What happened to the pineapple who was turned down for a date? Crushed pineapple.
Why didn’t the light rain hit the target?
It just mist.
Why did the dog go to university? To get a pe-digree.
We ran out of laundry detergent today and had to open up a new one.
It was a changing of the Tide.
What did the shark say to the whale?
What are you blubbering about?
What’s a glow worms favourite song?
Wake me up before you glow glow!
My favourite piece in chess is the rook
It is the most straight-forward.
I took the recent snow warnings with a pinch of salt.
I telephoned the tennis star Serena Williams for an interview and asked her, “What’s your favourite planet?”
Her: It’s Venus.
Me: Sorry Venus, would you put Serena on the phone?
Did you know the first weather report was delivered to Julius Caesar?
Hail Caesar
You're my romeboy.
Why will you never see a realtor reading books?
Because books only have page numbers!
I was talking to my friend and he asked me, “As a young boy was your mom strict with you?” I told him, “To be honest,...
“...my mother was never a young boy.”
Did you hear about the cell phone that got arrested?
It was charged with battery.
Through three cheese trees three free fleas flew.
While these fleas flew, freezy breeze blew.
Freezy breeze made these three trees freeze.
Freezy trees made these trees' cheese freeze.
That's what made these three free fleas sneeze.
Did you hear about the farmer who sold his sheep to slaughter because he wasn't making enough money from the wool? The situation went from baa-d to wurst!
When the pitch is flooded, soccer players can still go on. They just need to bring on their subs.
What do you call a drunk person fumbling with their car keys?
A taxi
What did the police officer say to the hand?
Stop! You are under a wrist!
What kind of pictures do elves love to paint?
Elf-portraits!
It’s raining cats and dogs today - I just hope it doesn’t rain deer!
What did the sign in the Egyptian funeral home say?
"Satisfaction guaranteed or double your mummy back"
What is the difference between pea soup and roast beef? Everyone would roast beef.
Me: I have an appointment to see the doctor.
Nurse: which doctor?
Me: No, just the regular one
What sort of ball doesn’t bounce?
A snowball!
The stormy weather affected my ability to remember my alphabets. I remember A, B, C, D, and F but I misty.Someone got hurt from a fistful of grass thrown at them with force. When they pressed charges, the cops charged the culprit with physical grass-ault.
Why do words and punctuation end up in court? To be sentenced.
Why was the backstroke done by the squirrel?
“The squirrel preferred to maintain his nuts dry.”
What did the marathoner do after he won the race?
He decided to go into politics and run for office.
Being a soprano is a great opera tunity.
How do astronauts prepare for a birthday party
They planet.
Paleontologists found the world's oldest toothbrush.
They believe it came from the Flossiraptor.
It was quite dangerous for messengers back in the medieval era.
They often had to wear mail armor.
What did Train say when they visited a sibling in South Korea?
Hey, Seoul Sister!
I followed my heart to you.
What did the minotaur say to the real estate agent?
- Amazing.
Someone just asked me to sing any line from "Don't go breaking my heart."
I couldn't if I tried.
My wife said she wants me to consider purchasing a decent telescope for the family to use.
I told her I’d look into it.
What did the artichoke say to the man eating a salad? Have a heart.
What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer?
A brick layer.
I knew a mathematician who couldn’t afford lunch.
He could binomial.
Just bought a vacuum cleaner, from a Buddhist selling them door to door. I should have known better..
It came with no attachments.
What’s the best place to do math homework?
On a multiplication table.
Why do skeletons hate the cold?
It sends chills up their spine.
There is nothing impaws-sible if you’re as brave as a tiger!
My wife hates the colour of her hair...
She's dyeing to change it.
What’s another name for a chess-nut? A nut who loves chess.
What’s a missionary’s favorite type of car?
A convertible.
I asked my buddy if he wanted to know what the word “the” was in Spanish. He expressed his disinterest and I responded with...
"Your los."
What did the sea say to the river? You can run but you can't tide.
Why did the skeleton go to the dance?
To see the boogie man.
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