What did the deer say when she met her favorite celebrity?
“I’m a big fawn of your movies!”
What did the icy road say to the car?
“Want to go for a spin?”
What do you call a benzene ring where the iron atoms replacing all of the carbon atoms?
A ferrous wheel.
Why is the strawberry loved dearly by everyone? Because it is berry sweet.
Why was the parrot in prison? Because it was a jail-bird.
The female janitor at my office asked me if I would like to smoke some weed with her.
I said no. I can't deal with high maintenance women.
Wind turbine mechanics and engineers are very fond of the blew color!
What does a dog wear when it’s cold outside?
A pet-ticoat.
Librarians don't like drinking white wine. They prefer the well red ones!
How does an octopus go to war?
Well armed.
Why did Moses cross the Red Sea?
To get to the other side.
What do tigers sing at Christmas?
Jungle bells! Jungle bells!
What do you call an onion that is very valuable to jewelers? You call it a pearl onion.
I hate scuba diving.
It was the lowest moment of my life.
Q: What do you call a freezing bird?
A: Brrrrrrrrrdddd
What do you get when you put a saxophonist in a freezer?
Cool jazz.
If fish is a type of brain food, then dumb people probably love eating noodle soup.
The farmer called his prize cow a bull-dozer because she was always sound asleep in the fields.
Dublin over in laughter.
I've got a really good vegetable pun.
I’d tell you but I’m worried you’d think it’s too corny.
What kind of day ends with no toilet paper?
A bidet.
What can a whole orange do that half an orange can never do?
“Look round!”
Why did the T-Rex eat hamburgers? Because he is a meat eater!
The real estate in my neighborhood has become so expensive that only cats can afford it.
You need nine lives to pay it off.
On what radio station would you hear Bob Dill-on?
Vlasic rock.
How do you get a baby alien to sleep?
Rocket.
Q: What did the leaf say to the wind?
A: You really blew me away.
What does a real estate agent from Seychelles specialized in beachfront properties do?
She sells Seychelles by the seashore.
Why did the hipster burn his tongue? Because he drank his tea before it was cool.
Why did the mathematician work from home?
Because he could only function in his domain.
What do you call a lazy crayfish?
A slobster.
What streets do zombies live on?
Dead ends.
Why do dogs run in circles?
Because it’s hard to run in a square.
I don’t know who became more famous, Sir Francis Bacon or his son
Chris P. Bacon
A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity. So, I returned it to the store.
They gave me another one free of charge.
Big black bugs bleed blue black blood but baby black bugs bleed blue blood.
Why did the Easter bunny fire the duck?
He kept quacking all the eggs.
What side of the tree contains the most leaves? The outside, of course.
What do beavers like to put on their salads?
Branch dressing.
How did the small oven greet the large oven?
He Microwaved.
Was going to change my password to MilkyTea but apparently that's too weak.
Ideally, the cost of a bowling game should be ten pinnies. However, with inflation, the price always goes up.
What do you call a cow who works for a gardener?
A lawn moo-er.
What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
Your mother ate us out of house and home.
Why did the Mexican train robber rob the train?
Because he had a loco-motive.
How do ghosts wash their hair? Sham-boo.
Took my giant spoon to my cooking class last night. It caused quite a stir.
A tiger lost a storytelling competition recently as he has only got one tail.
Who did all this shopping? Me, my elf, and I!
They say I’m too indecisive to be a tennis umpire
but I still haven’t ruled it out.
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