What is a female "Douchebag" in France called??
A douche-baguette.
I've got no home, I haven't got control, and I can't see any escape.
I should get a new keyboard.
If Stu chews shoes, should Stu choose the shoes he chews?
Bonnie Tyler has released a video all about cardiology.
It’s totally clips of the heart.
I'd give me right arm to be ambidextrous!
Why is the tooth fairy so smart?
Because she has wisdom teeth!
How long have I loved you? I’ve lost track.
Basketball players at times get athletes foot. Come to think of it, it is like the missle toe astronauts get.
Wife is frying a lot of mushrooms in a tiny pan.
Me: Doesn't look like you have mushroom left in there.
All prominent werewolf movies are produced in howl-lywood.
The loveliest subject in schools History because it has so many dates.
What cars do zombies drive?
Monster trucks.
Lightning sometimes shocks people because it just doesn't know how to conduct itself.
What do hydras fear the most?
Dehydration!
Why did the freezer never graduate?
Because it was set on 0 degrees.
Ran out of toilet paper today. We’re now using lettuce leaves.
Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.
Spouses are like world wars.
You never refer to them as the "first" until there's a second.
How do playful monkeys go down the stairs?
They slide down the banana-ster!
What did the pear say to the other pear when they just got together?
It’s good to be a pair.
What is a Greek dog’s favorite dessert?
Barklava!
Two friends were hanging out. One asks the other: "Hey, do you know about the famous detective that can't do bowel movements?"
The other friend replies: "No sh** Sherlock, of course I do!"
What kind of whale can fly?
A Pilot whale.
Tony the tiger ate both of my grandmother's parents.
Tearfully, I asked him why. He just looked at me and said, "They're GREAT!"
Why did the Easter bunny fire the duck?
He kept quacking all the eggs.
Strawberries are considered to be the most bullied fruits because they're always getting picked on.
I asked the staff at my local garden center what to grow in my garden. They gave me some sage advice.
I'm taking indian cooking classes, because
I'm just so curryous about it.
Why did the orange get insurance?
Zest in case.
France gave perfumes to countries it dominated in the past...
That was classic Colognialism.
Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.
It's half empty.
What style of classical music do sheep most enjoy?
Baa-roque
She drank so much coffee at work, she considered it part of her daily grind.
What did the cake say to the fork? you want a piece of me?
Why did the potato wear socks?
To keep his pota-toes warm.
What happens when you buy a dog from the blacksmith?
When he gets home he’ll make a bolt for the door.
Did you hear the one about the geologist? He took his wife for granite so she left him.
I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers.
The Times are rough.
Stores are running out of toilet paper again.
They’re wiped out.
Q: What do you call a mummy who wins the lottery?
A: A lucky stiff
What's the difference between a cat and a complex sentence?
A cat has claws at the end of its paws and a complex sentence has a pause at the end of its clause.
Was arguing with a friend in a restaurant recently when the waiter ran over and took the plate of garlic bread and the coleslaw. I wish he’d stop taking sides.
Went on a walk today. Had a couple of crows following me around. I'm pretty sure I have the corvid.
What is a snake’s favorite TV show?
Monty Python.
I don't like clouds. They're always throwing shade.
One of the most courageous souls in the world is anybody who looks at a pineapple and thinks that “I bet I would eat it.”
What do you call an amazing day up a mountain? A peak experience.
What do you get when you cross a dog with a calculator?
A friend you can count on.
I was wondering why the Frisbee was getting bigger, then it hit me.
What did the poop shoveler say when he quit his job?
"I'm dung with this sh*t!"
Where do birch trees keep their jewelry? In the river bank.
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