Why did the run-on sentence think it was pregnant? Its period was late.
What’s the ratio of a pumpkin’s circumference to its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.
How does a dog stop a TV show?
He presses paws.
Why are flamingos the happiest birds? They live with no reggrets.
Even the most intelligent people can’t survive a day without electricity, like Stephen Hawking.
Why were the two retinas such good friends?
They always saw eye-to-eye.
What did the light bulb say to the electric generator? ‘You spark up my life!”
I finally managed to get rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying. I’m ex-static!”
If Colgate kills 99.9% of bacterias in mouth, what does Colgate sensitive do?
It kills 99.9% without hurting their feelings.
How old was the cave man on his birthday?
Stone Age.
What has 4 wheels and flies?
Garbage truck
What’s the best dessert to serve at a St. Patrick’s Day party?
Paddy cake!
How did cars walk on to Noah’s Ark?
4X4.
Today I learned that mosquitoes love type-B blood.
Oops. sorry, type-O.
Who’s a llama’s favorite composer?
Wolfgang Llamadeus Mozart.
What's the difference between England and a tea bag? The tea bag stays in the cup longer.
You have your mother in law, father in law, son in law doughter in law but your wife is...
The law
Did you know that the blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court …
The game would be cancelled.
I'm developing a new fragrance for introverts:
Leave me the Fuh Cologne.
My wife and I agreed for some Roman foreplay
I agreed to be Caesar and my wife was the beautiful Cleopatra
I got stabbed 23 times
What did one fish say to the other?
If you keep your mouth closed you will not get caught.
At What Time Does A Duck Wake Up?
At the quack of dawn.
Changed all my passwords to Kenny.
Now all I have are Kenny Loggins.
What is a cat’s favorite state of America? Connecti-cat.
Did you hear about the Italian chef with the terminal illness?
He pastaway. Now he’s just a pizza history.
For Halloween I’m going to write “Life” on a plain white T-shirt and hand out lemons to strangers
Dud you know Astronauts said steaks are better in space?
They're a little meteor.
I wanted to buy a $30 meal for my father, my grandfather and father-in-law. I figured they'd lump em all together and charge a reduced fee.
But no, I was charged $30 a pop.
What do you call a berry that plays the trumpet? A tooty fruity!
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
We make a great pear
How do you organise a welcome party for an alien race?
You planet.
Where do squirrels go when they have a nervous breakdown?
To the nut-house.
What did one chicken say to the other after they walked through poison ivy?
“You scratch my beak and I’ll scratch yours!”
Doctor 1: what’s his body temperature?
Doctor 2: it’s 90 degrees.
Doctor 1: What?! That’s can’t be right!
Doctor 2: No, it is.
This may be corny, but you are a-maize-ing.
Wow, wouldn’t mind if you became my significant otter.
The pecan is ready to come out of its’ shell and see the world.
Q: Where do fruits like to go on vacations?
A: To the peach.
What do oranges like to listen to?
Musical com-peel-ations.
What do you call a deer wearing an explosive vest?
Bombi.
You know what it's called when you hurry to develop a vaccine?
... Russian.
What does a real estate agent from Seychelles specialized in beachfront properties do?
She sells Seychelles by the seashore.
What is better than a physics joke?
A meta physics joke.
Why do trees always hold grudges? Because they never fir-get.
Who’s the head of the penguin navy?
Admiral Byrd.
Went to a game with my dad today and as we were standing up to sing, the veteran in him kicked in and he began tearing up. I said to him, "You know, technically, national anthems are just…
…country music."
What do fruits look for at a talent show? A berry that can really cherry a tune.
Gnomes can be quite annoying when they’re indecisive. All they say is yes, gnome, maybe.
The man on the table found hair in his soup. He said in rage "I will take the chef to soup-reme court".
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