What do you see when an elephant hides behind a tree?
The trunks
What is a phone's favorite TV show? Game of Phones.
When the peach pit farewell to his friend, he said, "See you later, peach out".
My writer buddy went to buy a new boat...
He named it Penman-Ship.
Wife: I’m sick and tired of your obsession with golf!
Husband: Why, is it driving a wedge between us?
Where do monkeys go to drink?
To the monkey bars.
When my father complained to my mother for never picking or dropping me at school, she looked at him and said, "You are the master of drag and drop, my love". He's an IT specialist...
The Covid-19 vaccine should be tested on politicians first...
If they survive, the vaccine is safe.
If they don't, the country is safe.
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Olive.
Olive, who?
Olive you, and I don’t care who knows it!
I love you with all my butt.
I would say my heart, but it is just not as big. (wink wink where my curvy booties at?!)
I got down on one knee and asked her if she'd be the mother to my kids, she said yes...
Guess who's gonna find a bunch of losers in a box tomorrow morning at their doorstep.
I gave my dad a mug for his birthday
It said "World's greatest dad". When I gave it to him he looked kind of insulted. Is something wrong with it I asked? He replied, "You spelled 'dad' backwards"
What do you call a frog hanging from the ceiling at Christmas?
Mistletoad.
What's red and has 7 dents in it?
Snow white's cherry!
What do you call a hippie's wife?
A Mississippi.
What do you call a horse running on a table?
A counter canter.
I had gradient expectations on him of being a good artist, but it was all in vain!
Why was the sapling crying to her mom? She said the big trees wouldn’t leaf her alone.
A zoo employee was injured when a monkey threw flaming poo at him.
He suffered from turd debris burns.
I used to hate the electric blanket.
But the last few nights I’ve been warming up to it.
I invented beach footwear for people with one leg.
It was a flop.
What did the cherry say to the cherry pie? I really crust you.
Why was the hard drive scared of the large file?
Because it was a terror-byte.
My office chair broke. It’s letting me down.
What type of wine is notorious for making you drowsy?
Sauvign-yawn blanc!
Hey, have you heard about....
A gladiator whose arms and legs been cut off in a fight? Well, I heard that he's been disarmed and defeated.
What is Santa's favorite breakfast food? Snow-flakes.
Why is grass so dangerous? Because it is full of blades!
I was trying to reshape the border of my backyard when my neighbors' fence fell over...
Wrong post.
Sigmund Freud used to always wear a piece of jewelry on his wrist...
It was an id bracelet.
I had a real problem when your mom got rid of that crooked chair my dad made.
I don't know why, it just never sat right with me.
When someone accidentally stepped on his foot, the wolf screamed, Aoooowwwww!
Just look, it’s the Trifle Tower
What’s a vampire bat’s favorite food?
I-scream!
How do you spot a car made by Apple?
It does not have Windows.
What does the ginger bread man put on his bed? A cookie sheet.
What do you call the least popular color in the rainbow? The weakest pink.
What do mosquitoes and relatives have in common?
They both share your blood.
What was the Romans' greatest achievement?
Learning to speak Latin!
Did you hear about the Wi-Fi wedding?
The ceremony was awful, but the reception was great!
Who has the best place on a sailing ship?
The mast, because it has the pole-position.
I was driving along the motorway one day when a truck in front of me shed its load of cabbage. Never slaw that coming.
I went to a restaurant and had a salad. Afterward, I got an intense pain in my stomach. I visited the doctor and he told me that I had grass-troentiritis.
What does a bookworm do during a baseball game? Worm the bench.
What do you call a chicken with a piece of lettuce in its eye? Chicken Caesar Salad
Why did one pineapple invite another to their party? Because they were real piner-pals.
There was this knight who would be always roasting whatever he would catch for food. Guess this is why he was known as the Bonfire Knight.
Once I got peas stuck in my ear. I had to make people re-pea-t themselves.
When the teacher got frustrated because the students weren't paying attention to the class about Isaac Newton, he exclaimed, "Don't you understand the gravity of this situation?"
What did Cinderella Dolphin lose?
Her glass flipper!
Did you hear how the zombie bodybuilder hurt his back?
He was dead lifting.
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