A Roman Lifeguard on duty:
See Caesar, Beware the tides of March!
What did pharaohs use to wipe?
Poo-pyrus.
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
Set or be set. This is certainly the right way to look at things.
What time is it when little white flakes fall past the classroom window?
Snow and Tell.
What did the arsonist do on Valentine's day?
He met his match.
What's the opposite of an elephant?
An eleph-antonym.
What do you do with a sick chemist? You try to helium, and then you try to curium, but if all else fails, you gotta barium.
My friend, who's a geneticist and a rapper crossed a gorilla with an orang utan
That's his new mixed ape.
What says “Quick, Quick”?
A duck with the hiccups
I used to own a rabbit, but now he’s just some bunny that I used to know.
Giraffe: The highest form of animal life.
How does a cookie wish his friends for Christmas? I whisk you a merry Christmas.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
My girlfriend spilt hummus all over her...
Can't believe that chick pea'd herself.
This corn is a little rough to the touch. Looks like a job for Kernel Sanders.
Why do thespians have great hair? They want the perfect part.
How rude-olf of you.
The only thing I got for my wife on her birthday was a big helium balloon.
It didn’t go down very well.
What did the light bulb say to the electric generator? ‘You spark up my life!”
What did Bacon say to Tomato? Lettuce get together!
Why did the frog make so many mistakes?
It jumped to the wrong conclusions.
I don't have a "Dad Bod"
I have a father figure.
Why didn’t the boy believe the tiger? Because he thought it was a lion!
This can of deodorant said it "Lasts 24 hours"...
So the next day I bought another can.
I would tell a time travel joke,
but you didn't like it.
Why did God create Yogi bear?
Because on his first try he made a Boo-Boo.
I was supposed to play the trumpet
But I blew it.
Why did the military use acid?
To neutralize the enemy base.
What can I say? I enjoy going to court.
So sue me.
What do you call a strong pumpkin?
A Jacked-o-Lantern.
I just lost a key on my keyboard
Now its all out of control.
What was the most common game played by Greek Gods?
Hydra and seek.
When she asked me if I like soup, I replied saying "I am crazy pho soups".
I have bean
thinking about you.
Witches get sore joints because they have broom-atism.
My mum made a chocolate bar out of peas. I asked if she could snap a peas off for me.
You know, people say they pick their nose,
but I feel like I just was born with mine.
It might take a village to raise a child...
but it only takes a viking to raze a village.
After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."
How do bats spend their time?
Flying and hanging out.
What do Ghosts say when they are impressed? - That was spectre-cular!
Snow thank you.
Why should you never mess with a Gladiator who knows his English literature?
First he'll bellowulf at you, then he'll shakespeare
Why isn't the the koala a real bear? He doesn't have the right koalifications.
Refrigerators look kinda boring.
But actually they're pretty cool
Have you heard about the latest restaurant that opened up on moon?
No, how is that restaurant?
Why do golfers love donuts?
Always a hole-in-one!
Why do pirates not know the alphabet?
Because they always get Lost at C (Sea).
Why did the boy leave his chestnuts in the rain?
He wanted them rusted.
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