My mother asked me if my dog was good
I said “Yeah. And my hot dog isn’t bad either.”
hat did the pizza slicer say when he wanted to rob the pizza?
“Hand over the dough or I’ll cut you!”
What do you call an alligator showing off his spine flexibility on the internet?
E-Reptile Disc Function
If man’s bet friend is a dog, would a unicorns best friend be a corn dog?
What did the pig say on a hot summer’s day?
I’m bacon!
I asked my friend for a tube of toothpaste. He gave me the smallest tube I’ve ever seen.
Next time, I’ll ask for teethpaste.
What is it called when a witch only casts spells that rhyme?
Poetry in Potion.
I'm on a seafood diet. Every time I see food, I eat it.
I surprised the judges at my last diving competition by performing a cannonball.
I made a huge splash.
The record store owner needed to get the albums by a Canadian band with Neil Pert on drums out on sale before Halloween...
So he put in a Rush order!
Only a**holes use bidets.
You are un-beer-lievable!
What did the cheese call himself after he got dumped?
Forever provolone.
Where does Snowy the snow man hide his money?
In a snow bank.
What is the best way to make gold soup? By adding 22 carrots in it.
The police officer only had soups for dinner. He was a soup-erintendent.
How can you tell when a polar bear is moving?
There’s a “fur sale” sign in the yard.
Why did the hen lay her egg on the axe?
She wanted to hatchet.
What did one brain say to another?
I lobe you.
What did the Clydesdale use to deal cards at the casino?
A horse-shoe.
What’s the scariest koala movie ever made? The Bear Witch Project.
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on?!
I went to my girlfriend's soccer match for the first time last weekend. She kept grabbing the ball with her hands.
She's a keeper.
What is a rabbit’s favorite dance style? Hip-Hop!
So I asked Satan if he had any milk I could drink...
He told me "No whey in Hell!"
Why did the Easter bunny fire the duck?
He kept quacking all the eggs.
Why did the Pilgrims sail to America?
It was too far to swim.
Physics puns are no joke. It’s a relatively dark matter.
Once a year, I take my family on a tour of various nuclear facilities.
While my kids like it, my wife says it’s just a power trip.
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.
I whale always love you.
I've just thought of a really funny owl joke, but I can't use it until 2/8/20.
A lorry load of pears has crashed on the motorway. It’s caused a huge jam.
When the student had asked the History teacher what questions will be there for the History exam, she answered, "The Past."
What sort of lights were on Noah’s Ark?
Flood lights.
Why do comedians hate telling jokes at zombie night?
All they hear is groans.
Snow on and snow forth.
What happened when the kitten turned one? She had a birthday paw-ty.
Why do fish not like computers?
Because they are worried about getting caught in the Inter-net.
What do you call a low-quality Russian composer, pianist, and conductor of the late Romantic period?
Knockmaninoff.
What kind of fish performs brain surgery?
A neurosturgeon.
If you travel to the future and get decapitated
You'd be ahead of your time
Don't get tide down this summer. 'Tis the season for having fun.
What do you call a dog that’s been left outside in the cold?
A chili dog.
Why are flamingos the happiest birds? They live with no reggrets.
Denise sees the fleece,
Denise sees the fleas.
At least Denise could sneeze
and feed and freeze the fleas
What do aspens wear to school? A tree-shirt.
here do lobsters go to borrow money? The prawn broker.
Heard about the beaver who can split huge logs with his eyes? Yes, he just saw the logs, and they broke into two.
Wife told me that our juicer draws a lot of power.
I explained to her that it takes lot of juice to juice the juicer.
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