What’s black and white and yellow?
A cowardly panda.
I only have ice for you!
There's a microchip you can transplant into your brain to boost your memory
You should keep that in mind.
Cut a piece of poo into three pieces today.
Now I have turds.
Where do math teachers normally like to go on summer vacation?
Times Square.
I went to an XXX Girls Show in Rome
There were just 30 girls...
Who’s an apple’s favorite relative?
Granny.
What do you get if you cross a grizzly bear and a harp?
A bear-faced lyre.
I need to take this picture for my instayam
How do you keep your violin from being stolen?
Put it in a viola case.
The recipe said, “set the oven to 180 degrees”...
Now I can’t open the door because it faces the wall.
Why was the little bear so spoiled?
Because its mother panda’d to its every whim!
What do you call a pig that does a lot of charity work?
Philanthropig
Why aren’t trees competitive sports fans? They like to root for everyone.
Why was the gnome just standing over his lawnmower and crying?
Because he hit a rough patch.
What do you call two peas in a pod?
Peepee
What did the librarian say to the beaver who wanted to read a help book? You can try by-rowing it.
What's the difference between a person that just won the lottery and a fairy in salt water?
One is tickled pink, the other is a pickled Tink.
How do deer clean their feet?
Hoof paste.
Why do owls always by mystery novels?
They love hoo-dunits.
What did the rainbow say to the pot of gold? You'll be the end of me.
I read Reims of info before I got here, but nothing can prepare you for how beautiful this place is.
What do you call it when a cardiology student flunks out?
Heart failure.
What happened to the plane run by a computer?
It crashed.
Why do cats like computers the best?
Cuz they have a mouse.
Why was Pegasus such a good ballerina?
He was flo-wing.
My dog has expensive taste in shoes.
So I got her some Jimmy Chews.
What do you do when a ton of ghosts show up at your house? Hope that it’s Halloween!
In history class, the teacher taught said the Magna Carta was signed in 1215 and to write an essay on it. A student handed in his work with "The Magna Carta was signed in 1215" written 150 times.
The teacher asked the boy, "Why did you write this?" The boy replied, "Because you always say that history repeats itself!"
I've already heard seven cancer puns today.
If I hear tumor it's gonna benign.
I’ve never lost a game of football basketball or volleyball!
Though I’ve never played a game either.
I’m so lepre-gone right now.
How did the gambler know his hand would stink?
Because he was holding deuces.
What do you call Tyrannosaurus rex when it wears a cowboy hat and boots ? Tyrannosaurus tex!
My friend accidentally got salt in his papercut.
Talk about adding insalt to injury.
Why aren’t dogs good dancers? Because they have two left feet!
It's a-boat time we took a vacation!
You have a pizza my heart.
What did the Viking chieftain say when asked about his motivation?
"I'm in it for the longhall."
“He was wheeled into the operating room, and then had a change of heart.”
What do you call a womanising chocolate? A cad-bury.
Why did the mortgage broker always eat lunch by himself?
He was a loaner.
What sport does the Koolaid man play?
Baseball. He's a pitcher.
What’s a pig’s favorite holiday? Ar-boar Day.
The latest thing in flooring are these ductile floor tiles. They’re great because they’re flexible but...
They have a tendency to quack.
What do you call a married couple who compete in the marathon side-by-side?
Running mates.
Who’s the arch-enemy of the Gsus chord?
The Dmin chord.
Why do medieval ghosts refuse to stop at McDonald's?
They prefer Wight Castle.
All chemists know that alcohol is always a solution
What did the Egyptian boy say to the Egyptian girl?
Come behind the pyramid, I'll make you a mummy
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