People often accuse me of “stealing other’s jokes” and being “a plagiarist.”
Their words, not mine.
Did you hear about one flower who went on a date with another flower?
It’s a budding romance.
What does a flower say when they’re offering you a job?
Take it or leaf it.
Did you hear about the flower who was struck in a hit and run?
She was leafed for dead.
Is beef soup good for our health? Not if you are the cow.
The summer sun makes me as happy as a clam at high tide.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road? Because the chicken joke wasn't invented yet.
I like telling fart jokes.
They are tough to hold in.
Digging trenches during the middle ages was seen as a great honor because it showed someone's shovelry!
Every time I hang out my laundry, I can't resist singing "Nine to Five" ...
Guess that's what I get for using Dolly pegs.
Did you hear about the cardiologist who went to great lengths to win the heart of a hematologist?
It was all in vein.
I'm snow bored.
Why did the volleyball player have ropes and shoe strings? They wanted to tie the score.
What is a dairy product like as a partner?
They’re your butter half.
Why is corn popular around Halloween?
Because it’s so earie.
Car Salesman: And if you don't like this color, we have another one in "Boulder Gray"
Me: Gray isn't very bold to begin with, how did you make it bolder?
Why do we tell actors to “break a leg”?
Because every play needs a cast.
My wife started a tropical diet
There’s so much stuff in the house it’s enough to make a mango crazy.
A truck carrying ladders crashed on the road. The cargo has spilled over, but police are taking steps to clear the area.
Why did the fold get arrested?
Because it was caught rolling a joint.
Why is the ocean always on time?
She likes to stay current.
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a water hose?
Hare spray.
Why did the cheese get in trouble?
It was up to no gouda.
What dinosaur is always sad? Cryalotosaurus
You’re as sweet as Pi.
A strawberry who is a thief is called a rob-berry
Did you hear about the snake who wrote a love letter to his girlfriend?
He sealed it with a hiss.
Have you ever heard of the Poder bird?
It is also known as the Toucan
Someone stole my lawn gnome that was under my porch!
Who would stoop so low?
What did God say to the polar bears when they told him they hate spring and summer?
Well, they can't all be winters.
As autumn came, the leaves started greeting each other by saying, "Hay there!"
Did you hear the one about the apathetic vegetable?
It didn't carrot all.
What do you call a kangaroo that asks for seconds on ramen?
A more-soupial
Today I learned that Both Charles Darwin and Albert Einstein married their first cousins.
For both, it’s all relative.
What can you make with 6.02 x 10^23 avocados?
Guaca-mole.
A kitchen sink that treats you right?
That's a Farrah Fawcett.
When can a pizza marry a hot dog? After a very frank relationship.
What did one werewolf say when he saw his friend?
- Howl’s it going?
What is a skeleton's favorite musical instrument?
The xylobone.
How does santa get his Reindeer to fly? He uses Red Bull because it gives you wings!
What do you get if you cross a dinosaur with a pig?
Jurassic Pork.
I get a real kick out of you.
What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
It’s Christmas, Eve!
What do you call Bears without ears
B.
What do snowmen wear on their heads?
Ice caps.
What did the duck say when she purchased new lipstick?
"Put it on my bill."
What do you get if you cross a tree and a baseball player? Babe Root.
What do you call an extremely disgusting unicorn that no one likes? An eeeww-nicorn.
What do you call a herd of undead llamas?
The zombie alpacalypse.
Does a water bed become bouncier when you fill it up with spring water?
What do whales do when they get angry?
They blow up and then let off steam.
Where do Santa Claus and his deers stop to have a coffee at Christmas?
“Star – Bucks!”
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