Don't ignite your friends from behind, even if it's just a prank.
It will back fire for sure.
Why was the medieval architect always going to the beaches? So that he could build the perfect sandcastle!
I went fishing in the ocean the other day and caught one fish
but I think it was just a fluke.
What kind of bears dissolve in water?
Polar bears.
I would like to take a moment and thank my eyeballs.
Thanks for looking out for me.
What did the scientist say when he found 2 isotopes of helium?
"HeHe."
What do you call a pianist who throws trash everywhere?
Litterachi.
How does a rainbow greet the other weathers? With a yellow of course!
My wife was just recently diagnosed with colorectal cancer and now has surgery scheduled to remove a couple of inches of her colon. I expect her grammar will improve as a result.
Because she's going to have to learn how to use a semicolon.
Why do beavers make the best neighbors?
Because they mind their own dam business.
When she saw all the madness around her, March said, “what’s all that bracket”.
They say that you can spike a volleyball. But you can never take away its dig-nity.
A prankster played a really dark and dim-witted joke at the theatre. He turned off the lights.
When you’re smooching with your honey, and your nose is kinda runny, you may think it’s kinda funny, but it snot.
Fall arrives, and all hell bakes loose.
The tree got so tired of fighting with autumn, that he said, "Enough is enough! I'm leaf-ing".
Dear Turkey, don't worry... they only love us for our breasts too. Sincerely, all women.
Have you seen Jake’s new custom trumpet? Yeah, that’s quite a unique horn, I’d know it anywhere.
What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A “hollow dog."
De-coffin-ated coffee is the favourite coffee of the mummy.
What do you call the people that you eat grass and produce milk alongside?
Cow-workers!
How can you make a computer system cry? Delete his cookies.
How can we tell the difference between a can of beef soup and a can of pork soup? Just read the labels.
Which nut is worth the most?
A cash-ew.
I find that the quickest way to man's heart
is with a very very sharp knife.
How did the blind guy from Denver enjoy a bit of apres skiing on Lookout Mountain during the last white-out?
He brought along his skiing-eye dog.
What is a vampire who loves eating strawberry jam called? A jampire.
A classical musician bought a Stradivari violin
Now he is quite Baroque.
Fresh fried fish,
Fish fresh fried,
Fried fish fresh,
Fish fried fresh.
I’d like to throw away my old can, but my pusher friend here says he loves junk balls.
When does a medieval soldier sleep?
Knight time
"Hi, I'm Buzz Aldrin. Second person to step on the moon.
Neil before me."
What kind of shark is always gambling?
A card shark.
I spilled some acid on my aluminum fork and it dissolved…
but I didn’t mean to! It was an oxidant.
After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."
What’s a whale’s favorite meal?
Fish and ships.
Easter and April Fools fall on the same day this year...
You could say it only happens once in a blue moon.
Peaches tend to be really mean. After all, they have hearts of stone.
I always find artists romantic because when they love you, they do it with all their art.
Do you know what is the most favourite fruit in the United States? – Mmm peach!
What did the LEFT Stereo Speaker say to the RIGHT, as he was being taken away for repairs
AUDIOS!
Why can't college professors take exams at a zoo? Because there are too many cheetahs.
Which city do hamsters live in?
Hamsterdam.
What do you call a singing laptop?
A Dell.
Invest in grills!
They're hot steakholders!
I got some salt in my eye
Now it’s see salt.
The student asked the teacher, “Cashew a question?”, and the teacher replied, “Nut now”.
I walked into my sister's room and tripped on a bra... It was a booby trap.
We Rodin a taxi around the city after dark.
Looking for a boyfriend in engineering: the odds are good, but the goods are odd.
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