Why do watermelons take such a long time to make decisions?
“They’re always melon it over.”
why was the ship called 3.14
because it was full of π-rates.
What's the opposite of a positive crocodile?
A negator
What do you call a walnut in a narwal costume? A nar-walnut.
What do you call it when leprechauns get together after being apart?
A wee-union!
Once you've seen one Lion eat a Giraffe...
You've seen a maul!
What did Betula pendula tell her little sister when she was annoyed? Leaf me alone, birch.
What’s a vampire’s favorite holiday?
Fangs-giving.
A werewolf's favorite day of the week is Moonday.
Did you hear about the aspen who fell for the loggers’ scam? The copse wood not believe she fell for it.
Which ghost is the best dancer? The Boogie Man.
what do doctors use to draw blood?
A needle?
No, a red crayon!
What’s the difference between spring rolls and summer rolls?
Seasoning.
My brother was reading a book about a medieval castle that always had its drawbridge up. Unfortunately, he couldn't really get into the book!
Which dinosaur slept all day ? The dino-snore!
Why didn’t Bob drink a glass of water with 8 pieces of ice in it?
It was too cubed.
What did the trees wear when they went to a pool party? Swimming trunks.
I think you're mer-mazing.
What do you say to comfort a grammar teacher?
They’re, there, their.
Q: What do vegetables wish for, more than anything else in the whole world?
A: Peas on earth!
Why can't you trust zebras?
Because they're convicted horse felons.
They had us working like dogs at work after a storm
All I did was pick up sticks and bark.
Why shouldn't you shoot pool using a pickle?
Because you'll find the cue cumbersome.
Why do gnomes laugh when they play football?
Because the grass tickles their armpits.
Why was the hard drive scared of the large file?
Because it was a terror-byte.
Which barnyard animal is a famous painter?
Vincent Van Goat
What do you call a Pharaoh playing a trumpet?
Tooting’khamun
My singing voice sounds bad in my tiny apartment.
It’s a little flat.
What sound did the gun make when the priest shot through two benches to kill a mass shooter?
PEW PEW
Q: What’s a nectarine?
As he gobbled the cakes on his plate,
the greedy ape said as he ate,
the greener green grapes are,
the keener keen apes are
to gobble green grape cakes,
they're great!
Want to start a Hula band that covers music by Poison.
Gonna call it Poi, Son.
"I'm not a wino. I'm a wineYES!"
My boss said to me, “You are the worst train operator ever. How many trains have you derailed in the past year?”
I said, “I’m not sure. It’s so hard to keep track.”
A sales guy tried to sell me on a new preparation to wash my hair with, which supposedly contains the excrements of some very special rainforest animal or whatever.
I think it was Scampoo.
What did the tiger say to her cub on his birthday?
It’s roar birthday!
Why should you never mention the number 288?
Because it’s two gross.
Strawberries are the most bullied of the fruits.
They're always getting picked on.
What’s a horse’s favorite sport?
Saddleball.
Playing the keyboard is...
my type of music.
What is a cheese lover’s favorite Village People song?
Nacho Man.
What do you call the greatest cheese to every live on the earth? Legen-dairy!
My Ph.D thesis was on cattle raised in the Roman city of Pompeii. To understand it all I had to visit the ancient mooins.
What do you call a tariff on skin?
A tax-a-dermis!
There are so many puppies and kitties around the neighbourhood. Perhaps it is because it has been raining cats and dogs for hours.
What do you call Santa's helpers? Subordinate clauses.
I knew a mathematician who couldn’t afford lunch.
He could binomial.
Even though Jake was a heartthrob Casanova, he just had to break up with his long-time watermelon vending girlfriend; said she was always melondramatic about everything.
What do you call an illegally parked frog?
Toad.
I am a peach, and when my husband accompanies me, we are a pear.
What do you call it when worms eat all of the plants and take over the world?
Global Worming.
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