While I was driving, I saw another person driving while talking on his cell phone.
I got so mad, I threw my beer at him.
Which is the Richest Cheese in the world? Paris Stilton.
If you don't use a bidet...
You're doing a half-a*sed job.
While teaching about the Mongol Empire in History class, our teacher told us, "If anyone Khan, Genghis Khan."
I grew up in a really rough area. I would walk out of the house and other kids would leap out and sprinkle me with cream, cherries and shaved chocolate. Life was tough, growing up in the gateau.
My son asked me why our sailboat is named Blood
I yelled back: "Because it’s a bloody vessel!"
What do you call someone who loves dark beer?
Stouthearted.
What do you call a flamingo that flew into a wall?
A flamingstop.
My friend just got 3 kittens named Spoon, Fork, and Knife. When I asked why those names, they smiled and said, "Isn't it obvious?"
"They're catlery"
Read a story about two people who stole cars driving into each other.
Must have been Bonnie and Collide
Mom, what do we have for dinner? I cannot tell you, son, it is a soup-rise! Is it soup? I soup-pose it would be.
What do you call a human that's now a cactus?
A transplant.
Seven sleazy shysters in sharkskin suits sold sheared sealskins to seasick sailors.
What's red and invisible? No tomatoes.
How did the gorilla know she was poorly? She had a belly ape.
Son: does Easter Bunny set out 12 eggs in the field to search for?
Dad: no he dozen’t.
Trowel and error.
I think therefore I yam.
Q: Why do windmills love loud, heavy rock music?
A: They’re metal fans.
What sport does a cat play? Hairball!
I got canned from a Orange juice factory...
Just couldn't concentrate.
How do Eskimos make their beds?
With sheets of ice and blankets of snow.
What do you get when you cross a chicken with a Martian?
An eggs-traterrestrial.
Where do sperm play football?
In a con-dome.
What does it take to be good at making Greek pottery?
You have to urn it.
How does a 20-something pig hit on someone?
They invite them over to Netflix and swill.
What do trees write on? Loose leaf paper.
My wife wants to start selling kitchenware online.
I just don't see it panning out.
What did the large baby deer say when he met his favorite celebrity?
“I’m a big fawn!”
What do you call corn with red, white and blue kernels?
Americorn.
Ow did the millionaire gardener get rich so quickly?
He was running a huge pansy scheme.
What did the toothpaste wear to the club?
A tube top!
I told my mom there was a crack in her mug...
She said, ”No, only tea.”
Once upon a time I was accidentally made a priest.
It was a clerical error.
Because they got turtle recall, turtles never forget.
How do you know if milk is expired? The smell is dairy bad!
The veggie lover was a total stalk-er.
A detective recently came into town to visit the new sushi restaurant
He heard there was a fishy business.
What did the coffee lover name his son?
Joe, obviously.
What did the banker want from the baker?
To pump her nickels.
Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains
Doctor: Pull yourself together
She'll take whatever beans necessary to get her daily cup of coffee. Whatever. Beans. Necessary.
Why does everyone invite ice cream to the party?
It’s cool.
I love almond milk. It’s unlike any udder nut milk.
I went skiing with broken bones.
I can't afford real skis.
I saw a road sign the other day that said "Dip In Road"
I turned the corner and drove straight into a load of hummus
If you want day-old soup, then come back here tomorrow!
Sheena leads, Sheila needs.
What did the lobsterman say when his crate turned up empty?
It a-piers we have a problem.
Why are nuns such great sprint runners?
'Cause they're used to being chaste.
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