What do you call a gorilla with a million dollars?
A gorillanaire
My friend asked me how big the ocean is.
I said "can you be more Pacific?"
What do you call a human that's now a cactus?
A transplant.
The price of candy at the movie theater is quite ridiculous. They're always raisinet!
I fell asleep on my phone the other day. It downloaded a nap.
What did the Mexican wrestler say after he ate a taco that was too spicy?
“It’s okay, I’ll just guac it off”
I've been dying to go to Greece on vacation.
But all they serve is bar food.
We are looking pitcher-perfect.
What is a dog’s favorite book?
Harry Paw-ter and the Sorcerer’s Bone.
Where do most koala movie stars live? In Koalawood, Koalafornia, of course!
If we cross lobster bisque and Elon Musk, what we have is a soup-er car
What does a kangaroo do when it gets Covid? Goes to the hop-spittle.
If you’re looking for a job, get trained in horticulture. It’s a growing industry.
What happened when the onion tried to cross the bridge guarded by Gandalf? Gandalf shouted, "You shallot pass this bridge!"
What did the crow decide to dress up as on Halloween? As a scarecrow.
Where do beavers sleep? They sleep on a river bed.
What type of a computer does a horse like to eat? A Macintosh
What did the vampire say to the vampire hunter that missed his heart.
Well wasnt that an unfortunate missed-stake.
I'm reading a book about metal fasteners.
Riveting stuff.
I just built a car out of a washing machine.
I’ll be taking it for a spin later.
How did Poseidon greet the sea monster?
- Hey buddy, what's kraken?
Why did Frosty the snowman want a divorce?
Because he thought his wife was a flake.
What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations? Tinselitis!
What is black, white and dead all over?
A zombie in a tuxedo.
Q: How do mummies hide?
A: They use masking tape
Don’t get me wrong, I love our soccer team. However, in sharp contrast to the albatross, our team doesn’t have two decent wings.
Why was the girl staring at the carton of orange juice?
“It said concentrate.”
I broke my spine in an accident last year. Had a life saving operation to fix my neck which permanently locked my head in place.
Since then I've never looked back.
I hope it doesn’t rain Halloween night.
That would dampen spirits.
Every time I see my vegetable girlfriend, my heart just beet faster.
It’s party thyme.
Which type of nut goes to outer space?
An astro-nut
What do you call it when Satan steals your guacamole?
Playing Devil’s Avocado.
Why did he skeleton go to the barbecue? To get another rib.
The nurse always carried a red pen in her pocket in case she needed to draw blood.
What is the favorite color of onions all around the world? Their favorite color is the o-neon.
What did the llama say when the other llama asked if they wanted to go on holiday?
Alpaca suitcase.
You know, the heart’s the hungriest organ.
It has the heartiest appetite.
On a recent flight, my friend asked me, "If the door suddenly opens, you think we will fall out?
I said, "No, we will still be friends."
Living on Earth might be expensive. But we surely get a free trip around the sun every year!
What do you call a rapper working at Cold Stone? Scoop Dogg.
If you want to wish a 'Merry Christmas' to a strawberry, just say, "Straw-berry Christmas!'"
It's not the cough that carries you off,
it's the coffin they carry you off in!
Sheena leads, Sheila needs.
Where do light bulbs go shopping?
The outlet stores.
Where do water droplets go to settle arguments?
The Supreme Quart.
What do you call a snake who works for the government?
A civil serpent.
What did the storm drain say when it learnt it'd be getting a new cover?
That's just grate.
What do you call a house that likes food? a Condoment!
College-age vampires only ever shop in one place - Forever 21.
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