I wasn’t sure if I ordered enough tacos from Taco Bell.
So I got a just in quesadilla.
Why was the ketchup feeling bad?
Because it had the squirts.
Huge explosion at the hair brush factory...
Investigators are still combing through the wreckage.
What is worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxis.
What do you call an American Bee?
A USB.
What do you call a woman who sets fire to all her bills ?
Bernadette.
What did the Power Ranger say after being sent to the hospital?
It's morphine time.
What happened when rockers couldn't get their favorite dessert? Rage against the Broken Ice Cream Machine.
What do you do when you are in the wrong seat?
Stand corrected
Being in love is a lot like central heating in your home.
You turn it on just before your guests come over and pretend that your house is always like this.
How do recreational league baseball players stay so cool?
They sit among their fans.
I tried finding the dairy factory last night, but I had no luck. I must have lost my whey.
Why did Oreo go to the dentist? …
Because he lost his filling!
What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven? Angel food cake, of course!
Dad, do you like baked apples? Yes son, why? The orchard's on fire.
Why do medieval ghosts refuse to stop at McDonald's?
They prefer Wight Castle.
What do you call it when it rains ducks and geese?
Fowl weather.
What do the lady pigs say when someone leaves the toilet seat up? “Hoof-orgot to put the seat down?"
What does a horse do when it smells rotten seafood?
It scallops outta there.
Why was the guy looking for fast food on his friend? Because his friend said dinner is on me.
Where do beavers keep their money? Well, they keep it in the riverbank.
I saw a fruit running from the police recently
It was a water felon.
How do koalas stay in shape? They do bearobics.
If you want to ask someone to borrow their peas, you have to say pea-lease.
Scientists have discovered what is believed to be the world's largest bed sheet.
More on this story, as it unfolds.
How does a 20-something pig hit on someone?
They invite them over to Netflix and swill.
All farts...are laughing gas.
I had a job repairing 17th century violins...
I only fixed instruments that were BAROQUE.
Why was the ocean angry? Because the ocean didn't wave back.
I found out yesterday that the Mexican dish ghosts like the most is a boo-ritto.
That’s a bit mulch.
Why Don't Gymnasts Use Towels?
Cause they dumbbell dry.
Before I became a dad, I was terrified I wouldn't know how to be a good one. Oddly enough, it turns out, it's in my blood - I come from a long line of fathers.
What’s a horse’s favorite dinosaur?
The broncosaurus.
What do you call an onion that keeps on jumping up and down? You call it a spring onion!
Why did the old man hate living next to the tennis courts?
He couldn't stand all the racket!
Did you hear about the woman who complained about her rabbit stew? She said there was a hare in her soup.
What is the lightest house a real estate seller sells?
A lighthouse, of course!
What key on the keyboard is truly out of this world?
The spacebar.
How did the cheese get such curly hair?
It got a permasan.
How come an owl turns his cell phone off at night? So he doesn't get any hooty calls.
What do you call a sketchy looking Bigfoot?
A Susquatch.
Who is the most powerful potato? Darth Tater.
Two days ago, I named my Wifi to "Hack it if you can".
Yesterday it was changed to "Challenge accepted".
My lifeguard friend had come back home and wanted to do some work, so I gave him my computer to use. Now I have a screen-saver at my house.
Kangaroo: [dials 9-1-1] I can’t find my kids!
9-1-1: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: [pats pouch] Oh… nevermind.
I've just been to court accused of sniffing the skins of vegetables and fruits.
I got off on a peel.
What happened when the ice monster had a furious row with Frankenstein?
He gave him the cold shoulder!
Where did the onion find his family history?
In the archives
What do you call a grumpy and short-tempered gardener?
A Snapdragon.
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