’s the limit.
I was walking down the road and slipped on some dog poo. Someone came up behind me and slipped as well. Trying to sympathize, I said "I just did that!"
They slapped me and said "use the toilet next time"
My wife asked if I'd be available to drain some vegetables next week.
I said I'd check my colander.
What's the most musical cut of chicken? The drumstick!
Q. What happened when the computer geeks met?
A. It was love at first site!
What is the recipe for Honeymoon Salad? Lettuce alone without dressing.
What do you call it when a cardiology student flunks out?
Heart failure.
What kind of doctor checks ghost poo?
A ghost-roenterologist.
What did the annoyed peach say to the mango?
Man-go away!
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