She said, "Don't go bacon my heart."
I told her, "I couldn't if I fried."
What did the banana do when he saw a monkey? The banana split!
Where is a frog's favorite place to eat?
At IHOP.
There was this bald guy at the bus
He seemed really lightheaded
How do little avocados get what they want?
They spread it on thick.
What does a dinosaur call a porcupine? A toothbrush.
Don’t be hay-tin on autumn!
Why didn't the medieval farmers harvest flowers to make tea?
It would have been an exercise in feudal-lily-tea.
What did the dog say when he had a bad day?
Today has been ruff.
My computer is so slow it's running in the '90s.
Why did the Pilgrims sail to America?
It was too far to swim.
Why are flowers so good at problem-solving?
They know how to nip things in the bud.
What did the flower tell his son before a big game?
I’m rooting for you.
Don’t go bacon my heart.
Flight allows flamingos to stay safe from predators. This is natural selection in action, and explains why flaminstays are extinct.
“Mom, what do we have for this dinner?” – “I cannot tell you. It is a little soup-prise, son!”
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a bowl of ice cream by its diameter? Pi a'la mode.
"Oh, sweet child of wine."
A good air conditioner is worth its weight in cold.
Q. What did the doe say to the louse on her new baby fawn?
A. Gosh deer nit!
"Hi, I'm Buzz Aldrin. Second person to step on the moon.
Neil before me."
What did the eskimo say when he chopped down a tree?
Tim-brrr
Why did the turkey NOT cross the road?
To prove that he wasn't chicken.
We are mint to be.
5 years ago today I asked my childhood sweetheart, my best friend, and the most beautiful woman in the world to marry me.
All three said No!
Why won’t crocodiles attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy!
Somebody was doing a speech and said, "This might be corny," and pulled out a couple of canned corns. Guess what happened next?
Total pundemonium.
What do you call an angry kangaroo?
Hopping mad.
Where do water droplets go to settle arguments?
The Supreme Quart.
What do you call it when the Bigfoot in charge makes pasta for all the others?
Alpha Yeti Spaghetti!
Did you hear about the CEO that got fired at the dairy farm? He was skimming a little bit off the top.
What does a birthday cake and a baseball team have in common?
They both need good batters.
What are ants made of?
Antimatter.
Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?
Nurse: No change yet.
why are the discarded papers that once held the halloween candy just like vocalists who have lost their rhythm, art, and poetry?
they are both empty rappers
What did the vegan wear to the beach?
A zucchini!
Why doesn’t Sweden export its cattle?
It wants to keep its Stockholm.
What type of motorcycle do London Plane trees like to ride? Treeumph.
"Do you play the trom-bone?"
Before the Koalaville basketball team can play for the national championship, they have to make it through the koalafying rounds.
I like my matches like my tennis balls: Pressureless.
What’s the best pick up line for someone you meet in a steak restaurant? “Nice to meat you”, of course.”
Emo bunnies just do not carrot all.
They say marriage is like a workshop. Where the man works and the women shops.
What do you call a knife that cuts 4 loaves of Irish bread at once?
A four loaf cleaver!
Why did the belt get arrested? Because he held up a pair of pants. What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.
What do pigs do on the evening of February 14th?
They have a valenswines dinner.
What's the most important day in Egypt?
Mummy's Day.
Two kids are camping in their backyard, it's gotten pretty late and neither of them has a watch.
"What time do you think it is?" one of them asks the other.
"Just make a ton of noise," says the other.
The first kid gets confused and decides to do it anyway. After a few seconds of screaming, a light turns on in another yard and a neighbor yells, "YOU CRAZY KIDS IT'S 2 IN THE MORNING!!"
I've been dying to go to Greece on vacation.
But all they serve is bar food.
It ain’t over till it’s clover.
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