Happy Birthday to my best spud….get it? ? Spud…bud? ?
Canada is planning a mission to the moon
They're calling the spaceship the Apollo-G.
Where do dinosaurs get their mail ? At the dead-letter office!
After a long March, April always puts a little spring in my step.
Why do people say "hit the showers"
What did the showers ever do to you?
What do you call the second tissue paper?
Kleenext.
How many tickles does it take to make a squid laugh?
Ten-tickles!
How can you tell which end of a worm is which?
Tickle it in the middle and see which end laughs!
Why did the banana go to see the doctor? The banana was not peeling very well.
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a Spider? A Hare net!
How Rudolf you to say that!
I'm feeling exceptionally alone in this cold weather. It's probably because I'm completely ice-olated.
What's invisible and smells like worms?
Bird farts.
I saw a lion in a bar, trying to pick up a lioness literally half his age
and I'm like "man, you must have *no* pride"
When Lincoln had asked Republican Senator John if he would aid him in capturing Atlanta, he replied, "Sher-man!"
I bought a new heater for my wife.
She didn't like it first, but now I think she's warmed up to it.
The target in soccer is to kick it where it counts.
Q. What do you call gorillaS who just monkey around at the gym?
A. Buff-oons
What do witches put on their bagels?
Scream cheese.
What did the llama say when the other llama asked if they wanted to go on holiday?
Alpaca suitcase.
I always knock on the fridge before opening it.
Just in case there's a salad dressing.
Why are cherries unassuming? Because they often get made into humble pie.
My friend wasn't accepted for a teaching job because he was cross-eyed
They thought he wouldn't be able to control his pupils.
Had to replace all the bulbs in the side table lamps. Then I had to replace the ones in my ceiling fan.
That was the highlight of my day.
What’s the preacher’s favorite fall song? A-maize-ing Grace.
What was the first car Henry Fordasaurus invented? A Model T-Rex.
What is Jack Frost’s favourite mode of transport?
A Tr-Ice-cycle
What is the Easter Bunny's favorite drinking game?
Hop Scotch.
What do alligators call human children?
Appetizers.
I'm a supervillain from Italy, I have the power to infect people with deadly diseases.
It’s-a-me, Malario.
What do you get when you cross a vampire with an ice cube?
You end up with frost bite.
What did the fans say to the band named after a famous chickpea spread?
Hummus a tune.
My wife bought me an expensive umbrella and she’s been holding it over my head ever since.
Why do vampires need cold medicine?
For their coffin.
A prisoner was released from jail, he shouted "Yay I'm free I'm free!" A little boy yelled "So what I'm 4 I'm 4!"
Why are boy keyboards scared of girl keyboards?
They don't want to get qwerties.
Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.
It's half empty.
What is Beethoven doing now?
De-composing.
Why did the pony ask for a glass of water?
Because he felt like he was a little horse.
Everyone knows the Italians invented pizza but few know that it was perfected by French rebels in nazi occupied France during WWII.
It was the pizza de resistance.
When the mama peach found out that his child had failed his class, she was s-peach-less.
What's the Difference Between a Chemist and a Chemical Engineer?
Oh, about $10 K a year.
How did the headless chicken cross the road?
In a KFC bucket.
What type of art do skeletons like?
Skulltures!
I was recently fired from my job operating rides at the carnival
My lawyer has advised suing for funfair dismissal.
What did the tornado say to the sports car?
Let's go for a spin!
Mum, you are my soup-er star.
What must a witty perfume have?
Scents of humor.
Why did the baseball player decide to shut down his website?
It just wasn't getting any hits.
How do bears keep their houses cool in summer?
Bear conditioning.
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