What do you call an onion that carries electromagnetic waves? A photonion.
You really ate dog meat? How was it?
.... ruff
What did the astronaut cook for lunch? An unidentifiable frying object.
Which actor is now being quarantined for Swine Flu? Kevin Bacon
What time does the Wicked Witch have her clocks set to?
Greenwitch Mean Time.
It’s Fall coming back to me now.
Where do shellfish go to borrow money?
The prawn broker.
Why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet?
Because they spend years at C!
When in France, I have Nantes-thing to complain about.
Hap-pea-ness is when you and your friend are like two peas in a pod.
How many cans can a cannibal nibble
if a cannibal can nibble cans?
As many cans as a cannibal can nibble
if a cannibal can nibble cans.
What did the metamorphic rock say during the test?
This is too much pressure!
I was under the blues, so I had to blue my nose occasionally.
In the middle of the night yesterday, I dreamt that I was swimming in a sea of oranges only to wake up and realize that it was just a Fanta-sea.
Ladies, if he can't appreciate your fruit jokes, you need to let that mango.
He’s my pinch charming.
What do you get if cross a science fiction film with a toad?
Star Warts.
Why do psychiatrists study bats?
They want to learn about their hang-ups.
What did the plate say to the refrigerator?
"Stay cool. Dinner's on me"
My dad used to be an airline pilot, but he decided to retire because it got too Boe-ing.
What's one of the worst things you could come across while surfing the web?
Your keyboard.
If you can think of a better fish pun than me
Then let minnow.
What did the cowboy say when his dog ran away?
Now wait just a doggone minute.
Have you heard of the hair stylist that refuses to cut hair?
If she won't cut hair to earn a living, she'll certainly dye.
Don’t hang around booze hounds. They’re wine-y bitches.
Why Was The Teacher Annoyed With The Duck?
Because he wouldn't quit quackin' jokes!
I didn’t have a map of the corn maze, so I had to play it by ear.
What’s a horse’s favorite grocery store?
No-fillies.
Where do rocks like to sleep? In bedrocks!
I wasn't making enough money as a keyboard percussionist so I started moonlighting as gun salesperson.
I go from glockenspiel to Glock and spiel.
What do you call juice with no ice in it?
Ju.
Why do you have to wait so long for a train on Halloween? They only run a skeleton service.
How does santa get his Reindeer to fly? He uses Red Bull because it gives you wings!
Why did the girl break up with the boy?
He was driving her crazy!
Did you know if you hold a hard hat up to your ear....
you can hear the OSHA?
What's the motto of vegetables? Don't worry, pea happy.
The mummy was very sore from lying down for years. So he called a Cairo-practor.
For the record, you’re not old, you’re a classic.
My husband slapped a fly off the door and said 'Not on my watch!'
I told him "That's a door"
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?" Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
Through three cheese trees, three free fleas flew. While these fleas flew, freezy breeze blew. Freezy breeze made these three trees freeze. Freezy trees made these trees’ cheese freeze. That’s what made these three free fleas sneeze.
Why did he skeleton go to the barbecue? To get another rib.
What does a pizza say when it wants to cuddle?
Fold me close.
What did one slice of bread say to the other at their wedding?
Let’s grow mold together.
What do you say to a procrastinating pig? Listen, bud, it’s snout or never.
What is the cutest car?
A BM-cuddle-U
I warned farmer Brown not to pamper that cow too much because it would wind up giving spoiled milk.
What is red and goes putt, putt, putt? An outboard apple.
Why should you worry about the math teacher holding graph paper?
She’s definitely plotting something.
How do monsters like their eggs?
Terri-fried.
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