"Someone's stolen the grass from my garden," said the man looking forlorn.
Where do fish wash? In a river basin.
Cows love music. In fact, they even have a favourite note: beef flat.
Me and my friends are in a band called “Duvet”.
We’re a cover band.
My dentist says I don't brush enough but hey-
We all have our floss.
What do you call the greatest cheese to every live on the earth? Legen-dairy!
What's in a honeymoon salad?
Lettuce alone
What is a cat’s favorite book? The Princess and the Paw-per.
I have a butcher friend in London. Last week he caught a huge sea creature in the river there and made it into sausage. It was the beast of Thames. It was the wurst of Thames.
A fruit was madly in love, it was peachy–keen.
It was pretty foggy outside today.
I shot an arrow in the air, and it stuck.
What do you get when you cross a bee and a sheep?
A bah-humbug.
Why did the vampire strike out?
He used the wrong bat.
How do you know that it's too cold outside for a picnic?
You chip your tooth on the soup.
You’re right up my alley.
What is a deer’s favorite after-school snack?
“Doe-nuts.”
I booked an appointment at the orthopedist for my whole family.
We got joint problems.
What month does every tree dread? Sept-timmmberrr!
You’re as sweet as Pi.
What reassuring advice did the meninges give to the brain?
"Don't worry, I've got you covered."
Why do people sing in the shower?
Because the audience in the toilet is sh**!
Why are elephants scared of computers?
Because of the mouse.
If only I could grow green stuff in my garden like I can in my refrigerator.
Black background, brown background, black background, brown background, black background, brown background.
I’ll never leaf you.
I’m not lion when I say you’re my mane.
What do you call a pastor who wanders from town to town, looking for leafy green vegetables?
A romaine Catholic priest.
What song does a painter sing when he is in truly dire straits? Monet for Nothing.
Why did the tiger visit the eye specialist after dropping a can of red paint on himself? He saw red.
We've been driving all day, I need a brake.
My suitcase started crying when I picked it up. I was carrying emotional baggage.
If you walk along a railroad track you may soon feel run down.
Which vegetable is the most qualified?
Qualiflower.
I eat a ton of corn everyday.
I guess that makes me a cornivore.
A man started wearing a blanket to the office.
His colleagues began to suspect he was working undercover...
My wife asked if I knew how to turn on the dishwasher.
I told her I would some flirty compliments.
I highly encourage you to have more brain farts
It develops mental fartitude.
Why was the old computer sad?
Because it had a floppy disk.
Why did the pumpkin cross the road? It fell off the wagon!
What is the collective noun for Ghosts? Team spirit.
What is the color of the wind? Blew!
What do you call a catholic toaster strudel?
A pope tart.
Why should you you stand on the service line? So that you can order ice cream.
Did you hear what the foolish gardener did?
He planted a light bulb and thought he'd get a power plant.
What is Frankenstein’s favorite cheese?
Muenster.
Our backstage manager is leaving at the end of the year. He has been an outstanding member of our theatre team.
Props to him.
When should you go on a cheese diet? If you need to cheddar a few pounds
Tea pun-packed poem for my mum's birthday card
It’s been oolong time since my mum was born,
About Six-tea years to date,
Chai as you might, you can’t possible list,
her cupious amazing traits
Her balanced demeanour
Her Kindness and (earl) grace,
rooibost sense of humour,
too many to name in this teany space,
to pekoe out just a few does not do her justice,
let’s not stir things up and cause more of a ruckus,
While this ode may be (chamo)miles away from a Maya Angelou,
It’s just an obnoxious way to say how very matcha I love you.
Werewolves love similes and metafurs.
The sheep says to the shepherd "you're an jerk and I hate you!" and the shepherd says "Say what?"
And the sheep goes "You herd me!"
When do vampires like horse racing?
When it's neck and neck.
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