The girls next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
But I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
I like big punts and I cannot lie
My son claims that he identifies as an ancient Greek string instrument.
Frankly, I think he's a lyre.
Why have a mer little when you can have a merlot?
When the wolf stood on the grape, the latter said nothing but let out a little bit of a wine.
It is a bad film because good ones tend to have created atop day-old soup.
What happened when the bear applied at the movie theater?
He was told he was not koala-fied.
What is a cat lover's favourite tree?
A juni-purr.
What hotel do cheese lover’s stay in?
The Stilton.
How to fish like to eat cereal?
In a fish bowl!
Please don’t joke about my eyeballs.
It’s a sensitive area.
When the ghost family got in their car, the dad ghost told the kids to fasten their sheet-belts.
I must say, my wife's cooking has really improved.
That was the best slice of soup I've ever had.
What kind of cheese do rodents like?
Mousearella.
Was going to change my password to MilkyTea but apparently that's too weak.
How is a dog and a marine biologist alike? One wags a tail and the other tags a whale.
Did you hear about the cloud who became king? He rained for years.
Wife dropped a jar of pickles upon opening the fridge; glass and pickle juice went all over the kitchen floor.
Me: Don't worry, it's not a big dill.
What did the WiFi router say when it was unplugged?
"Tell my wifi love her
Why can’t a car play football?
Because it only has one boot.
My kids say my cooking is incredible...
with a silent 'cr'
I woke up in the middle of the night and found all the blankets on my bed were missing.
I was scared sheetless.
I think if Rome hadn't been built on a hill...
..it wouldn't have had such a fast decline.
A Zebra said to a Lion “Let’s swap roles for a while."
The Lion said “ I’m game!”.
Deja moo:
That feeling you've heard this bull before.
I recently quit my job as a butler at a stately home.
I refuse to be ordered around in that manor.
What is the similarity between my wallet and an onion? Whenever I open both of them, I cry.
Ciabatta stay away from me because I don’t want naan of that. That’s one way to tell someone to keep away.
What helps a pirates hair grow?
Aaarrrgan oil.
Two hot dogs were having a race. One overtook the other, who called out “I see you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup with me!”
Which color is the fastest?
Red, because it is always redy.
Why did the chicken go to the zoo?
To get to the otter slide.
The crosseyed history teacher
Could not control her pupils.
Let me tell you about my grandfather. He was a good man, a brave man. He had the heart of a lion, and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
Why did the fairy play football?
Because she was fairy sportable!
What goes eek, eek, bang?
A mouse in a minefield!
What do you call a boat full of polite football players?
A good sportsman ship.
What did the dolphin say to the blue whale?
“Cheer up!”
Noticed the ladies' restroom door was missing the 'W'.
Told my daughter that sign was a bad omen
Time fries when you’re having fun!
My wife asked if I could clear the kitchen table.
I had to get a running start but I made it.
What's a horse's favorite sport?
Stable tennis.
He was showing off his new gaming gadget, "it has the latest peach recognition technology" he said.
Did you hear the one about the genius unicorn who aced every subject? Yeah, he was a real A corn.
I told my boyfriend I'd missed the bus.
He asked me what I was trying to hit it with.
My wife sent me an article about "sandpaper spouses..."
I told her she must be 2000 grit, 'cause she's FINE!
I only like smooth leather
and my opinion will never be suede.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? De-brie went everywhere!
The directions for my new dandruff shampoo are very confusing.
It's a real head-scratcher!
What do you call Chewbacca when you have chocolate stuck in your hair?
chocolate chip wookiee.
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