Police were called to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
Brother: "My friend John is in Greece studying abroad."
My Dad: "What's her name?"
Why don’t pigs eat cake? Because they’re morally opposed to bacon.
Why was the dung beetle mad at the store clerk?
Because the clerk sold him shampoo.
What's red and has 7 dents in it?
Snow white's cherry!
Today a large tree suddenly fell over right in front of me.
I was stumped.
Roofs of mushrooms rarely mush too much.
Away from their official duties, soccer players love dancing at a soccer ball.
What is a baby sasquatch's favorite toy?
His Yeti Bear!
What is ice cream’s favorite day of the week?
Sundae.
Why will the fruits beat the vegetables?
They have a better punch!
Did you hear about the journalist who became a sterling silver spoon salesman?
He finally found the scoop he was looking for.
My Dad always told me to stand on a bottle of shampoo at job interviews...
That way I'd be 'head & shoulders' above the competition.
Why can't you use a wooden spoon in a Teflon pan?
Because its non stick.
What’s a gorilla’s favourite pop group? A: Bananarama!
What do you call a group of crows eating a box of corn flakes?
A cereal murder.
I just quit my job as a train driver a few weeks ago.
I can't help but feel that my life has gone off the rails since.
Did you know that a Squid’s esophagus goes through its brain?
Food for thought, isn’t it?
What did Medieval postmen wear?
Chain mail.
Is that the Dog star? You can’t be Sirius!
How do trees get onto the internet? They just log on.
When the peach pit farewell to his friend, he said, "See you later, peach out".
What did the dog say when he had a bad day?
Today has been ruff.
Police arrested a man who dropped his phone in the ocean. The was charged with a salt in battery.
Why wouldn’t anyone play with the little longhorn?
He was too much of a bully.
Where did the Flopper work in the offseason? At Dominik's Hat-Check.
Did you hear about that music composer who committed suicide? He didn't even leave a note.
Why did the mushroom need time off work? Because he was fried.
What's black, white, orange, and waddles? A penguin carrying a Jack-o-lantern.
The soup that my mom made for dinner healed my flu in a day. It was almost soup-er natural.
I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.
Dr. Frankenstein: Igor, have you seen my latest invention? It’s a new pill consisting of 50 percent glue and 50 percent aspirin.
Igor: But what is it for?
Dr. Frankenstein: For monsters with splitting headaches.
Its hard being a teenage mother
Especially when you're a teenage male.
My New Years resolution for next year will be to finally get that laser eye surgery I’ve always wanted
It’s my 2020 vision
Why are wintertime fortune tellers so reliable?
They can see what is mitten in the stars.
Why is a field of grass always older than you?
Because it's pasture age
What do you call a snowman party?
A snowball.
How does the sun say hi to the moon?
With a heat wave!
Crows go, listen, perform, and enjoy live music, at cawnsorts.
Did you hear about the geologist who got divorced?
He was taking his wife for granite, so she left him.
I've never seen the inside of my ears...
But I've heard good things.
Where was Solomon’s temple located?
On the side of his head.
If you're alone and get too cold, you might become ice-olated.
How does bread win over friends?
“You can crust me.”
What do you call a tree without teeth?
A gumtree.
What do you call a program that uses every possible combination to crack a password?
A battering R.A.M.
Q. What do they call the gorilla marathon runner who only wins when it's pouring outdoors?
A. The raining chimp-ion.
Why do cats have minty breath? Because they use mousewash
Rain doesn’t fall. Raindrops.
What is the coldest type of horse?
A freezian.
Beat funny horse puns
What’s a horse’s favorite makeup brand?
Neighhhbelline.
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