What did the train conductor say to the kangaroo?
“Hop on!”
Why did the owl join Tinder?
He didn’t want to be owl by himself.
What did the beaver tell the tree? It has really been nice gnawing you.
Why did the kicker finally decide to marry his high school sweetheart?
She was a fair catch!
A fired newspaper editor took an ex-press train out of town.
If athletes can get “Athletes foot”, what can astronauts get? Missile Toe.
A pine and an apple talk to a pineapple “Poor you, my friend! You are certainly adopted, dude.”
My pet parrot, Nickel, just passed away.
Now I have a Nickel-less cage.
Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff...
Badum chhh
Where do boats go when they feel sick?
To the dock.
What do doctors do to injured elements? They helium.
My son ate daffodil bulbs instead of onions
But that's really serious! Is he in hospital?
Yes, he's still a bit yellow, but he should be coming out in the spring.
Is it possible to scare a sasquatch out of your yard by tossing eggs at him?
Only if you eggs-terminate him.
Don’t give into beer pressure.
Q. Why are big gorilla turds always so stinking tired?
A. Because they're all pooped out!
I found a side job collecting dog poo from people's yards.
It's not much, but business is picking up.
As soon as one beaver jumped in the river to search for his key, it got shocked, as the current was too strong.
All the toilets in the police station have disappeared and they are asking for witnesses.
They currently have nothing to go on.
My sister thinks that she is so intelligent. She says onion is the only food which makes her cry. That is the reason why I threw a pineapple at her face.
Why did Eve bite the forbidden apple? Because it tasted better than Adam's banana.
What do donuts think about donut puns? They donut like them!
What did Dr.Frankenstein say when his monster spat on him?
It’s saliva!
If practice makes perfect and perfect needs practice, I’m perfectly practiced and practically perfect.
What do you call who has been electrocuted? You call it anion.
Why did Bill's friend get covered in beer?
Because William Shakes Beer.
"Bone to be wild."
For the last two weeks my kids have been building a medieval blanket fort every evening to sleep in. Many nights they also stayed up past their bedtime playing fortnight under its protective cover.
It was a night knight fort for Fortnight for a fortnight.
My friend Jack claims that he can communicate with vegetables.
Jack and the beans talk.
Why can't an IT guy keep a girlfriend?
He turns them all off and on again.
What do you call a group of crows who see food?
A tempted murder.
Who wears red and brings catnip to sleeping kittens? Santa Claws!
My friend is always trying to make cows nervous. She's a fan of milkshakes.
Staying humble thanks to that fumble
Don't drink too much coffee after breakfast. You might face a latte problems.
It's just a lot of croc 'n' roll.
What is a dog’s favorite vegetable? A collie flower.
How do you make a tissue paper dance?
You put a little boogie in it!
"Everything happens for a riesling, right?"
“Dad, why do you always wrap my birthday gifts in this weird fabric?”
Dad: I just wanted to.... make my presents felt.
What do you call the Commander of a vegetable army?
A kernel.
What is a pirate’s favorite’s fish?
A pirates favorite fish is a swordfish!
If H2O is the formula for water, what is the formula for ice? H2O cubed.
My dad has the heart of a lion...
and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
I’ll think of another pun soon…
Just bear with me.
How do you kill a troll?
Take away its internet access.
What do you call a frog hanging from the ceiling at Christmas?
Mistletoad.
What is the onion that laughs a lot and is small and white in color? It is a tickled onion.
Why do some trees hate playing checkers? Because they are true chess-nuts.
What kind of fire moistens?
A humidifier.
What is a car’s favourite band?
Van Halen.
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