Have you heard about the Italian Bigfoot?
The spag-yeti.
What’s the coldest fish in the sea?
A blue whale!
"I'm dyeing to know what's up."
Why did Princess Leia lose all her friends and family?
She got involved with Alderaan people.
What was the light bulb’s occupation?
He was a conductor
Too bad, if only I’d gnome!
What did the watermelon wife say to his stinky husband? You’ve got a strange smelon you today.
A stoner, a Jedi and a surgeon walk into a bar.
Blunt force trauma.
If you're wondering if someone's become a vampire, there's an easy way to tell. A true vampire is always coffin.
What is a cat’s favorite Tom Hanks character? Furrest Gump.
What is a car’s favourite film?
Taxi.
No! You can't force me to shave my forearms!
I have a right to bear arms!
What do you call a frog with no back legs?
Unhoppy.
Two meth heads start a relationship, is that considered speed dating
or just mething around?
I don’t always like to tell dwarf jokes. But when I do, I like to keep them short.
Why are there no penguins in Britain?
Because they’re afraid of Wales.
Why are popsicles so snobby?
They have a stick up their butt.
What do you get when you cross an alligator and a poison frog?
A croakadile.
Why did the banana go to the doctor?
It wasn’t PEELING well.
King Arthur's Round Table was built by Sir Cumference.
In an attempt to deter computer hackers I've changed all my passwords to 'Brazil Nut'
That will be a hard one to crack.
At What Time Does A Duck Wake Up?
At the quack of dawn.
What do strawberries wear to bed?
Jammies!
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros?
Eleph-ino! (Sounds like "Hell if I know!")
What do you call an ant who won’t go away?
Perman-ant.
“How was your day? ” “It was tater-ible”
Did you hear about the boat dock that committed murder?
He’s going to be judged by a jury of its piers.
What kind of horse do you ride after dark?
A night mare.
My wife was describing the pair of Toucans the zoo recently acquired.
I responded "You mean a four-can?"
A plate of sandwiches walks into a bar. The barman says “we don’t serve food”.
You know what really bugs me?
Insect puns.
Not everyone looks good with a wig
But I think you could really pull it off.
When the elves are clapping for their boss, we call it Santapplause.
There was a weird Crab
Whenever he used to walk, his claws used to make a ta-ta-ta-ta sound.
Why had the beaver left the pond? He thought it was too shallow.
The pancake thought he was the best breakfast food because nobody stacked up to him.
What’s black and white and as hard as a rock?
A panda that’s fallen in cement.
Dogs can’t operate an MRI machine… but catscan.
This Halloween I'm gourd out of my mind!
Why was the dog such a good storyteller?
Because he knew how to paws for dramatic effect.
How do you get a mouse to smile? Say cheese!
What makes politicians and planets similar?
They both take up space.
What did the baby deer say to his friend?
“I’m so fawn-d of you!”
What did the rainbow say to the other rainbow? Nothing, it was feeling blue.
What do you get if you cross a pumpkin with a bigfoot?
A Sasquash.
Poured beer over my garden before planting the lawn. I hoped the grass would come up half cut.
What’s a potatoes favorite horror movie? The Silence of the Yams.
Why did the parrot cross the road? Just beak-ause!
They say that she only paints night scenes. Other artists really pale by comparison.
Swimming pools are just chlorified bathtubs...
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