What does a drunkard's mouth and a shirt have in common?
They are both 100% cotton.
What did the baby cloud say to its mum when it rained? Sorry, mum, I couldn't hold it any longer.
Exasperated, I threw my hands up in the air and shouted at my wife, "I'm not a complete idiot!" She smiled at me and purred, "I know honey."
"Some parts are missing."
What type of films should players watch to improve their shot? Slap stick.
What do you call a troll that’s in charge?
In control.
What did the laser weapon say to the atom bomb?
"OK boomer."
What do you call a cat from Italy?
Spacatti.
What do you call a train that sneezes? Achoo-choo train.
I was walking along when I saw a pile of dog sh** on the side of the street, a little further on I saw an identical one.
That was a crazy deja poo.
What is a giraffe’s favorite fruit?
Necktarines.
What do you call an ant who likes to be alone?
Independ-ant.
What do you call a can of pop found in a conglomerate?
Coca-Cola Clastic
Because the platypus both lays eggs and produces milk,
It is one of the few animals that can make its own custard.
10 saxophone players blew up a theatre...
authorities are on the lookout for the tenorists.
Why are shovels, trowels, and spades so common in down-to-earth novels and movies?
Because they're plot devices.
Q: Who is Peach’s favorite actor?
A: Brad Pit.
Me: Can I get XL shirts here?
Ancient Rome Shopkeeper: Are you sure you want that many shirts?
This is a taco and burrito conversation.
Nachos.
Why did the skeleton put on a heavy coat?
He was chillled to the bone.
What's the problem with Father's day?
It always falls on Son-day
What do you get when you cross a vampire with an ice cube?
You end up with frost bite.
Why does a skeleton always tell the truth?
He wants tibia honest.
Why do words and punctuation end up in court? To be sentenced.
My wife and I have the same shoes. I guess you could say we are solemates.
What group of people always had the highest cell phone bills?
The Romans.
Sinks cannot open doors
Let that sink in.
After a tiring day at work, my wife drew me a relaxing bath. It wasn't very smart of me to ask if it was going to be in color or a sketch.
What did the two coffee lovers say on their wedding day? We were meant to bean together.
Want to hear a joke about weather?
Actually, never mind. I'll just save it for a rainy day.
Why did Henry VIII struggle to breathe?
He had no heir!
"You are so bottlefull to me."
My friend told me all about his friend's girlfriend who was playing saxophone.
Apparently she was a saxy lady.
Where does a ghost go on vacation? Mali-boo.
I recently read a book by an onion which had opened up on its life. Midway through the book, I started crying.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin?
Gourdgeous.
What do the squirrels do when they are bored ?
watch NutFlix
Why do Swedish battleships have barcodes printed on the sides?
So that when they return to port they can scandinavyin.
What do you call it when worms take over the world? Global Worming.
What do snowmen wear on their heads?
Ice caps.
If there's a will, there's a wave.
A pile of books fall onto Sean Connery's head
He exclaims: "I only have my shelf to blame!"
I hate getting into arguments with farmers about the best methods for keeping crows away.
They always resort to straw man arguments.
What newspaper do cows read?
The Daily Moos.
“Look out for Santa Paws!”
I am still trying to launch beef and cream out of a mushroom cannon. It is not stroganoff.
Have you heard about the movie that involved haunted dairy items? I believe it is called Paranormal Activia.
A balding magician had an act where he'd put a rabbit on his head and make it disappear...
The hare vanished into thin hair.
My friend, while driving through the mountains watching the leaves change: I love the winter. All the naked trees.
Me: Yeah, you can see all their knotty parts.
Q. What do swine use to chat up a date?
A. Pig-Up Lines!
A gang of ravens scared off individual crows and cornered them together. Well, you can say that a conspiracy of ravens preplanned a murder of crows.
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