I scream, you scream, we all scream for icecream!
What do you call a happy rabbit? An Hop-timist.
What do you call a woman who sets fire to all her bills ?
Bernadette.
How do fish get high?
Seaweed.
Q: What do you call a mummy who wins the lottery?
A: A lucky stiff
What do dolphins need to stay healthy?
Vitamin Sea!
What do you get from a bad-tempered shark?
You get as far away as possible.
My head hurt and I had a really runny nose during math class
I think i had a sin(x) infection.
Q: What does a tiger call an antelope?
A: Fast food.
"Over-easy like Sunday morning."
When I was younger, I dressed up as a frog and robbed a bank.
That was the first time that I Kerm-itted a crime.
What do you call a zombie DJ?
A dead beat.
Why doesn’t anyone invite an ice cream cone to their party?
They’re a drip.
A crow was arrested under suspicion of murder. The case was closed, as the judge said he had just caws.
What do you call an turkey with a carrot in each ear? Anything you want as he can't hear you!
Why are seabirds so lucky in love?
Because one good tern always deserves another.
Who does May like the best?
April Showers, because April Showers brings May flowers!
I recently quit my job as a butler at a stately home.
I refuse to be ordered around in that manor.
My poor knowledge of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles elbow.
What do you call 144 kangaroos in a box?
Gross.
Two kittens on a sloped roof.
Which one slides off first?
The one with the lowest mew.
What do you call a cow that has 1 leg? Steak
If, instead of talking to your plants, you yelled at them, would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?
If marriage is grand, what is divorce?
Ten grand!
My milk found all these jokes to be pretty fun. He said they were a-moo-sing!
My friend uses a white crow to protect his farm from other crows
He calls it a rarecrow
Would Gretzky have changed his name in order to play in Mexico?
Yes, The Great Juan did what it takes.
I'm moving some couches today...
Sofa, so good!
Did you hear that cats have carried out a Coup in Barcelona and declared independence from Spain?
They're calling themselves the Republic of Catalo-nya.
I knew a vampire who became a poet.
He went from bat to verse.
She sells seashells on the seashore.
The shells she sells are seashells, I’m sure.
And if she sells seashells on the seashore,
Then I’m sure she sells seashore shells.
Whale, whale, whale…
If it isn’t a pod.
Why was the picture of the dog sent to jail?
Because it was framed.
I've been trying to think of an electrical pun but now my head Hertz.
What is the cutest car?
A BM-cuddle-U
What eats laptops? Computer worms.
What do you call a man who lives in a bathroom?
Lou.
I had some impure water so I boiled the hell out of it and collected the condensation...
Now it’s wholly water.
Where do school-going vampires carry their books?
In bat-packs.
Q. Why did the gorilla go to the barber?
A. He was concerned about his ape-pearance.
What do you call a square that got into a car accident?
A rect-angle
Who’s a llama’s favorite actor?
Al Pacacino.
Most of the fruits usually drink their juice with a straw-berry.
What did the egg say to the boiling water?
I might have some trouble getting hard, I just got laid this morning!
We were having lunch with my wife's parents. Her father asked if she and I were still going to a concert later that night. He asked, "Are you guys going out?"
I said, "actually, we're married".
I'm a sock cutter and I cut socks.
I'm a sock cutter and I cut socks.
I'm a sock cutter and I cut socks.
What's the difference between Amazon Prime and the Amazon River? The Amazon River actually has sails.
It is really rare to find the most perfectly cooked steak.
Italians are so good at making coffee because they naturally like to espresso themselves.
My wife and I had a huge argument as to whose turn it was to do laundry.
Eventually, I folded.
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