What does a horse call its treats?
My greatest preakness.
Where do the cool horses live?
In rad-docks.
What do you think is the name of the knight who unexpectedly turned up at the battle? His name is Sir Prize.
Today, we had to create a new hang position for some lighting fixtures. After all day trying, we couldn't get the new batten hung properly.
Turns out it was just a pipe dream.
I'm opening up an old folk's home in Tijuana.
Señor Citizens.
I love when you coddle me.
After a good summer fling, it’s time to fall in love.
Why do cats have minty breath? Because they use mousewash
What kind of money does deer use?
“Bucks!”
How to stop a dog from digging in a garden?
Start right! Never let the dog see you digging... Doggy see doggy do.
What happened when Caesar's government officials could not reach consensus?
Irritable Brawls in Rome
What did the tree say after someone hit it? We should really call the copse.
What do you get if you cross a pumpkin with a bigfoot?
A Sasquash.
Why doesn't the moon shave?
Because it waxes.
A team of mushrooms was playing basketball against a team of cabbages. The mushrooms won. Everyone cheered for the champignons.
Where do boats go when they feel sick?
To the dock.
What's a bee's favorite hairstyle?
A buzz cut.
Vasco de Balboa told the Queen of Spain, “I discovered a large body of water on my journey.”
She said, “Could you be a little more pacific?”
Sheena leads, Sheila needs.
What do you get if you cross a wasp with a doorbell?
A hum-dinger!
Scissors sizzle, thistles sizzle.
Did you hear about the spoon? It caused quite a stir!
I told you snow.
Why did the Math teacher get a divorce?
He substituted his wife for an ex.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
How did the police find all the missing wood from the lumber yard?
It was chipped.
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite year?
A leap year.
Did you hear about the new WiFi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.
What did the nut husband tell his wife? “Nut-ing lasts forever, except my love for you!”
Why was James Bond kicked out of a toilet?
Because it was not agent's toilet.
I’ve never understood fog machines.
They mystify me to this day.
What did the coffee say to its date? Hey there, hot stuff.
Due to unusually successful harvests of chickpeas this year, the price of hummus is going to fall dramatically.
Buy the dip.
When in France, I have Nantes-thing to complain about.
Why do workers at the dairy factory always need a charger? Their milk is stuck at 1%.
What do you call a cake that likes heavy metal? Megadeth by Chocolate.
My sister thinks that she is so intelligent. She says onion is the only food which makes her cry. That is the reason why I threw a pineapple at her face.
I created a presentation on my computer but didn't use password protection...
Now it has visual aids.
What is a cactus’ favorite MC Hammer song?
Can’t touch this.
Which weighs less; butane, gasoline or water?
Butane, because it's lighter fluid.
What does the zombie say to her zombie crush?
- Are you going to kiss me or rot?
"Here for the right riesling."
Why don't orphans make good baseball players?
Because they don't know where home is.
Which type of wine do horses request most often?
Chardon-neigh.
What do you call a royal giraffe?
Your highness.
What did the rabbit say to its wife? No bunny compares to you.
What did the Mama Hot Dog say to the little frankfurter? Ketch-up! Why did the blonde put a sweater on her hot dog? Because she wanted a chili dog.
A truck with an entire load of strawberries has crashed on the motorway. It's caused a real traffic jam.
What do you call a dog’s back teeth?
Canine canines.
What do you call a group of rabbits walking backwards?
A receding hareline
I tried to come up with a funny theatre joke, but it was all just an act.
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