Where did the dog leave her car?
In the barking lot.
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite year?
A leap year.
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.
My wife isn't talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday....
I don't know how I did that... I didn't even know it was her birthday!
Are you a thief? Because you stole my heart.
Did you hear about the skeleton that was almost picked apart by a group of wild dogs?
He marrowly escaped.
Why did the zombie go to the doctor?
Because of his coffin.
Q. After the stripper is done, what happens at a stag party?
A. Deer-ty dancing.
What do you call a woman with one leg?
Eileen.
What was the conversation like at the dinner party with all the boring flowers?
Like pollen teeth.
"No eggs-cuses."
It is no wonder that Thomas Jefferson was thus named, his father was after Jefferdad.
Stealthy minotaurs are always camooflauged.
Why should you never expect perfection from geologists?
Because they all have their faults.
Which one of Sneezy’s kids hid his tissue paper?
Runny Knows!
What do you call an alligator who is holding a compass?
A navigator.
What do you call a flying turtle?
A shellicopter.
Who never minds being interrupted in the middle of a sentence? A convict.
I’m browsing the winter-net.
A tutor who tooted the flute tried to teach two young tooters to toot. Said the two to the tutor, ‘Is it harder to toot, or to tutor two tooters to toot?
Where do the monkeys get their gossip?
They hear it on the ape vine.
Ants in your plants.
What is a cat’s favorite book? The Princess and the Paw-per.
Why did the troll fall back with his army?
He didn't want to be ogre-run by the enemy.
Most people have off on Independence Day. Except fire.
Fire-works on 4th of July.
Why was the marathon runner plucked out of the race and taken away to jail?
For resisting a rest.
I never get tide down to one place when there's so much to sea.
I always knock on the fridge before opening it.
Just in case there's a salad dressing.
The classiest indoor tennis facilities serve bubble tea.
Do you want to hear a pizza joke? Never mind it's too cheesy.
During the divorce, the judge couldn't decide who got the shack in the backyard, despite our numerous arguments.
It was a case of he shed, she shed.
Tommy Tucker tried to tie Tammy's Turtles tie.
What do you call a healthy dinosaur? Tea-Rex.
What do you call a snowman on rollerblades?
A snowmobile.
How do you organise a welcome party for an alien race?
You planet.
What do you call two watermelons that are not allowed to get married? A couple of can’t- elopes.
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
He wanted to get to the other slide.
Why did Shakespeare only write in ink?
Pencils posed an issue; 2B or not 2B?
The paddy don’t start till I walk in.
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
Some people like to play croc-quet.
What is the difference between a cow that produces normal milk and a cow that produces chocolate milk?
A mootation
What do dogs love to eat for breakfast?
woofles
What’s long, green and goes hith?
A snake with a lisp.
The crosseyed history teacher
Could not control her pupils.
Why did the troll fall back with his army?
He didn't want to be ogre-run by the enemy.
Did you hear about the soldier who got struck by lightning?
He had to be honorably discharged.
What did the train conductor say to the kangaroo?
“Hop on!”
What do you call a bad electrician? A shock absorber!
I've been thinking of U periodically.
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