One-one was a race horse.
Two-two was one too.
One-one won one race.
Two-two won one too.
What's it called when a perfume climbs up the stairs?
Ascent.
In a world that is full of apples, it is much better to be a pineapple.
Why did the Platanus occidentalis have to go to the doctor more than the other trees? Because it was always sycamore.
If your canoe turns upside down in the water, you can wear it on your head.
Because it’s capsized.
After playing guitar for years I thought I could learn to play the piano.
But it's not an easy instrument to pick up.
Volleyball is air affair. This would be a good motto for your team.
The local band stand was struck by lightening yesterday while the band was playing.
Only the conductor was hit.
What do you call a large colorful pile of leaves?
The Great Barrier Leaf.
What do birds give out on Halloween?
Tweets.
Why did the deer go to the spa?
“To doe off some steam!”
How can someone tell if a bee is on their phone? They'll get a buzzy signal.
What do you call a liquid kangaroo?
Marsoupial.
I know a good joke about Ikea furniture, but I'm still putting it together.
What did the skeleton say to the French soldier? Bone Jaw
What kind of photos do turtles take?
Shell-fies.
What do you get if you cross a wasp with a doorbell?
A hum-dinger!
Today I learned that a giraffe’s neck is so strong a human can climb up it.
Also, I got banned from my local zoo.
What do you call a reptile that works on a farm?
An irri-gator.
My dad was the top clown at the circus, but unfortunately he passed away.
I guess I have some pretty big shoes to fill.
The zombie worked for years to win this prize. He showed real dead-ication.
What's the difference between a peeping tom and somebody getting out of a bath?
One is rude and nosy, the other is nude and rosy.
How does Moses make coffee?
Hebrews it.
Why do bees hum?
Because they don't know the words.
What was the Vikings favorite song while invading England ?
Heathen flow by Pearl Jam
What happened to the zombie that made him visit the doctor? He had a crummy feeling.
How about the stylish female crocodile, she's every inch a frock-o-dile.
Which are the best mathematicians amongst the snake family?
The adders.
What bat was called an invader?
Bat-talina.
What do you call a large gorilla who appears to be in a bad mood?
Sir.
My friend said that he eats more than his brother.
I was more concerned by the fact that he eats his brother.
When I went to my favorite Irish cafe after years, I felt deja brew all over again.
Why don’t elephants use computers?
Because they’re afraid of the mouse.
Why do astronomers put beef in their shampoo?
For meatier showers.
One bowl of soup said to the other, "Hello Broth-er".
Did you know that the soldiers at Arlington salute their new Jack-o-Lanterns every Halloween?
They always honor the changing of the Gourd.
An overworked elf walks into a bar the day before Christmas and orders a beer. "Hey look, everyone! It's an elf!" the bartender exclaims. "I'm sorry, but that phrase is now insensitive and politically incorrect," the elf says. "We prefer to be called subordinate clauses."
What made the truck driver finally stop farting?
He ran out of gas.
What do Spanish phantoms say when they like something?
me ghosta.
On which day do tiger eat people?
Chewsday
What do winged horses attend in school? Pegclasses.
What did one cheddar cheese say to the other cheddar cheese at prom?
Looking sharp!
Why did the penguin cross the road twice?
To prove he wasn’t chicken.
Why are frogs good at baseball?
Because they catch a lot of fly balls.
What did the fruit lover say after he met a girl?
I’ve got a date
Why didn't the watermelon marry the strawberry?
They cantaloupe.
Why did the manager hire the marsupial? Because he was koala-fied.
What do you call a mouse that doesn’t eat, drink, or even walk?
A computer mouse.
“Oh, deer! Christmas is here!”
Did all Europeans give Native Americans smallpox on purpose?
Or is that a blanket statement?
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