What should you do if you find a dinosaur in your bed ? Find somewhere else to sleep!
What do squirrels eat at the fair?
A-corn dog.
What is a strawberry's favorite music band? Pearl Jam.
My Wife is leaving me because of my obsession with cowboys
But that's ok this town ain't big enough for the both of us.
---
How does a german cowboy say hi?
Audi.
When I gave the wrong answer about Austrian composers in class, my teacher said, "Are you Schubert that?"
Silent Violin for Sale
No strings attached.
Why does a horse’s hair always look so good?
She mane-tains it.
What do you feed the son of god? Cheeses of Nazareth.
Why haven't the aliens visited earth yet?
They read the reviews... only one star.
Did you hear about the person who watched too many Shrek movies?
He ogre-dosed.
What eats nuts and bolts?
A squirrel that’s running late.
Why should you be cautious of a Finnish submarine captain?
He’ll sink ye.
Struggle with your Children's Math homework?
Apparently it's quite common in five out of every four homes.
Speed and Velocity are brothers.
Velocity has a family, is rich and teaches classes around the world.
Speed dropped out and still lives with his parents.
They think Speed lacks Direction.
Why did Santa stop smoking a pipe?
It was bad for his elf!
Q: What did the mummy say to the zombie?
A: Quit ragging me out!
What's the difference between Hanukkah and dragons?
One is eight nights while the other ate knights
I couldn't chair less!
Wayne went to Wales to watch walruses.
My communist grandparents hated each other, but still stayed married for more than 60 years.
It was a so-be-it union.
What cartoon do horses like to watch?
Whinny the Pooh.
How was the lepre-con caught?
By an under-clover police officer!
What do you use to brush a dead cat? A catacomb!
What do you call the dandruff found on unicorn manes? Horn flakes.
Who is the most powerful potato? Darth Tater.
What do drunk kangaroos play?
Hopscotch.
During our journey through the savanna grasslands, we kept track of time with the help of an hour-grass.
Cassini spacecraft took pictures of both Saturn and Earth. It was literally the best of both worlds.
My wife refused to go to a nude beach with me
I can't believe she is so clothes-minded.
Where does a baby monkey sleep?
In an apricot.
What food did the Gorilla order when he went to France?
Ape Suzettes.
What do you call a flamingo that flew into a wall?
A flamingstop.
What did the rock say to the word processor?
Boulder.
If fish is brain food, what do dumb people eat? Noodle soup.
Why did the giraffe graduate early?
He was head and shoulders above the rest of the class.
Where do horses live in Harry Potter?
Diagonal Alley.
What type of tool does a prehistoric reptile carpenter use? A dino-saw!
If H20 is water, then what is H204? It’s for drinking, washing and swimming, of course!
What kind of car does an electrician drive? A Volts-wagon.”
What is the executioner’s favorite vegetable?
A head of lettuce.
I made a fiddle from a squash yesterday...
... i think it's broken, it only plays gourd vibrations.
I was mad on the toilet this morning since I was running late, and I thought to myself...
I don’t have time for this crap!
What is a cat’s favorite state of America? Connecti-cat.
Where does the sun hide at night? Just keep looking for it, it'll dawn on you soon!
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
What is a blue whale’s favourite James Bond Film?
Licence to Krill.
How does a dog stop a TV show?
He presses paws!
What's the Difference Between Mechanical & Civil Engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons, civil engineers build targets.
What do you tell the nobles of Scandinavia whenever you're leaving their house?
Viking.
I stubbed my toe onto a piece of furniture. C-ouch!
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