What do you call a cold dog?
A pup-sicle. Better steer clear, especially if he’s fur-ocious… don’t want him to give you frost-bite.
What did the ear of corn say when all of its clothes fell off?
Awe shucks!
I checked my phone bill after my trip to Italy, and it said I spent DCXII dollars.
I must have left on Data Roman.
Why can't inmates read a clock? Because it's hard time.
I’d like to tell you folks a joke about paper, but It’s tearable.
What do you call an English rock band playing in the mist? Foghat.
Why did the thief steal a pig? Because he was a hamburglar.
What’s the best dessert to serve at a St. Patrick’s Day party?
Paddy cake!
What do you call an alligator that sneaks up and bites you from behind?
A tail-gater.
What happened to the pineapple who was turned down for a date? Crushed pineapple.
What’s long, green and goes hith?
A snake with a lisp.
My doctor told me to cut down on red meat.
So, could you brown it up a bit?
Q. What do you call a gorilla who studies large primates and has great grades?
A. Ape lust student.
A red ship and a blue ship collided in the ocean.
Apparently the survivors are marooned.
"Darling, shall we buy some vegetables for tonight?"
"Yes, lettuce!"
What’s a missionary’s favorite type of car?
A convertible.
What did the lemon juice say to the baking soda?
Ya basic!
Rock was magma before it was cool.
“I am hungary.”
“Maybe you should czech the fridge.”
“I’m russian to the kitchen.”
“Is there any turkey?”
“We have some, but it’s covered in greece”
“ew, there’s norway I’d eat that!”
The mama nut told her children to kick off their dirty cashews before stepping into the house.
Can’t wait for the first married woman to walk on the red planet.
Just so I can ask if there’s wife on Mars.
Why did the penguin cross the road?
It was the chicken’s day off.
Ireland always leaves me wanting Moher.
What does the Yeti do when he is tired?
Himalaya down.
A friend of mine quit his job as a reporter and left town by railway. It was an ex-press train.
"Oh, I wanna dance with some bunny, with some bunny who loves me."
My dog never stands up for himself.
He just rolls over.
Why did the teacher use the evolution of Thor in viking mythology to teach both literature and Northern European history in her class?
She wanted to demonstrate using a Meta-Thor.
What do you call it when you need a break at work and go to the bathroom even though you don't need to go?
A sham poo.
How does a vampire make tea? With a used tampon.
I invented a device that can stop a snake in its tracks.
It's made of asphalt.
Trowel and error.
What do you call two watermelons that are not allowed to get married? A couple of can’t- elopes.
"You crack me up."
I’m so adjective, I verb noun.
Why did the troll go running?
To keep up with you!
Why did the bus driver take a long break? He needed a wheel-y good rest!
What do you call a crocodile that likes to bowl?
An alley-gator!
Why do cats like computers the best?
Cuz they have a mouse.
You’re traveling the Oregon Trail and you meet a man named Terry. You say “Terry? That’s a girls name!” He pulls out his gun and shoots you.
You have died from dissin' Terry.
I told my boss, "Sorry I'm late. I was having computer issues."
Boss: Hard drive?
Me: No, the commute was fine. It's my laptop.
How do you leave any building in Spain?
You "follow salida lida lida..."
What's a camel's favorite part of a meal?
Desert!
Why don’t dolphin do well on school tests?
Because they work below C-Level!
Campground bathrooms are always behind the times.
They're all past tents.
What's more amazing than a talking turkey? A spelling bee!
The Cuban main violinist's string snapped during a performance. Luckily, he got offered another violin by his American friend.
That day, another Fiddle Catastrophe was prevented.
Here’s my best advice for getting a job in the lotion industry:
Apply daily.
A friend of mine swallowed some food colouring. He feels he dyed a little inside.
What do you call a horse on a boat attached to land?
Docked.
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