What is the name of the device that the king uses to control the moat around his castle? A remoat control.
Did you hear the Islamic music group who covered "I've Got You Babe?"
Sunni and Shia.
What do you call an otter with a carrot in each ear? Anything you want as he can't hear you!
I tripped over a floor tile in the bathroom today. Got out alright, but it's safe to say...
I got floored.
What do you call a veterinarian that specializes in canines?
A dogtor.
How did Salvador Dali like to start his mornings? With a bowl of Surreal and milk.
Can you tell me what type of weeping tree this is? Yes, but you willow me one later.
I can't drink milk. I lactose genes required to digest it.
The optimist sees the glass half full.
The pessimist sees the glass half empty.
The chemist see the glass completely full, half in the liquid state and half in the vapor state.
Kiss me if I’m wrong, but dinosaurs still exist, right?
What do witches' cats like to have for breakfast?
Mice crispies.
What language do they speak in Italy
Times New Roman.
What did one skeleton wrestler say to the other?
You better watch out for my special move. It will verta-break your back!
Today I learned some people have a phobia of flushing the toilet.
That must be a sh***y phobia to have.
Which animal can hibernate while standing on its head?
Yoga Bear.
What is a koala bear’s favorite line in the movie “The Sixth Sense”? “Aussie dead people.”
The word Gnome is a corruption of the Latin word Genomus or earth dweller.
In other words, it's a misgnomer.
How many realtors are needed to change a bulb?
Five. One to change, and four others to say they would have done it for a lower price.
Why did the students eat their homework? Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.
A guy walks into a bar carrying a pair of jumper cables and sets them down on the bar.
The bartender said: "Now don't you start anything!"
Getting lucked up on St. Patrick’s Day.
What do they do when the fruit educator is sick? They bring in a substitute peacher.
What is known as the world's wettest animal? Rain-deer.
What do you have to know to teach a bat tricks?
More than a bat.
What do you get if you cross a gnome and a tauren?
A mini-taur.
What is a gorillas second favourite fruit to eat behind bananas?=
Ape-ricots
Which legend lived in a shack? Was it Eddy? No, Ma-hovel-ich!
What do you call a big boat full of fish
A carp ark.
So I asked my Spanish friend if he knew where fish lived.
He said "Si."
If I put dull-tasting food in a bowl, will it have a bowlder taste?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
What did the zombie boss say to the zombie employee?
- Don’t miss the undeadline!
When Lincoln had asked Republican Senator John if he would aid him in capturing Atlanta, he replied, "Sher-man!"
They say that volleyball is just mind over matter. Because in our minds, you don’t matter.
Eddie edited it.
I don't understand why Bed Bath & Beyond is considered a non-essential business.
Don't they carry essential oils?
My wife was a bit down so I decided to redecorate our living room.
Thought it would chair her up but sofa she haven't even noticed
What do you call a mouse that doesn’t eat, drink, or even walk?
A computer mouse.
Two banks with different rates have a conflict of interest.
What do you get for diving into a wave of oranges.
Vitamin Sea.
Did you hear about the statistician who drowned crossing the river?
It was three feet deep on average.
A person without arms and a knife in their mouth is still technically armed,
but only to the teeth.
As soon as the ancient Egyptian kings come to know about the pyramid scheme, they stopped building monuments immediately.
What do you call two spine bones that are friends?
Vertebros.
Someone vandalized my keyboard leaving only 1 button.
Surprisingly, the police were more thorough in the investigation than I expected. They even asked to see my colon.
An army of werewolves is known as a Fur-eign Legion.
What would the Egyptian doctor tell to the wife of the Egyptian Pharaoh? He said that she was going to become a mummy.
The colonized do not like British tea. They only want liber-tea.
How do you stop a bear from charging?
Take away its credit cards.
Why do Earth Science professors like to teach about ammonia?
Because it's basic material.
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