Are Jellyfish sad that there are no Peanut Butter fish?
This is snow laughing matter!
How did the grizzly walk in the snow?
Bear footed.
What's a vampire's most favorite fruit? It must be a neck-tarine peach.
I tried to taste the hot light bulb
But I got my tungstenned.
How do Penguins drink their cola?
On the rocks.
If you mix a ghost and a cow together, you will create vanishing cream.
This foundation is rock salad.
What did the beaver say to the other beaver? I love you like no otter.
I got my paycheck with a lemon slice on it today...
turned out my ex-wife was garnishing my wages.
The colonized do not like British tea. They only want liber-tea.
Why did Santa send his daughter to college? To keep her off the North Pole.
Why do mummies never go on vacations? Because they're afraid to unwind.
Q: What happens when two oranges collide?
A: They get en-tang-led!
When his wife was preparing his favorite chocolate cake, the baseball player said "Batter Up.
Did you hear about the croc and rooster that had a kid together?
It was a crocadoodledoo.
Did you know Karl Marx's sister invented the starting pistol?
Her name was Onya Marx.
What do you call a viking cemetary?
A grey fjord.
The cloud hailed from the sky kingdom.
I went to my girlfriend's soccer match for the first time last weekend. She kept grabbing the ball with her hands.
She's a keeper.
What do you get if you cross a wasp with a doorbell?
A hum-dinger!
Why is Christmas the cheesiest holiday? Baby cheeses. (Baby Jesus)
Why did the corn farmer go to jail?
He was stalking someone in a field.
A cable TV installer walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender says, "You'll be served sometime between 7am and 2pm."
Why do skeletons never move?
Because they have too much Skelatonin.
If Kim Jong-un had a private yacht, it would be a dictator ship
Though it sounds mean, a bad soccer team is much like an old bra. It has no cups and minimal support.
According to Greek Mythology, Chiron was a half-human, half-horse doctor.
This made him the Centaur for Disease Control.
There’s a girl on my art course who never does any original work, she copies everything.
We call her Tracey.
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Olive.
Olive, who?
Olive you, and I don’t care who knows it!
I love you with all my butt.
I would say my heart, but it is just not as big. (wink wink where my curvy booties at?!)
What happens when you shatter your funny bone?
You crack up.
What does Bigfoot say when he sees campers in sleeping bags?
- Yum, Hot Pockets!
The other day I put out a big dangerous open fire!
The other people on the hot air balloon didn't appreciate me for some reason.
What is a tornado's favorite movie? Gone With the Wind!
My boat is starting to sink, I'm going to sell it.
See my boat listing in the paper.
Why was the werewolf arrested at the butchers shop?
He was caught chop lifting.
What do chickens call school tests?
Eggs-aminations.
I mustache you a question..
but I'll shave it for later.
When I proposed to my fiancee, she started crying. It must be because I proposed to her with an onion ring.
I swear I was born in the wrong generation. Nowadays everyone is addicted to their phones.
I wish I was born in the 80's when everyone was addicted to Cocaine.
Told my wife I’m going to take a shower.
She said, dn’t take it too far!
What do you call someone who specializes in growing plants used in witches’ brews?
A hag-riculturist!
On which website will you learn about the hidden gossips and secrets of the onion world? On the website Wiki-Leeks.
How did cars protect themselves during the medieval age?
They would dig an M.O.T. around them.
Not every legume can be a nut.
But a pea can.
What did the deer say to his funny friend? You’re deer-larious!
I would rather breed mice than crows
Mischief is one thing, but I don't think I can pull off a murder.
They say that she only paints night scenes. Other artists really pale by comparison.
When a pig takes out a loan, he becomes a boar-ower.
What’s an elephant’s secret talent?
They’re great at multi-tusking.
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