I would tell a time travel joke,
but you didn't like it.
I went deep sea diving and a mollusk wanted to give me a hug!
Damn cuddlefish.
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Edit*: sorry it seems as the CTRL button on my keyboard isn't working
What did one beached whale say to the other beached whale?
Long time no sea.
Why aren’t dogs good dancers?
Because they have two left feet.
Why can I not make jokes about the recent attacks in France?
Because jokes are all about execution.
Have you heard of the band 1023MB?
They haven't got a gig yet.
What were the ponies most excited for in the meal?
The main horse.
What type of ice cream do fish like to eat?
Shark-o-late!
What do you get when you cross a turtle with a porcupine?
A slow poke.
What do you call an alligator in a vest?
An investigator!
What do you call a sloth that barely moves a muscle? A slow-off (show off).
Did Texas survive last week's winter storms?
Burrrrrrrrrrrrrrly.
How do you type the word "Royalty" on a keyboard?
You start with the higher R key.
When the giant cannibals started to soak me in vinegar, I'd had enough.
"Why don't you pickle someone your own size?" I shouted.
What do you drive in a river? An otter-mobile.
The doctor told me I shouldn’t eat alphabet soup.
I suffer from irritable vowel syndrome.
That dog is so beautiful. She should be on the cover of Vanity Fur.
Flamingos can get away with the most outrageous behaviour and you’d never know that they were embarrassed. This is because you can never tell when they are blushing.
What does a vampire bat call a bloodmobile?
Meals on Wheels.
What's green and got two wheels?
A motorpickle.
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
What do you call an alert ant?
Vigil-ant.
Luke Luck likes lakes.
Luke's duck likes lakes.
Luke Luck licks lakes.
Luck's duck licks lakes.
Duck takes licks in lakes Luke Luck likes.
Luke Luck takes licks in lakes duck likes.
Did you hear about the two silkworms that were in a race? They wound up in a tie.
What did the Turkey wear on Halloween?
He was a goblin.
Djokovic to his friends the morning after winning the U.S. Open: Is anyone hungry for some Denny’s? Because I would like another Grand Slam.
What do you call a Halloween boner? Petrified wood
This year, I've really enjoyed watching 'Planet Earth'.
It's a shame that it only has four seasons.
What do you think they use in space, when they run out of the drinking cups? The Big Dipper.
Got fired from my job at the keyboard factory. I couldn't keep the space clean.
Who’s an apple’s favorite relative?
Granny.
What do you get when you dump your Easter eggs on a hill?
A spring roll!
What do you call a famous turtle?
A shell-ebrity.
Where do parrots get away on holiday? To the beak!
Irish potatoes are spud-tacular.
Why did the penguin cross the road?
To go with the floe!
What kind of party is held in a cornfield?
A cornball!
Q: What do you get when you walk around with cherries in your shoes?
A: Toe jam.
If I had a talking parrot, the first thing I would teach it to say is "Help, they've turned me into a parrot!"
How do you get in contact with a Greek architect?
You column.
Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?
Real rocks are too heavy.
Why do mice have long tails?
Well, they’d look silly with long hair!
Why didn’t the flower get a second date?
He was garden variety.
What's Irish and stays out all night?
Paddy O'Furniture.
Two fish are in a tank, one says to the other "how do you drive this thing?"
What type of real estate transactions do dwarves prefer?
Short sales.
Which superstar has a nose for the puck? Mario the Magsniffascent.
What do you call a person who spends a lot of time sitting and staring at potatoes? A medi-tator.
I hate windy weather. It really blows.
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