Got into my car and realized my wife had shut off all the A/C vents.
Definitely not cool.
What color sheet did the ghost wear on the 4th of July? Red, white, and boo.
Where do beavers keep their money? Well, they keep it in the riverbank.
Did you hear about the Pharaoh who was lying in the wrong coffin? He made a grave mistake.
What do you call it when a family passes down a turkey recipe?
Copy and basting.
Do you know how the pineapple feeds her children? She gives them milk from her pinenipples!
What do you get if you cross an apple with a shellfish? A crab apple !
Why are trees such great thieves? They really have sticky fingers.
Why do basketball players love cookies? Because they can dunk them!
"No eggs-cuses."
My mother says: “Leave that peach cobbler alone on the table!” However, I cannot help myself and sneak in to watch it making beautiful peach shoes.
What kind of music do elves listen to?
Wrap music.
"Will you accept this rosé?"
I like New York, unique New York, I like unique New York.
What is the difference between lightning and electricity. For electricity, you need to pay, but
lightning kills for free.”
What did the Atlantic Ocean say to the Pacific Ocean? Nothing, oceans don't talk they just wave!
How can you tell if a tree is older than your mother?
It'll be covered in grandmoss.
If you think the 45 degree ski slope is tough,
Wait until you try the 110 degree hot tub!
Why wasn't the jogger all that bummed out when his girlfriend broke up with him?
'Cause they had a good run.
How does Juliet maintain a constant body temperature? Romeostasis.
How many mosquito's does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only 2, no idea how they got there.
What song was the peach listening to? 'Stronger with Peach Tear'.
Why do Pharaohs never tell dad jokes? Because they are all mummies.
I was souper excited to hear some soup puns for the comic chef - but his performance did not excite miso much.
What do you call a duck with fangs?
Count Duckula.
Why do pirates not know the alphabet?
Because they always get Lost at C (Sea).
When is a pumpkin not a pumpkin? When you drop it; then it's squash!
You are shrimply the best!
What did the painter say to his wife? "I love you with all my art!"
My neighbor said a man walked into my garden and stole my mangoes.
I am wondering where did that mango.
What looks like half a pine tree? The other half.
Why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet?
Because they spend years at C!
What roman never gets any dates?
Hidius
What does Santa bring naughty boys and girls on Christmas Eve? A pack of batteries with a note saying "toy not included".
What do you call a bodybuilder skeleton?
A musculoskeleton.
I’m elf-taught.
Why can't a brain be 12 inches long?
Becuase then it would be a foot.
Eating no meat except fish is really bothersome.
I should stop being a Pesky-tarian.
Where did the garlic clove go to have a few drinks? The Salad Bar!
"I'm not a wino. I'm a wineYES!"
How does a hen leave its house?
Through the eggs-it.
What do you call Bears without ears
B.
Medieval cures...
Were leeches on society
What's the difference between chemistry and cooking
In chemistry you should never lick the spoon.
What do you say when you find the perfect font?
You’re just my type!
I entered my pig into a pig race but he pulled a ham string.
What's slimy cold long and smells like pork? Kermit the frogs finger!
This is one spray-cation to remember.
What do you call a police officer who plays the drums?
A beat cop.
I'd cut the grass but it's against the lawn.
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