How can you tell a vampire likes baseball? Every night he turns into a bat.
What would you call someone who cheats others while selling milk? A skim artist.
What do they call the Hunger Games in France?
Battle Royale with Cheese.
And speaking of meloncholy, I heard that’s what you get when you cross a watermelon and broccoli.
How do you get into an all glass China cabinet?
Sorry, that's glassified.
I asked my wife what she wanted for Valentine's Day and she told me she wanted a divorce.
I told her I wasn't planning on spending that much.
Why did the cheerleader add extra salt to her food in the summer?
She wanted to do summer-salts.
My dad said he wanted to steal a pumpkin
but all the stores were well-gourded.
“Mr. Jones, I’ve reviewed this case very carefully,” said the divorce court judge, “And I’ve decided to give your wife $300 a week.”
“That’s very fair, your honor,” said the husband.
“I’ll try and send her a few bucks myself every now and then too.”
How do fleas get from place to place?
By itch-hiking.
I tried to come up with a funny theatre joke, but it was all just an act.
Did you hear about the pig that ran the Post Office?
He was the first Porkmaster General.
What is the most sophisticated class of bread?
The upper crust.
My sister said I would never be able to make a beach pun.
Is seashore about that?
As a nurse, I have a patient who is very rude...
He's ill-mannered.
What should you do if a car is annoying you.
Give the car a head rest.
Why don’t alligators watch movies?
Because they live in swamps.
There was a recent study showing that crows were hit a lot more by trucks than cars...
they came to the conclusion that this was because crows can warn each other by going "CAAAR CAAAR" but can't say "TRUCK TRUCK".
What did the florist say when it was springtime?
Business is blooming!
Why don’t rabbits get hot in the summertime? They have hare conditioning!
What would you get if you crossed a turkey with an evil spirit? A poultrygeist!
When were rock puns the funniest?
During the stone age.
Why didn't the artist replace his kitchen sink? Because he said that if it's not baroque, don't fix it.
What did the generous mole say when people crashed his party?
The mole the merrier
Laundry puns?
I got loads of them.
I wonder who invented the air conditioner...
Must’ve been a pretty cool guy.
What happened when the kid got confused with beavers and coypus in the exam? He said, " I otter know better."
Why were the volleyball players always tying in tic tac toe? Each time one of them sets an X, the other player just says O.
What do you call an explosive horse?
Neigh-palm.
Where do hippos go to university? Hippocampus.
What do you call someone who only eats tiny bits of other people?
A cannibble.
Why is ice cream so bad at tennis?
They have a soft serve.
When a dinosaur gets a goal in a soccer tournament, it is known as a dino-score.
What do you call the onions which are small and yellow and very naughty? You call it a minonion!
Why is a baby showing the top of its head during labor a significant event?
Because that’s the baby’s crowning achievement.
I had a dream the ocean was filled with orange soda
It was a Fanta sea.
When is the course too wet to play golf?
When your golf cart capsizes.
Did you hear that Mexicans created a machine that dispenses fish?
They call it a pez dispenser.
What do you call a worm that chews up power cords? An electro-maggot.”
What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven? Angel food cake, of course!
Why did the skeleton start the fight?
He had a bone to pick.
My son just tried to tell me a joke about pumpkins.
Oh, gourd, was it awful.
Never criticize a gun owner until you've walked a mile in his shoes
That way he'll be barefoot and you'll be out of range.
You were mauled by a gang of squirrels. You want to sue them but no lawyer wants to take your case. Why?
They think you are nuts.
What did the giant say to Jack when he caught him sneaking around his castle?
"Have you bean stalking me?"
What did the lobsterman say when his crate turned up empty?
It a-piers we have a problem.
Wife: would you get me those two cans from the top shelf?
Me: I don't see any toucans in here.
Did you hear about the guy who got his left arm and left leg cut off?
That’s okay, he’s all-right now!
I don't like clouds. They're always throwing shade.
What did the deer order to drink at the bar?
Ice cold deer.
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