When the medieval sorcerer summoned a servant from the magical book, the Queen was astounded. This was a page right out of the book.
I can’t decide how to finish this wooden sign telling my parrot that she’s become a member of the Scottish aristocracy
Polyurethane?
Her ex-husband had a heart attack after winning the lottery
But he'd neglected to update his will. She just couldn't bereave her luck!
Mo mi mo me send me a toe,
Me me mo mi get me a mole,
Mo mi mo me send me a toe,
Fe me mo mi get me a mole,
Mister kister feet so sweet,
Mister kister where will I eat !?
From up here, I Cannes see the whole French Riviera!
Which was the largest Gladiator of them all?
Gluteus Maximus
Why did the advertising tycoons hire a bunch of apes?
They were running a gorilla marketing campaign.
Q: Why does it smell bad when you destroy fans?
A: Because you’re breaking wind.
My marriage is slowly turning into a melon farm. I keep hearing Honeydew this, Honeydew that.
The worst thing about living next door to a good gardener is that the grass is always greener on the other side.
If Stu chews shoes, should Stu choose the shoes he chews?
The young lady had to throw her toaster in the trash. She was diagnosed as black-toast intolerant.
The bowling team of which I am captain is known lightning. This is because we get countless strikes.
I saw a lion in a bar, trying to pick up a lioness literally half his age
and I'm like "man, you must have *no* pride"
A silent man walked into a bicycle shop...
He picked up a wheel and spoke.
I hooked a stereo up to my recliner.
Now it's a rocking chair.
What’s black and white and goes up and down?
A panda who’s stuck in a lift.
What is it called when two Irish couples go out on a date?
Dublin date.
Why didn’t the baby leave his momma?
Because he couldn’t bear it!
What breed of dog will laugh at any joke?
A Chi-ha-ha
Her: "Buffalo meat is delicious. What are they made of? Beef?"
Me: "No... They're made of buff."
What's the best way to stuff a turkey? Serve him lots of pizza and ice cream!
What do you call a boat in training?
An apprenticeship.
Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?
They’re pair-a-medics.
What do chickens grow on?
Eggplants.
What do you call a bear who practices dentistry?
A molar bear.
Did you hear about the guy who put little G.I. Joe soldiers at the bottom of his coffee cup?
He’d heard that the best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!
My peach friend shaved for the first time the other day, he looks like a nectarine!
I keep asking my physics teacher "what is the unit for power?"
But he just saying "Yes."
Mary Mac's mother's making Mary Mac marry me.
My mother's making me marry Mary Mac.
Will I always be so Merry when Mary's taking care of me?
Will I always be so merry when I marry Mary Mac?
I get so mad when the heater is on.
I don't know why, I just lose my cool.
What's a ghost with a broken leg called? A hoblin goblin.
Where did the nut keep his money?
In his cash shoe.
What’s the difference between a horse and wet weather?
One reigns up and the other rains down.
What do squirrels watch on TV?
Nut-flix.
I punched my monitor and now my hand really hertz.
Are sasquatches superstitious?
Yes, they always knock on wood!
What noise does a gorilla’s doorbell make?
King Kong
What is the definition of a slug? A snail with a housing problem!
What did one ornament say to another? I like hanging with you.
Did you hear of the new disease going through France?
I've heard it was a Paris-ite.
Which cheese surrounds a medieval castle?
Moatzarella.
Did you hear the one about the apathetic vegetable?
It didn't carrot all.
What do turtles do when one of them has a birthday?
They have a shell-ebration.
My wife is always telling me I shouldn’t stick Q-tips so far in my ear
At least that’s what I think she was saying.
We failed to find the dog's bone because the owner berried it.
I get a real kick out of you.
Why was the doctor’s favorite patient a cat? Because she has nine lives!
How do sick kangaroos get better?
They have a hoperation.
What do you call a medieval horse in the army
A knight-mare
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