My sister asked me to hand her lipstick but i handed her a glue stick instead
She still won’t talk to me
Which knight is the protector of foods?
Sir Anwrap
The two slices of bread decided to leave the bakery. I heard that they wanted to grow mold together.
What did one tectonic plate say to the other when they bumped into each other?
Sorry, that was my fault.
Just burned 2,000 calories.
That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
What did the zombie get when she was late to dinner?
The cold shoulder.
There was a terrible fire at the shoe factory today...
Over a million soles were lost.
Why did the peach think he was a pear for a while? He was feeling awfully green at first, but eventually his face became red.
What does a mountain often do at its daily meal? It avalunch.
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl using the bathroom? Because the 'p' is silent
What do ghosts and monsters drink after scaring people?
Ghoul-Aid.
What kind of birds do skeletons like?
Sea skulls.
Which monster did the three bears catch sleeping?
Ghouldilocks!
My wife and I went to a turtle pun class yesterday.
It tortoise nothing.
Why did the hipster throw away his calculus book?
He found it too derivative.
Don't even chai.
What do whales do when they get angry?
They blow up and then let off steam.
Why did the strawberry get bruised? Because it was under pear pressure.
I felt so guilty after I stepped on a snail this morning. You should of seen him, he looked genuinely crushed.
I'm going to discuss global warming on Sunday at a debate. It's a very heated topic.
Why did the cow and the bull become so close? Because they became beef-friends.
How heavy is a rainbow? It's actually pretty light.
Where do parrots get away on holiday? To the beak!
What is it called when two spies hug?
A bond-ing moment.
I think my window air conditioner needs an ambulance.
It keeps hyperventilating.
Why did the fruit bat eat the orange?
“Because it had appeal.”
What did the cheese say after escaping the mouse? I'm Brieeee!
What do baseball players eat at White Castle?
Sliders.
What if someone made raisins with juice in them
That would be grape.
How do you get a mouse to smile? Say cheese!
How do elephants bathe?
With their trunks on.
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna1, Anna2
What football team do energy providers root for the most?
The Chargers.
What did the lipstick say after he let down his friend?
I’ll make it up to you.
The beavers avoid going deep-diving now. They saw one beaver hitting rock bottom.
The artist was great. He could always draw a crowd.
My Buddhist friend just gave me a “Nirvana” scented perfume.
It smells like Teen Spirit.
Doctor said I’m at risk of having a heart attack due to high sodium intake.
I took what he said with a grain of salt.
Why shouldn’t you drive with a vampire?
He will drive you batty.
What is the study of real estate? Homology
What did E.Ts mother say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
Why does everyone want ice cream to be on their team?
Because with them, anything is popsicle.
KFC have hired geneticists to edit chicken DNA
Apparently they want something CRISPR.
What do you call an illegally parked frog?
Toad.
Did you hear about the guy who got a metal jaw replacement?
I think he just did it for a tin chin.
What do you say when you are happy with how life has been weeks before Easter? It’s so far been an egg-cellent spring.
A ghost's favourite pie flavour is boo-berry.
"Do you know how long it takes for a bomb to explode?"
No, but dynamite!
A dragon would never explode
But a dino might.
What do you call a guy with an ear fetish.
Hard for hearing.
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