What kind of cake do you get at a cafeteria?
A stomach-cake!
The science teacher decided to take her class out on a field trip to the mountains because all the kids in her class desperately needed higher grades.
Why did the person throw their computer cabinet in the air?
They wanted to store it in the cloud.
Writers are cold because they’re surrounded by drafts.
Why wasn't the archaeologist interested in girls?
Because he only dated mummies.
What do you call a guy with no arms and legs lying on a pile of leaves?
Russle.
Another term for hair that's tied up in a bun is
a hairball
Someone asked me recently why I don't put any ketchup or mustard on my hotdog
And I told them it's because I just wanna relish it.
Did you hear about the mother who gave birth to her baby while she was in the sky?
I guess you can say the baby was airborne
My friend accidentally got salt in his papercut.
Talk about adding insalt to injury.
Take off all your cloves.
Why didn't the kids eat their soup? Because they're stew peed.
What a spud muffin.
What is a dentist’s favorite hymn?
Crown Him with Many Crowns
How did architects earn a living in ancient Egypt?
Pyramid schemes
What goes white black white black white black red?
A panda that falls from a cliff.
What do chemists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms?
A ferrous wheel.
I miss the old days of railway when the engineer had plenty of esteem.
Why did the college football team stop smoking
They lost all their matches.
I'm giving away a free legless parrot.
No perches necessary.
What do you call for injured ants?
The ant-bulance.
Have you found the center of gravity yet? It’s the letter v.
Our local butcher had to go to the doctor the other day. He didn’t know what was wrong, but said that he was feeling offal.
What’s a good winter tip?
Never catch snowflakes on your tongue until all the birds have flown south for the winter.
If flamingos can’t fly, how on earth do they get about? They use flamingo karts, of course.
What is the fastest way to make a setter angry? Each time you make a pass, tell the setter the ball is “Up” and then say “Yours!”
What do you call a dinosaur at the rodeo? Bronco-saurus or a Tyrannasourus Tex
Medieval cures...
Were leeches on society
Why do mummies like myelin?
Because of all the wrapping.
My fiance is kidding... She's due in 7 months!
I want to practice my forehand outside, but it will be wet in the morning and nice later on. So here’s the plan for today: inside-out.
Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
How do you know when a joke becomes a dad joke?
It'll become apparent.
You're one in a melon.
Why did the orange go to the doctor?
“It wasn’t peeling well.”
Why did the cherry go to the good drinks factory? It was cordially invited.
The tiger ran away from other tigers as they were rude to him. He didn't want to be involved in a catfight.
Practice safe text: use commas.
What should you get Lassie, the star of the hit TV show, for Valentine's Day?
A cauliflower.
I told my friend that our old school friend is coming to attend St Patrick's feast. She was surprised. She asked, "O'Reilly?"
What did the realtor reply when I asked if he liked reading real estate magazines?
"Yes, I love reading them but only periodically".
You might be startled to see a hamburger working out in your local gym. Don’t worry, they’re just there because they want better buns.
A bit late but here goes anyway: what do you call the elf who checks Santa's grammar?
A subordinate claus!
Where does fog go to the bathroom?
Anywhere it wants.
When you finish the lemons that life gives you;
Sublime.
Flamingoes have a special name for one of their numbers who has passed away. They call it flamingone.
What kind of car does an otter drive? A Furrari.
What did one frog say.to the other?
Time's sure fun when you're having flies.
A child was bored out of his mind. His mother told him that they are going to the laundry mat and the child said "that is the most boring place on earth."
Then the mother said, "Come on, it will be loads of fun."
What did the Endoplasmic Reticulum say to the Golgi. I like your body, and the Golgi said it's complex.
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