I broke my spine in an accident last year. Had a life saving operation to fix my neck which permanently locked my head in place.
Since then I've never looked back.
What do you call a very slow skier?
A slope-poke.
What did the pillow say when the blanket asked it to come hang out?
I'm down
How many peaches can you fit inside two cans? It depends how big the Toucans are and if they eat peaches.
Why was the coffee-shop worker fired? He kept showing up in a Tea-shirt.
Why does the ocean roar?
You would too if you had crabs on your bottom.
Interesting fact: A nectarine can also be a peach if it does not have peach fuzz.
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a leaf blower? A hare dryer!
Dr. Frankenstein just placed an order on Amazon.
It wasn't expensive, but I imagine the shipping cost him an arm and a leg.
As a refrigerator technician, after a hard day on the job, I like to relax...
And chill out.
Have you heard what happened to unemployed perfume makers?
They are not making any scents.
Can an Australian with poor vision clearly see the moon?
No, but a "good eye might."
How do you catch King Kong? Hang upside down and make a noise like a banana.
There was a recent study showing that crows were hit a lot more by trucks than cars...
they came to the conclusion that this was because crows can warn each other by going "CAAAR CAAAR" but can't say "TRUCK TRUCK".
What’s a monsters favorite desert? I-Scream!
What do you call a mouse that doesn’t eat, drink, or even walk?
A computer mouse.
Q. What can a buck take after a night of drinking at a stag party?
A. Elk-a-seltzer.
When the Frenchman asked for a book on warfare on Battle of Waterloo from his librarian, she said, "You're just going to lose it."
How do you write a book about Bats? With a ghostwriter.
A wolfswagon rabbit is by far the best car you can gift a wolf.
What's the fastest thing on the river bed?
A motor-pike and side-carp.
Why did the pumpkin cross the road? It fell off the wagon!
Why is ice cream so bad at tennis?
They have a soft serve.
What do you call a guy in a wheelchair who keeps getting struck by lightning?
A handicapacitor.
I really hate rock puns.
My sediments exactly.
Why did the gorilla have to visit the vet?
He wasn't peeling well
My new toaster oven is a huge improvement for making lunch.
I used to eat unappetizing sandwiches but I quit cold turkey.
Son: Hey Dad, why do you have your ear right up to that computer?
Dad: I’m listening to A Dell
Do you know where I store all my dad jokes?
In a dad-a--base
Tonight my wife was making dinner and she was using some fresh peas. She dropped some on the floor.
My 4 year old said “mummy, you’ve pee’d on the floor”
Needless to say I was in stitches.
Are you a magnet? Because I find you very attractive.
How does a horse drink wine?
With a de-canter.
In the darkness, is where a flashlight really shines!
The bartender asks one of The Beach Boys what they’d like, so he looks back to his friends
“Get a round?” “Round?” “Round?” “I’ll get a round!”
I always take a dump at 11:59 PM. That way, when the clock strikes midnight it’s the same sh**, different day.
Yesterday’s weather forecast predicted freezing rain. However, it turned out to be quite an ice day.
What do bony people use to get into their homes?
A skeleton key.
Why didn't the conductor know what to do when he found that his train was missing?
He wasn't trained for this.
I wanted to do some research on organs in biology, but I had no WiFi and couldn't find the information I wanted.
I wound up using cellular.
Living costs on the moon would probably be out of this world.
What do alligators call human children?
Appetizers.
I heard Frozen University is banning anyone who got the COVID vaccine from returning for the spring quarter
I guess if you get vaccinated you won’t be headed to the ICU.
My friend just got 3 kittens named Spoon, Fork, and Knife. When I asked why those names, they smiled and said, "Isn't it obvious?"
"They're catlery"
What do ducks watch on TV?
Duck-umentaries.
What did the flirty napking say to the dinner guests?
"Let me sit on your lap"
Why are crows so interesting?
Just beCAWse
Have you ever seen a catfish? No, how did he hold the rod and reel?
Why did the skeleton go to jail?
Because he was bad to the bone.
What vehicle does T-Rex use to go from planet to planet? A Dinosaucer
I hired a landscape gardener today.
He couldn’t help me — my garden is a portrait.
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