What's green and pecks on trees?
Woody Wood Pickle.
- Do old zombie actors ever die?
- Yes, they sometimes drop a part.
I went to the Red Cross to donate blood.
They threw me out and said "We don't want your type here!"
Coming to Theaters: The thrilling tale of a man who cooked biographical books like turkey on Thanksgiving.
*Baste on a True Story...*
I came, I thaw, I conquered.
Feeling fintastic.
What do you call a broken can opener?
A can't opener
What kind of fish is only made of salt.
A tu-na.
I lost my cat in a snowstorm!
But he should be fine because he's a cool cat.
I was sick and tired of the kids leaving their business in the toilet, so I yelled at them.
They immediately flushed with embarrassment.
Why cant a dwarf be depressed?
Because they are compressed.
What does a biologist wear when they're going out?
Designer genes.
What kind of fruit did Avogadro eat in the summer?
Water-mole-ns
Why don't alligators like fast food?
Because it is difficult to catch.
The sun replies: I hurt everyone when they come close to me.
The strawberry was scared of the cream. They were afraid it had gone bad.
What do you call an elephant that’s never clean?
A smelly-phant.
What’s Another Name For iPhone Chargers?
Apple Juice.
What’s the silliest name you can give a tiger?
Spot.
Where is the first baseball game in the Bible?
In the big inning. Eve stole first, Adam stole second. Cain struck out Abel. The Giants and the Angels were rained out.
What did the Golden Retriever say to the beautiful poodle?
You’re looking very fetching.
A skeleton walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer and a mop.
Are sasquatches superstitious?
Yes, they always knock on wood!
Singular: One mango
Plural: Two menwent
Three tomatoes are walkin' down the street.
Papa Tomato, Mama Tomato and Baby Tomato.
Baby Tomato starts lagging behind, and Papa Tomato gets really angry.
Goes back and squishes him and says: "Ketchup."
How will you save yourself if you come across an aggressive alien? Give him some space.
Why did the Vampire read The New York Times? He heard it had great circulation.
What football team do energy providers root for the most? The Chargers”
Whats the name of the movie about Bacon? Frankenswine, or you can go see Hamlet.
What do you call it when you brush off the winter snow for the last time?
A spring fling!
My friend, who's a geneticist and a rapper crossed a gorilla with an orang utan
That's his new mixed ape.
When the giant cannibals started to soak me in vinegar, I'd had enough.
"Why don't you pickle someone your own size?" I shouted.
What do you call a Blind Dinosaur's Dog? Do-ya-think-he-saurus-rex.
Why did the worm leave the Apple?
Because Noah said to travel in pairs
Why can't Vikings fans eat cereal? Because they choke before they ever reach the bowl.
Why did the bus driver take a long break? He needed a wheel-y good rest!
After bidding farewell to my neurosurgeon friend, we promised that we would grey in touch!
I can't hear out of my ear...
It's really EAR-itating.
What did the skeleton bring to the potluck?
Spare ribs.
Pick-up line: You might as well play be a tennis player, because I’m about to court you girl.
Why do mice have long tails?
Well, they’d look silly with long hair!
Why are bunnies always tired in April? Because they just finished a March.
What is Grammar?
The difference between knowing your sh*t, and knowing you're sh*t.
What do you call a camper driving through frozen rain?
Van Hailin’.
What do you call a clever monster?
Frank Einstein.
My dad is going through heart failure, and the first text that I get from him after sending him a card says:
“No more corny jokes, now just corn-orary jokes.”
What do you get when you cross a thought with a light bulb?
A bright idea.
My son took his jar collection way too far
When I came home from work I thought the house was robbed because the door was ajar.
This Halloween, the only Candy I’m interersted in swings from a pole and has daddy issues
When a pig takes out a loan, he becomes a boar-ower.
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