Why do skeletons hate the cold?
It sends chills up their spine.
What did the gorilla say after spending one month at te gym?
Geez, gain a little muscle mass, and everybody acuses you of steroids. As if eating too many bananas wasn't dopey enough!
What do u get from a perverted apple? Hard Cider.
What is an owl’s dream occupation?
Flight attendant.
My doctor said I need to change my diet. He said I should eat more more caviar and drink more champagne. So, I said, "That's insane! What kind of a diet is that?" He replied, "It's called a High Fluten Diet."
What did Frankenstein say when he was struck by lightning?
Great! A jolt to the bolt!
Did you hear about those really bad storms that hit that boy scout camp over night?
They were in tents.
I just finished the Mona Lisa made from vegetables. It's a masterpeas.
What is the shortest month of the year?
M-A-Y.
Why does it take so long to shave a giant sheep with normal-sized clippers?
Shear size.
What is it called when two Irish couples go out on a date?
Dublin date.
How did the coffee show its love? It said, "Words cannot espresso how much you bean to me."
Did you hear about the medieval kinghunter?
He excelled in throne weapons
Where did Noah keep his bees? In his archive.
What's green and pecks on trees?
Woody Wood Pickle.
Where do werewolf go if their tails fall off?
A re-tail store.
Go big or go gnome.
Why are cedars so hard to get along with? They suffer from bigo-tree and ex-tree-mism.
There's a South American country where they have a rare pepper. Instead of being hot when you eat it, it makes your mouth feel cold.
It's called the Chilly Chile Chili.
What would you call a singer who's really scared of medusa?
A rockstar.
My son asked me if we were related to any Egyptian Pharaohs.
I told him, unfortunately son we do not even have so much as a toot in common.
My dad always said the secret to theatre was to always leave them wanting more.
He was a great guy but a terrible anaesthetist.
What should you do if you see a blue banana?
Try and cheer it up.
What do you call a weary Viking conqueror?
Bluetooth low energy
What was the most famous bat comedy team?
Ab-bat and Costello.
I wanted to be a professional fortune-teller but I wasn't very good at it. I could only predict when there would be bad winter storms. Well, turns out I had been using a snow globe.
What did the Power Ranger say after being sent to the hospital?
It's morphine time.
You can tell an ant’s gender by putting it in the water.
If it sinks, it’s a girl. If it floats, it’s a buoyant.
For the last two weeks my kids have been building a medieval blanket fort every evening to sleep in. Many nights they also stayed up past their bedtime playing fortnight under its protective cover.
It was a night knight fort for Fortnight for a fortnight.
I got a new bread recipe where you don’t have to get your hands messy by mixing the dough.
It is kneadless, to say.
What do you call a bee that comes back from the dead?
Zombee
Which color is the fastest?
Red, because it is always redy.
Daughter's boyfriend introduced himself to me and said "Hi sir I'm david, nice to meet you".
He put out his hand and I said "David are you nervous?" He said no, so I grabbed his hand looked him in the eyes and said...
"Then why are you shaking?"
My band only plays dog whistles.
You've probably never heard us.
"You're the wine that I want."
What do cows get when they are sick? Hay Fever.
And the collective nouns go: a murder of crows, a herd of cows, a migraine of children.
What is the warmest period in the history of the world's climate called?
Climax.
All the peanuts decided to start a social nutwork where they would all link up for a common good and even advocate for their rights.
What is fruity and burns?
The grape fire of London.
What are pigs celebrating when they celebrate their birthday? The day they were boar-n.
What did the pig do when it came to a pork in the road? It pigged the road less traveled.
Away from their official duties, soccer players love dancing at a soccer ball.
Why did the witch's team lose the cricket game?
Their bats flew away.
What do you call a Koala that can pick up an elephant ? Sir!
Why was the Navy Seal sad?
He doesn't like the color blue.
What do Mexicans wear on their heads in the pool?
Swimbreros.
Why did Chanel sue a company which came out with its own "No. 5" perfume?
They thought it was a fragrant violation of the law.
A seal goes into a bar and the bartender asked him,"What will it be Mr seal?"
The seal responds,"anything but a Canadian Club".
A Roman walks into a cafe and makes an "X" with his fingers.
He says, "Ten teas, please!"
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