My wife said she saved $5 by not taking a bus and walking home
I said, you could've saved a $20 by not taking a cab instead
What it is it called if you refuse to go running today?
Resistance Training!
De-coffin-ated coffee is the favourite coffee of the mummy.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs floating in a pool?
Bob.
Why did the ice cream truck break down? Because of the Rocky Road.
Seas the day!
My office chair broke. It’s letting me down.
When do chickens go to bed?
Half past hen!
What is the best thing to do if you notice a gorilla is sitting at your desk?
Find another place to sit.
"Read between the wines."
Who did Frankenstein take to the prom?
His ghoul friend.
Have you seen that awesome video of a Koala drinking tea high up in the trees?
It’s super high Koala-tea
What do you call a sloth that can pick up an elephant ? Sir!
What tree is bought the most at the plant store?
The poplar tree
Did you guys hear about that 14-year old virgin girl who got pregnant after receiving the flu vaccine?
Sounds like an inoculate conception.
Medieval Kings and Queens were afraid of the rain in the middle ages because the rain would storm the castle.
I was throwing oranges at tropical birds. One of them caught one then said: “Toucan play that game”
The young loaf of bread ended up getting fired from his job because he kept loafing around. Poor guy.
St. Patrick’s is all about the pursuit of hoppiness!
Why did the Easter bunny fire the duck?
He kept quacking all the eggs.
What does the parrot get at the end of a restaurant meal? The bill!
I was going to start ironing, but I decided it was too depressing.
What’s black and white and goes up and down?
A panda who’s stuck in a lift.
Don’t expect to hear yourself urinate after taking the Pfizer vaccine.
I had a doctor tell me the P was silent.
A sales guy tried to sell me on a new preparation to wash my hair with, which supposedly contains the excrements of some very special rainforest animal or whatever.
I think it was Scampoo.
We’ll have a splash-tastic time.
What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
Frosted Flakes.
What happened when the monster's football game was all tied up?
They went into ogre time.
What is a car’s preferred TV program?
The Driving Dead.
My wife claims that she can wax my chest hair without me feeling any pain at all.
I don’t think she’ll be able to pull it off.
Blackboards love drinking beverages, especially hot white chalk-olate!
How did the serve know when the bad serve was not with the hand? The server knew it was the foot fault.
What do you call a detective from the Reformation?
Martin Sleuther.
What does Earth get on Earth day ?
A birthday quake !
A witch with chickenpox is called an itchy-witchy.
What do you call a boat full of polite football players?
A good sportsman ship
Who's a pickle's favorite artist?
Salvador Dilli.
I'm reading a horror story in Braille and something bad is about to happen...
I can feel it.
Why is it so difficult to sell a toy zebra.
You can never find the barcode.
What's a pun's favorite love song?
"My Punny Valentine!"
I saw this beautiful tower in Italy..
It was a Pisa art!
What kind of a car does a crazy man drive? A LOCOmotive.
What does an artist call his sketch pad? A house.
Should you plant flowers in any month besides April?
May as well!
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros?
Eleph-ino! (Sounds like "Hell if I know!")
Went on a diving trip with strangers and found a sunken vessel. We're all pitching in to salvage and rebuild it.
I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friend-ship.
I would rather breed mice than crows
Mischief is one thing, but I don't think I can pull off a murder.
Why an astronaut can be said similar to a football player? They both strive for touchdowns!
How many museum curators does it take to change a light bulb?
6. 1 changes it and the other 5 preserve, display, and celebrate the old model.
What's green and purple and goes up and down? Barney in an elevator.
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