What should you wear before driving?
The correct gear.
We like to paddy.
I just built a car out of a washing machine.
I’ll be taking it for a spin later.
What is the lesser-known sport used to measure a horse’s singing ability?
Carol racing.
I tried to keep a koala in my house, but the smell was just unBEARable.
I always like to keep a jar of peanut butter in the car when I travel on a busy freeway ...
just in case there’s a traffic jam.
What type of fruit includes Barium and double Sodium? BaNaNa.
How does a penguin build it’s house?
Igloos it together.
What do you call someone who's obsessed with Christmas? Santa-mental.
What do bees call wasps?
Wanna-bees.
I told my wife I wanted to name our son Lance, but she said it was too uncommon so I explained that in medieval times men where named Lance a lot.
Is it bad to swallow a cherry whole? No don't worry, it's just one of the pitfalls of life.
Maternity ward nurse asked my wife if she needed to go to the bathroom.
She says, "yeah, I could stand to pee."
I said, "No, you should probably still sit so it doesn't get everywhere."
If you mix a ghost and a cow together, you will create vanishing cream.
What do rabbits put in their computers? Hoppy disks!
Nurse: Here’s our list of donor hearts and livers in alphabetical order.
Doctor: wow. Looks very ORGANized.
How did the shark plead in its murder trial?
Not gill-ty.
Golf balls are like eggs…
They’re white, they are sold by the dozen, and a week later you have to buy more.
How was the first giraffe made?
Chuck Norris uppercut a horse.
What do you call a lobster with a Christmas hat?
Santa Claws
Ciabatta stay away from me because I don’t want naan of that. That’s one way to tell someone to keep away.
I used to be a personal driver in France
But now I have nothing to chauffeur it.
What do you call a chicken with a piece of lettuce in its eye? CHICKEN CAESER SALAD.
[Beer] This is my number one draft pick.
My friend dragged me to a lecture about lamps. I though it would be boring but...
It was very illuminating.
What does a mom of a football fan hate the most?
A messi room.
My cardiologist friend keeps sending me x-rays of his chest.
A bit weird, I know, but it just shows his heart is in the right place.
What's green and got two wheels?
A motorpickle.
What is a cat’s favorite kitchen tool? The whisk-er.
Why did the man put the cake in the freezer? Because his wife told him to ice it!
Orange you excited for Halloween?
We’ll have a ball.
What does a gardener call the tree surgeon who also makes a great cup of coffee?
Arbor-ista.
Today I learned that Both Charles Darwin and Albert Einstein married their first cousins.
For both, it’s all relative.
Why did the toilet paper role down the hill?
To get to the bottom...
You better beer-live it!
Kids got me an Old-school Chemistry set for Father's Day...
... Totally in my Element.
Why did the farmer buy a brown cow?
He wanted chocolate milk.
What do you call the greatest cheese to every live on the earth? Legen-dairy!
I had a tattoo of a Scorpion on my back last night and to tell the truth...
It stings like hell.
I went to test my new gun at the range, but couldn’t make it work.
Now I have to read the trouble shooting section of the manual.
What do you get when you cross a snake and a frog?
A jump rope.
What happens when you play tug-of-war with a pug?
Pulled pork!
Did you hear about the flatmate who woke up to a spicy toothbrush? He had it cumin.
HELP! It's a taco emergency!
Dial 9 Juan Juan!
What do bakers tell their children at night?
Breadtime stories.
What do you get when you cross an avocado with a two way radio?
A Guackie-talkie
Not to brag, but I already have a date for Valentines Day.
February 14th.
A pig just won the lottery. What do you call him?
Filthy rich.
The word Gnome is a corruption of the Latin word Genomus or earth dweller.
In other words, it's a misgnomer.
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