What kind of writer did the ghost hire to write his biography? A ghostwriter, duh.
What's a mummy's favorite song?
Walk Like An Egyptian.
When the pitch is flooded, soccer players can still go on. They just need to bring on their subs.
Which type of wine do horses request most often?
Chardon-neigh.
Why does the superhero shred his cheese?
For the grater good.
I didn't know WiFi stood for Wireless Fidelity.
I guess I just didn't get the connection.
Did you hear about the butcher who sat on his bacon slicer?
He got a little behind in his deliveries.
The real estate in my neighborhood has become so expensive that only cats can afford it.
You need nine lives to pay it off.
I tried to warn my son about the dangers of Russian roulette...
It went in one ear and out the other.
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked
doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
What will you call two quizzers having a date in spain comic con?
Spanish con-quiz-daters.
Why did the cows have towels? To keep each udder dry.
Why do they eat snail in France?
Because they don’t have fast food.
What do sharks order at McDonalds?
A quarter flounder.
My singing voice sounds bad in my tiny apartment.
It’s a little flat.
My mum makes peas for every meal. I'm sick of her reci-peas.
Q. Whay aren't gorillas afraid of zombies?
A. Because the ape-ocalypse doesn't frighten them.
What did Sophocles call his dating service in Ancient Greece?
Oedipal Arrangements.
What do you call a camper driving through frozen rain?
Van Hailin’.
If you're attacked by a group of clowns...
Go for the juggler.
My mum asked me to watch the stove while she went to the bathroom. She was so angry when she got back...
Things really boiled over
How long did Cain hate his brother?
As long as he was Abel.
I asked my husband to please press pause on the movie We were watching.
He called the dog over for the task, wanted to press his paws.
What do you call a cannibal that works in a university?
Hannibal Lecture.
What is the best way to observe the two planets between Jupiter and Neptune?
Saturn Uranus.
How do rabbits travel?
On hareplanes!
How do the cool camels say hello?
"How you dune?"
I've decided to marry a pencil.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B!
Why did the turkey cross the road? To prove to the possum that it could be done!
What did the deer say when he left the barbershop?
“I feel like a million bucks!”
What's the best way to stuff a turkey? Serve him lots of pizza and ice cream!
What do you call four Spanish guys in a capsized boat?
Quatro sinko.
What is Whitney Houston's favorite kind of lettuce?
Ennnnnnndddiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiivvvee.
My wife and I went to a turtle pun class yesterday.
It tortoise nothing.
People really liked the new king's coronation day peach. He truly deserves the throne.
What do you call a cheese that is an alcoholic? Livarot
What did the grouchy mushroom say to the loud mushroom? - Put a cap on it.
What do you call someone with fruit in one ear and whipped cream in the other?
A trifle deaf.
Los Angeles International Airport should sell their own brand of laxatives called LAXatives.
Ingenious iguanas improvising an intricate impromptu on impossibly-impractical instruments.
I got some salt in my eye
Now it’s see salt.
What is a defensive football players favorite dessert?
Apple Turnover.
How do you get a Minecraft themed party started? Let them eat cake.
I’m not a bad putter…
I just can’t catch a break.
How do you call clothings for spoons?
Silverwear
What do you get if you cross a bat with a woodpecker?
Bat-a-tat.
What’s a horse’s favorite animated movie?
Bolt.
Before the Koalaville basketball team can play for the national championship, they have to make it through the koalafying rounds.
My dad argued with a stove
The conversation really started to heat up
I used Brylcreem this morning to slick back my hair like my father used to do. My wife asked me what I was doing.
I said, "I'm having a dad hair day."
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