Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
What do you call an onion that is very sick and has a high temperature? It is a boiling onion.
What did the hummus say to the pita bread when he got sick?
I falafel.
The investigative journalist said that he would reveal all the in-cider information this fall.
What kind of magazine does a rock like to read?
Rolling Stone.
I thought I won the argument with my wife as to how to arrange the dining room furniture... But when I got home, the tables were turned
Why do accountants make good lovers?
They're great with figures.
I once played chess with an Egyptian King...
...I was distracted for a moment, and when I turned around he was blatantly attempting to cheat. I told him that that wasn't very pharaoh.
I am an introvert, but you know how to bring me out of my shell.
What did the banana do when he saw a monkey? The banana split!
Irish you a whole pot of gold!
The only things wolves have that no other animal on the face of the earth has are wolf cubs.
Once you've seen one Lion eat a Giraffe...
You've seen a maul!
Q. Why couldn't the dinosaur play games on the computer?
A. Because he ate the mous
Q: How does a tiger stop a video?
A: By pressing paws.
They don’t maintain the outhouses at our campground anymore...
They’re real sh** holes.
I asked the bartender for the WiFi password but he told me to buy a drink first. So I ordered a Moscow Mule and asked him again. He handed me a card with the password. It said:
"Buy a drink first" ... no spaces, all lowercase."
What is Santa's favorite breakfast food? Snow-flakes.
I met a chicken once; she was desperate to join a band. She even had her own drumsticks.
People say Frankenstein’s monster had a temper…
But actually he was surprisingly level-headed.
What did Hillary Clinton say when Bill wanted a new Saxophone?
"Not until you get rid of that HarMonica."
Did you hear about the scientist that studied nectarines? He won the Nobel Peach Prize.
You've really struck a gourd with me...
Vampires can always Count on Dracula.
Poured beer over my garden before planting the lawn. I hoped the grass would come up half cut.
Where do werewolf go if their tails fall off?
A re-tail store.
We were all sturtled by the incoming news.
I had a really good fantasy football team.
Then, My Luck ran out.
What does Willow Smith say to her pets? I whip my hare back and forth.
Why are Dalmatians so bad at hiding?
Because they are always spotted.
Jokes are a lot like American football.
If you haven't gotten anywhere with the first three tries, you'll need to rely on your punner.
"I carrot wait for the Easter Bunny."
A group of crows drooling over a pastry is called a-tempted murder.
What card game do crocodiles like playing?
Snap!
What happens when you make love on a couch?
It becomes a sectional.
I aorta tell my wife how much I love her.
Mummies are very aware of investment security. Their favorite is Cryptocurrency.
My wife asked: "What's our WiFi?"
I said: It's an internet connection that works wirelessly through something called a modem. Why?"
She hasn't spoken to me all week.
A tree toad loved a she-toad,
Who lived up in a tree.
He was a three-toed tree toad,
But a two-toed toad was she.
The three-toed tree toad tried to win,
The two-toed she-toad's heart,
For the three-toed tree toad loved the ground,
That the two-toed tree toad trod.
But the three-toed tree toad tried in vain.
He couldn't please her whim.
From her tree toad bower,
With her two-toed power,
The she-toad vetoed him.
How was the snow globe feeling after the storm?
A little shaken
What did one pig say to the other?
Let’s be pen pals.
Why was the dog such a good storyteller?
Because he knew how to paws for dramatic effect.
Who in the hell names their son “Tiger” ?
Only people in the Woods’
Where do meteorologists like to drink after work?
The closest ISOBAR.
What do you call a walnut in a narwal costume? A nar-walnut.
What is the difference between a catfish and a lawyer? One is a bottom-dwelling, scum-sucking scavenger and the other is a fish!
Which monster plays the most April Fool’s jokes?
Prankenstein.
Billy turned in his art project and his teacher said, “This piece of paper has nothing on it?”
Billy replied “I know, I drew a blank.”
What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.
I’m fondue you.
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