Why do penguins carry fish in their beaks?
Because they don’t have any pockets.
What made the truck driver finally stop farting?
He ran out of gas.
“How do the elves clean Santa’s sleigh on the day after Christmas? They use Santa-tizer!”
Why was the bouncy castle so expensive? Due to the cost of inflation.
What do you call a rental car in Spain?
A Barceloaner.
Why does nobody invite Jupiter to the space parties? Because he has too much gas, always…
Why did the old man hate living next to the tennis courts?
He couldn't stand all the racket!
How do ghosts take their eggs? Terri-fried.
How did the kittens express their love for each other? In Holy Catrimony
Why don’t cars enjoy long drives?
They find them a drag.
What’s black and white and goes up and down?
A panda who’s stuck in a lift.
I'd give me right arm to be ambidextrous!
What stat do the Miami Dolphins lead every single year?
All Porpoise Yardage!
Q: Why do peas dislike noisy eaters?
A: Because they want peas and quiet.
Why did the monkey like the banana?
Because it had appeal.
What do aliens prefer to drink?
Gravi-tea.
How do you trap a drum kit?
Use a snare
In exactly 3030 years, there's a chance things could be really good, and theres a chance things could be really bad.
I guess it will be 5050.
What's a bee's favorite novel?
The Great Gats-Bee
What did the Italian marine Biologist say when asked to identify an eel?
That's a moray!
I love eating glow worms
Especially as a light snack
My grandpa left me a violin and an oil painting in his will.
When I took them to be valued, I was told that they were by Van Gogh and Stradivarius. Sadly they were worthless as Van Gogh was rubbish at making violins and Stradivarius was an awful painter.
How can you tell the difference between a monster and a banana? Try picking it up. If you can't, it's either a monster or a giant banana.
What do you call a woman standing in the middle of a tennis court?
Anette.
If fish is brain food, what do dumb people eat? Noodle soup.
Q: What was the pharaoh's favorite football team?
A: The Mummy Dolphins
Where do flowers recharge? At a power plant!
While rainbows must be many colors, they should always stay blue to themselves.
Why didn’t the skeleton feel like patching up his broken ribcage?
His heart wasn’t in it.
What do you call a kid who wants to cannibalise his siblings?
A munchkin.
Why did Frankenstein’s monster go to a psychiatrist?
He thought he had a screw loose.
Witch you were here.
The word Gnome is a corruption of the Latin word Genomus or earth dweller.
In other words, it's a misgnomer.
What does a ghoul say when they wake up?
Gaaarrrh I love the smell of ghoul in the morning!
What happened when the koala tripped and fell in a crowded restaurant? He got embearassed.
How are zombies like computers?
They use mega-bites!
What’s the difference between a violin and a fiddle?
One has strings and the other has strangs.
Have you ever heard of mushroom cars? Well, they have an interesting sound which goes line shroom shroom!
The success in this sport is not how you bowl, but how you roll.
“Halloween” = an excuse for girls to dress up like sluts.
If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
Pilgrims.
A cow usually prefers to eat moo-sli for breakfast.
With the kind of weather, it was almost certain that the bride-to-be would get a hoarse throat as she walked through the rain into her bridal shower.
Who’s at the door?
It’s snowbody.
What does an ice cream lawyer say?
You got served.
Why did Frankenstein turn to solar?
For the free charge.
Why should you never tell jokes about radon, cobalt and yttrium? They are just too CoRnY.
What’s the most supportive beer?
Root beer.
What did E.T.'s father say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
That wide loaf has a decent bread-th. Nice.
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