Q: Why is there so much wind inside a sports arena?
A: Because of all the fans.
I finally realized why trees don’t have teeth.
Turns out, they’re all bark and no bite.
What happened to the wooden car with a wooden engine and wheels? It wooden go at all.
What do you call an onion who decides to be very eco-friendly in its approach? You name it a green onion.
Do you know what you call it when you place beef between two slices of bread? You get a bull-only sandwich.
Which type of nut goes to outer space?
An astro-nut
When a man went to the doctor to get rid of the strawberry that was growing out of his head, the doctor told him, "Don't worry. I'll give you some cream for that".
I was on the way to the gorcer when I remembered, I need to put toothpaste on the grocery list.
My dad said, "Don't do that! It'll be all messy!"
I love you dairy much.
Where does Snowy the snow man hide his money?
In a snow bank.
Please excuse my resting beach face.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
I eat eel while you peel eel
What happened when Frankenstein’s monster first met his girlfriend?
It was love at first fright.
What should you get Lassie, the star of the hit TV show, for Valentine's Day?
A cauliflower.
What do you call a dinosaur who is elected to Congress? Rep. Tile!
What is a frog’s favorite drink on a hot summer day?
Croak-o-cola.
A mean crook going down stairs = A condescending con, descending
I recently went to a soft fruit party, where all the food was berry based. It was cherrific.
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
None because it's a hardware issue.
The barman in the pub looked over at me said, "Your glass is empty. Fancy another one?" "
Why would I want two empty glasses?" I asked
What do you call a stolen jar?
A free mason.
Why shouldn’t you go into business with a watermelon?
“They’re seedy.”
My Ph.D thesis was on cattle raised in the Roman city of Pompeii. To understand it all I had to visit the ancient mooins.
Q: Why couldn’t the boy keep his documents open when he left a window open in winter?
A: Because it was too Win+D
When doing laundry, the mother wolf accidentally fell into the washing machine. It became a wash and wearwolf.
You’re my heartthrob.
St. Patrick’s is all about the pursuit of hoppiness!
I almost got in trouble because I tried to talk to someone in the same room as me over the phone...
...It was a close call.
A skeleton walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer and a mop.
A woman tried to order an exotic snake online, but was surprised to find that when the package arrived, it contained only feathered scarves.
How do you know the tooth fairy is a journalist?
They're always searching for the tooth.
I started watching soccer because I could see it’s very relevant to my life.
Little to no goals.
A bear's least favorite pastry at any party is the blue bear-y pie.
Why didn’t the teacher want to fart in front of anyone?
He was a private tootor.
Why was the computer sad?
It was going un-node-iced.
There once was a koala who could run at a speed of more than 800 miles per hour. He was the first koala to break the sound bearier.
After trying out floss for the first time, I couldn't believe how nice it felt.
It truly was a breath of fresh air.
Seas the day!
What do you call a small Minotaur?
A Minitaur.
What do chemists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms?
A ferrous wheel.
Did you hear about the werewolf who got invited to the dance?
He really wanted to go, but the upcoming full moon was giving him paws.
I saw a beaver and I thought it was odd. Then I saw another semiaquatic creature and I thought it was otter.
If anyone has any advice for cosmetic surgery that’s gone terribly wrong...
My wife is all ears.
I got an email today saying I could win $10,000 in a fishing competition.
But I'm sure there's a catch involved somewhere.
I always invite the mushroom to my party because he is such a fun-guy.
What did the energy company’s CEO credit her success to?
A series of strategic power moves.
Two hot dogs were having a race. One overtook the other, who called out “I see you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup with me!”
Sitting near the fireplace is just like a whole bunch of bees...
'swarm
What does a bee do when it is extremely hot?
It takes off its yellow jacket!
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