Topside, silverside and brisket tend to groan when they get up from their chairs. This is because they are achey joints.
How does a dual agent sleep?
Well, first he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
Your name must be Autumn because I am falling for you.
I'm going to combine my interests of taxidermy and bomb making
by making you an otter you can't defuse.
Where do bad beavers go?
They're dammed to hell.
What was the nickname for the knight who ruled the fort?
"Fortnite"
How do you describe an onion which is in its early stages after birth? You say it is in its onion-ic period of its life.
What do you get when you cross a pig with a centipede?
Bacon and Legs.
What do you call a zombie with lots of kids?
A mom-ster.
The football won’t be the only thing spiked at this party.
There’s a lot of debate over where the best place to punch a shark is.
Personally, I think it’s the sea.
What do you get when you cross an alligator and a crocodile.
A funeral.
What did the deer say to his friend who has slipping down the mountain?
Hang on for deer life!
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
My girlfriend said we aren't getting married until she has a pear shape
It's the reason we cantaloupe
Thirty-three thousand feathers on a thrushes throat.
Which language do oranges use to speak to each other? Mandarin.
Tne thing you won't catch a vampire ordering in a restaurant is a stake sandwich.
I saw some leprechauns putting coins in the vending machine but in vain. They were using lepre-coins.
Onions have had a long process in the evolutionary chain. They have evolved into today's onions from onionderthals.
What do you call the dandruff found on unicorn manes? Horn flakes.
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta
What do you call memory loss in a parrot?
Polynesia
You sleigh me.
How many insects do you need to make money from your rental property?
Ten-ants.
How do you get two whales in a car?
Start in England and drive west.
What do get if you cross a duck and Santa?
A Christmas Quacker.
What do you call fake oranges?
“Pulp Fiction”
Why wasn't the archaeologist interested in girls?
Because he only dated mummies.
Did you hear about the wisdom tooth who got smart with the dentist?
[removed]
What's the difference between a person that just won the lottery and a fairy in salt water?
One is tickled pink, the other is a pickled Tink.
A bowl of salad went to church
Lettuce pray.
What did the tortilla chip say to the avocado when the dip bowl was empty?
“We’ve hit guac bottom!”
What type of cat lives under the sea? A purr-maid.
Q: Why did the cherry stop in the middle of the road?
A: It ran out of juice.
What can you find in both medieval English castles and American art museums?
Norman Rock Wells.
Why could the toilet paper not stop?
Because it was on a role.
I was at a funeral & asked the priest for the WiFi password
"Have some respect for the dead!" he said
I replied "Is that all lower case?"
Why did the submarine driver lose his job
Old, racist tweets resurfaced
How do you fix a broken tuba?
With a tuba glue.
Do you know about April 1st?
Yes, I’m fooly aware of it!
What did the giant say to Jack when he caught him sneaking around his castle?
"Have you bean stalking me?"
I couldn't chair less!
A physics teacher is about to jump off a high bridge
When a friend stops him saying, "Don't do it, you have so much potential."
What do you get if you cross a pumpkin with a bigfoot?
A Sasquash.
What does a tiger say to his friends before eating a meal? "Let us prey!"
Let me plant one on ya!
I did it! Dad said to save my money til my balance looks like a phone number.....
Available balance: $9.11.
What does a lady in a mall do with a cheesey credit card? Go on a shopping brie.
What do you call a dog who can fight?
A Boxer.
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