What do chess players from the Czech Republic call their friends?
Czech-mates.
What was Beethoven’s favourite fruit?
BA-NA-NA-NAAAAAA... BA-NA-NA-NAAAAAA...
How did Reese eat her ice cream? Witherspoon.
What does the Yeti do when he is tired?
Himalaya down.
Why are there fish at the bottom of the sea?
Because they dropped out of school.
Q. Will a sensible stag do something dangerous to impress a doe?
A. No, not even on a deer.
I’ve been selected to hide eggs in my town’s big Easter festival next year!
This is an eggs-hiding opportunity!
What do you call a werewolf who doesn't know he's a werewolf ?
Unawarewolf.
Why did the ski instructor's love life always go downhill? The first thing the ladies noticed about him was his giant slalom.
Who put the Howl in Halloween?
Not ghouls just the people they ate!
What kind of hotdogs do ghouls like best?
Halloweiners!
What’s a monster’s favorite play? Romeo and Ghouliet.
I wouldn't say I liked the documentary that I had watched on the history of WD-40. It was non-friction.
How does Juliet maintain a constant body temperature? Romeostasis.
Which bus went from Spain to America?
Columbus.
A wise saying among werewolves: Chasing your tail will not make ends meet.
Why couldn’t Jonah trust the ocean?
Because he knew there was something fishy about it.
Winter does not arrive until the ice is in the compost heap. Spring does not arrive until the ice is out of the compost.
Who’s the arch-enemy of the Gsus chord?
The Dmin chord.
I have no idea what I'm doing with eyeliner
To be honest, I just wing it.
What do gnome standup comedians call a tiny pun?
Puny.
What do you call a horse that lives next door to you?
A neigh-bor.
What do bees chew?
Bubmble gum.
I can't imagine the stress put on the workers in trying to figure out the newest flu vaccine...
It probably puts a strain on the staff.
Why was fog kicked off the football team? He mist a field goal.
A mosquito was trying to land on my arm.
I shook it and said:
"Not on my watch."
What does the mummy parrot say to her baby? Beak-areful!
What do you call a cow in a rooster costume? Roost beef.
What's the best way to get King Kong to sit up and beg? Wave a two-ton banana in front of his nose.
What is the fastest fish in the water? A motopike
What do you get if cross a baseball player and a monster?
A double header.
I'm a fairy.
My name's Nuff. Fair enough.
Where do electricians get their supplies? The Ohm Depot.
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a water hose?
Hare spray.
What do oranges like to listen to?
Musical com-peel-ations.
Did you hear the gardener's joke about the old oak tree?
It's acorny one!
Why are leaves always getting into risky business? They keep having to go out on a limb.
Are you a drum? Because my heart beats for you.
A man called his twin brother from prison
“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”
How do you tell the difference between a violinist and a dog?
The dog knows when to stop scratching.
I hate how funerals are always at 9 a.m. I’m not really a mourning person.
He’s an elf-made man.
Why did the crazy man lose his job at the dairy factory? He was a danger to himself and udders.
Why these days, the Moon is up till so late? Don’t worry, it is just going through a phase.
What's so special about twitter alphabet soup? It only has 140 letters.
I think I'm getting curvature of the spine...
I haven't seen a doctor yet, it's just a hunch.
What kind of chocolate do they sell at the airport?
Plane chocolate
Had to replace all the bulbs in the side table lamps. Then I had to replace the ones in my ceiling fan.
That was the highlight of my day.
Never believe minotaurs...
Half of everything they say is bull.
What kind of cookies do vulcans love? Spockolate chips.
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