What is the hardest part about being a tree? You have so many limbs, but you still can’t walk.
Where do bad jokes about skeletons belong?
In the skelebin.
I saw a cow on fire ther dayand so I put it out.
Guess you could call it a rare experience.
The worst type of criminal is he who mugs other people's coffee.
What do you call a skeleton with a mask and a knife? A heartless killer.
My friend sailed his yacht into the wharf very rapidly, crashing into the dock and causing a dent in the hull.
It's just a berth mark, he swears.
Where do elves vote?
The North Poll.
Did you hear about the psychic hermit crab?
Makes shell-fulfilling prophecies.
What's the difference between a high-hit baseball and a maggot's father?
One is a pop fly and the other is a fly pop.
I was surprised that although I was supposed to be feeling blue, my heart was not that heavy. Perhaps, I am feeling light blue.
What do you call a rock that never goes to school?
A skipping stone!
What did the shark say to the whale?
What are you blubbering about?
What do you get when you cross a Tambourine with a Submarine?
The Salvation Navy
Two rocks at the bottom of a mountain. First rock: Avalanche!
Second rock: Ha! I'm not gonna fall for that again!
Did you hear about the conductor who was arrested for inciting violins?
They strung him up, but he didn't fret.
I got a new cell phone for my wife...
Pretty awesome trade if you ask me!
Q. Which dinosaur species has deep blue-green feathers?
A. Teal-Rex.
I burnt my Hawaiian pizza.
I should have used aloha temperature.
Cherries are actually great at a lot of different sports. Their favorite one, in case you were wondering, is archerry.
Why did the orange go out with a prune? He couldn’t find a date.
What group of people always had the highest cell phone bills?
The Romans.
I hope these Halloween puns don't drive you batty.
Q: What’s the fastest way to make a skeleton?
A: Put a leper in a wind tunnel
I was going to tell you a joke about an egg but it's not all it's cracked up to be.
The viking Rudolph the Red looked outside and proclaimed it was going to rain.
His wife asked him, “What makes you say that?”
He replied, “Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.”
Why does it take so long to shave a giant sheep with normal-sized clippers?
Shear size.
Hundreds of chickpeas were found dead the other day. The police say it's a hummuside.
What does a mermaid say when she was leaving the party?
- Sea ya later.
Did you hear that Mexicans created a machine that dispenses fish?
They call it a pez dispenser.
If your girlfriend/wife ever gets you a gladiator uniform, it's a pretty good sign.
She wants you to be more Roman-tic.
did you hear the one about the sheep in car wreck?
it was baaad.
Why do fluorescent lights hum? Because they can’t remember the words.”
Why did the pig break up with her boyfriend?
Because he was a boar.
What do you call a rifle that shoots salt?
A salt rifle.
Why was the gnome just standing over his lawnmower and crying?
Because he hit a rough patch.
What's the difference between and Buffalo and a Bison?
You can't wash your face in a Buffalo.
Did you hear the gardener's joke about the old oak tree?
It's acorny one!
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said
"You know, one would have been enough."
It’s Fall coming back to me now.
Lightning never strikes coffee in its bean form.
Only when it's ground.
What did the orange say before jumping into the juicer?
“The zest is yet to come!”
Lost my bread knife the other day..
I'm absolutely gutted...we've been through thick and thin
Are you a big fan of beef? I am. In fact, I could eat it until the cows come home.
You know those silly hacker movies where they're hacking so hard they type on two keyboards at once?
Such blatant stereo-typing
Why do words and punctuation end up in court? To be sentenced.
Who is the corniest baseball player of all time?
Ty Cobb!
What is a polar bear’s favorite food?
Iceberg lettuce and snow peas.
My children got their good looks from their mother.
I kept mine.
When I went to highschool in Italy my classmates were one year older than me.
I Skipped pasta grade.
Why do travel nurses and boxers get along?
They know how to stick and move.
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