A kid at the spelling bee was asked to spell "inward"
A teacher tackled him after the first G
How do yetis stay regular?
They always know wendigo.
Our flamingo colleague was leaving for a new job recently. We all told him to flamingo for it.
What did the cherry say to the cherry pie? I really crust you.
The painter loved to paint because he was drawn to art.
Did you hear the horse and the pig are dating?
They’re in a stable relationship.
I had a job drilling holes for water. It was well boring.
Why did the worker get fired from the orange juice factory?
“Lack of concentration.”
Once upon a time, a knight hosted a live improvisational comedy show for everyone in town. It was known as 'Saturday Knight Live'.
Spring is the perfect time to turn over a new leaf.
What goes inside elves’ pointy shoes?
Their mistletoes.
Some see a puddle of mosquito larva.
I see a pool of enbitenment.
Why did Karl Marx dislike Earl Grey tea? Because all proper tea is theft.
What did the cheese say when it looked in the mirror ? Halloumi (Hello me)
Where do cow farts come from?
The dairy air.
What is a popular videogame for young utensils?
Fork Knife.
Before training its killer dolphins, Iran had to convert them to fishlam.
What do you call someone that's hungry for some cuddles?
Hugry.
The two slices of bread decided to leave the bakery. I heard that they wanted to grow mold together.
How do you stay warm in any room?
Just huddle in the corner, where it’s always 90 degrees.
If you ever own a koala as a pet, make sure you can keep track of it by putting a koalar around its neck.
My sister asked me for some spider puns.
I told her to look them up on the web.
Why was the sedimentary rock so cheap?
It was always on shale.
My doctor must think I have a bad hard drive
He said he needed to C:
Why did all the passengers on the right side of the ship have dead cell phones?
They weren’t on the port side of the ship.
"Some bunny needs vodka."
There's a programme about the history of perfume on TV tonight.
It's on at 8pm on Chanel Number 5!
My band only plays dog whistles.
You've probably never heard us.
What did the Catholic Nectarine Priest say to the church? Peach be with you. It was a normal thing to hear from the pul-pit.
How did they determine that the shark attack victim had dandruff?
Because all that washed up on the beach was his head and shoulders.
What did the father buffalo say to his son when he left to school ?
Bison.
Fir sure.
How do you make an apple puff? Chase it round the garden.
How does one astronaut on the moon tell another astronaut that he is sorry?
He apollo-gises.
What do you call a chicken staring at a salad?
Chicken sees a salad.
When your putt lips out, what disease do you have?
Liprocy.
How do you know it’s getting kind of serious with a cheese lover?
They tell you they are pretty fondue you.
What do you call a tariff on skin?
A tax-a-dermis!
Me: "Hello? 911? Emergency! The neighbors house is on fire!"
Dispatcher: "Did you discover the fire?"
Me: "No! Prometheus! but what does he have to do with this?"
Why did the orange go out with a prune? He couldn’t find a date.
My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer.
I'm not too worried, I think she's jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf.
Young goats should be careful when they're out and and about and shouldn't jump into a stranger's car.
That's how you get kidnapped.
Did you hear the one about the statistician.
Probably.
What’s happens to the sportiest horse?
It gets to be first horse-pick of the draft.
Don’t moss around.
I have no idea what I'm doing with eyeliner
To be honest, I just wing it.
Ed Belfour's new contract offer isn't high compared to other goal tenders.
Why do Egyptians shave their heads?
To make them more pharaoh-dynamic
A guy walks into the doctors office complaining of rectal pain, upon examination, the doctor exclaims "Buddy, theres a piece of lettuce coming out of your butt!"
The guy looks to the doctor and says "thats only the tip of the iceburg!"
They say that the local baker is the breadwinner of his family. True enough.
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