I’m a small Irish creature who has been diagnosed with a serious sickness. It’s Leprechronic.
Why are winter days great?
They’re snow much fun!
For his birthday, the snowman wants a cake with lots of icing on it.
I like bowling.
Seriously, it’s right up my alley.
What did bacon say to tomato? Lettuce get together.
What do you call a maternal Turkish robot water weasel?
An Ottoman otter-mom automaton.
Did you know that you only need two letters to spell Panda?
You just need P and A.
I’m o-fish-ally in love with you.
Why do donuts make terrible teachers?
They’re always glazing over the important stuff.
Why did the lemon like the orange? He’s not from concentrate.
Werewolf Weather Furcast: Tomorrow we expect heavy showers.
You are shrimply the best!
What did the ocean say to the beach?
Thanks for all the sediment.
If George Frederic Handel would be born in the modern era, his favorite song would be "Club Can't Even Handel Me."
Big Foot has been spotted throwing tantrums and talking back to his parents.
No wonder they call him the Sassquatch.
The ocean doesn't like to say hello, it just waves.
My town always holds a contest to see which beer drinker's belly is biggest by seeing how far it goes past a line...
That's the paunch-line.
A man has found water while digging in his backyard. For many years, he used the water at home saving tons of money until one day, the water stopped flowing. So he dug a little bit further and found water again and used it for years until it also dried up. This time, he went further, brought a digging machine, and dug a deeper hole until he found water.
Neighbors, annoyed by the noise, called the local sheriff who arrives to check what was happening in the backyard. The sheriff discovering the scene in the backyard says:
"Well, well, well ... What have we got here?"
Why do bananas wear suntan lotion? Because they peel!
When the unripe strawberry saw the ripe one, it was green with envy.
What is a snake’s favorite subject in school?
Hisstory.
How do ghosts wash their hair? Sham-boo.
What did the laser weapon say to the atom bomb?
"OK boomer."
What is a car’s favourite element?
Carbon.
Everyone remembers the iconic line from the lesser known Tragedy of Julius Sneezer:
"Achoo, Brute?"
When the giant cannibals started to soak me in vinegar, I'd had enough.
"Why don't you pickle someone your own size?" I shouted.
Why are skeletons so good at chopping down trees?
They're LUMBARjacks!
What do snowmen do on Christmas?
Play with the snow angels.
I don’t know why I couldn’t convince my wife she would like the set of knives I made her for Mother’s Day.
I made several good points.
How do you shoot a three-headed ghoul?
Bang! Bang! Bang!
How were these puns about puns?
They were pun-questionably pun-fortunate!
If we played hot potato I’d lose, because I’d never let you go.
Why couldn’t the angle get a loan?
His parents wouldn’t Cosine.
The bowl of soup you bought yesterday from the Chinese restaurant was souper terrible.
How did the coconut hit on the pineapple? It said ” you are the pina to my colada.”
What did the grouchy mushroom say to the loud mushroom? - Put a cap on it.
Have you ever tried kangaroo meat? I have. It was tasty, but it made me a bit jumpy.
Why couldn't the leopard play hide and seek?
Because he was always spotted.
Why did the skeleton have to testify in court?
Because he was a body of evidence.
Seas the day!
A pine and an apple talk to a pineapple “Poor you, my friend! You are certainly adopted, dude.”
ALDI grocery stores have announced their new store brand peanuts.
ALDI’s nuts.
Why didn’t Guns N Roses turn up for the gig when it was snowing?
Axel Froze.
How is it that elephants are always ready for a swim?
They never forget their trunks!
Did you know that milk is a very religious beverage? Most of them are pastor-ized.
Where do you go to learn how to make ice cream?
Sundae school.
My wife said she'll leave me if I don't stop the laundry punsץ
So from today I'm detergent to be better.
What do you feed a 700 pound gorilla?
Just give him anything he wants and then run.
What do you call a Boston creme donut that’s a straight-A student?
The creme of the crop.
What do you call a goat that lip-syncs?
Billy Vanilli.
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