How do you split the ocean in half?
With a sea-saw.
What did the cheese say after escaping the mouse? I'm Brieeee!
How do you know a flmaingo has stolen your shoes?
Only one shoe is missing.
What's the Difference Between a Chemist and a Chemical Engineer?
Oh, about $10 K a year.
Why did the two puns go to camp together?
They wanted to be pun-kmates!
What did the watermelon wife say to his stinky husband? You’ve got a strange smelon you today.
What side of the tree contains the most leaves? The outside, of course.
I tried asking some beavers to help me build my house. They didn’t give a dam.
Happy St. Cat-rick’s day!
SpaceX is launching astronauts today with a new space catapult
Bringing forth a new era of crude spaceflight.
My wife: Did you know a single dolphin can have more than 200 offspring?
Me: Wow How about the married ones?
What do you call it when a Crocodile becomes an Elvis Impersonator?
Crocabilly
I had gradient expectations on him of being a good artist, but it was all in vain!
Why can't you use beef stew as a password?
Because it's not stroganoff.
What do you call a Mexican snake?
Hisssspanic.
Tigers are like army soldiers. They both grow up to earn some stripes.
What is the name of Santa’s rudest deer?
Rude-olph.
Looking out at the water, a father explains why the ice breaks up in the spring.
The changing sea son.
Q: What is a tornado’s favorite Elton John song?
A: Candle in the Wind!
Do you know why the U.S. Navy always keeps at least two canaries on board each of their submarines?
Because everyone knows that if you have a big sub you also need a good set of tweeters.
Crows hold grudges. They're also fond of eating the dead. Now...
they've been found to copulate with corpses.
NeCROWphilia.
What's a pickle's favorite book?
To Dill A Mockingbird.
Why did the house go to the doctor?
It was having window panes.
The pancake was quiet because it did not like to waffle.
How can you tell that a blondes been baking chocolate chip cookies? Theres M&M shells all over the floor.
Son: I was really Hungary and I ate the whole Turkey. There is only Greece left.
Me: I couldn’t Bolivia!
What do mermaids wash their fins with?
Tide.
What is the name of the horse that a knight onion rides? They ride a scallion.
How do you kiss someone at the end of the world?
On the apoca-lips.
What’s a good way to start a conversation with a cheese plate on Tinder?
“Hello. Is it brie you’re looking for?”
What did the priest say at the flooding river?
God, dam it!
What did the beaver say when it saw it's home on fire?
Hot Dam!
I like big books and I cannot lie.
What do you call a tree with no tinsel, baubles, or topping?
A tree.
What do trees drink at their parties? Root beer.
Who is the funniest fruit around? Cherry Seinfeld.
A tree fell over in our yard but we aren't sure why.
We're looking for the root cause.
What do you call who has been electrocuted? You call it anion.
How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Only 2. They'll fit.
What did the duck say when the waitress came?
Put it on my bill.
I once attended the saddest watermelon funeral I’ve ever been to. I gotta say, I’ve never seen anything so meloncholy in my life.
I used to hate tennis, but ever since I’ve started winning 6-0, I love it now.
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
Went to the doctor because I got a strawberry stuck in my ear
He gave me some cream for it
Girlfriend was working on the motorcycle with me the other day...
She exclaimed "God! This is ridiculous. I need, like, four arms to do this!".
To which I replied "but honey, you DO have forearms!"
Why do bee keepers have beautiful eyes?
Because they hold bees. (Beauty is in the eye of the bee holder)
Why was the guy looking for fast food on his friend? Because his friend said dinner is on me.
Why did the light bulb fail his math quiz?
He wasn’t too bright.
What sickness do cowboys get from riding wild horses?
Bronchitis.
What did the carrot say to the rabbit? Do you want to grab a bite?
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