Q. Why can't computers play tennis?
A. They try to surf the net.
Which day of the week do chickens hate most?
Fry-Day.
Why do we tell actors to “break a leg”?
Because every play needs a cast.
My father and grandfather work for the DMV.
I come from a long line of long lines.
Always think hard before you get married because on one hand you have a cool ring but on the other hand you don’t.
What do you call an unpredictable, out of control photographer? A loose Canon.
Why isn’t there an organization like Chocoholics Anonymous?
Because nobody wants to quit.
A week after the werewolf swallowed the farmer’s clock, it had ticks all over.
What has a spiked tail, plates on its back, and sixteen wheels? A Stegosaurus on roller skates!
Dance music can be traced back to medieval times when a farmer dropped some heavy beets.
If you're keen on stunning kites and cunning stunts,
buy a cunning stunning stunt kite.
When the chef asked which ingredients were missing in the signature dish, someone said quickly, ‘u-need-corn’.
The artist shouldn't have taken that sculpture for granite, now it's stone-cold.
I was gonna make some car puns...
but I ran out of gas.
If there was to be a beauty contest bringing together all the beautiful mushrooms on the face of the earth, the porta-bella mushroom would carry the day.
I recently got offered a job studying fog but I turned it down.
Looking back, I now think it was a mist opportunity.
Q. How do the doe and stag open the entry to their vacation cabin in the woods?
A. They just turn the deer knob.
I’m very frond of you.
Who invented the Round Table?
Sir Cumference.
I don't like clouds. They're always throwing shade.
What chord does jesus play on guitar?
Gsus
My Ex-wife called me to tell me my son was arrested for setting a house on fire. I corrected her saying...
Arson.
Why did it take dad an hour to choose which skin cream to buy?
He didn't want to make a rash decision.
What do you feed a 700 pound gorilla?
Just give him anything he wants and then run.
What do you call an alligator who is holding a compass?
A navigator.
How do you know if it's too hot in the chicken barn?
The chickens are laying hard-boiled eggs.
Dracula really doesn't have any other vampire friends. It's because he's a total pain in the neck.
What did the snail say to the other who had hit him and run off? I'll get you next slime!
I'm going to discuss global warming on Sunday at a debate. It's a very heated topic.
Q: Why did the tiger cross the road?
A: To stop the zebra crossing.
“Statistically…. 9 out of 10 injections are in vein.”
I was thinking of making an investment on a new farming venture that feeds marijuana to cows instead of grass.
The steaks will be too high for sure.
Never trust a flamingo unless you can be sure it has fully fledged ideas.
Rivers are...
the original streaming service.
Why did the shark spit out the clown? Because he tasted funny.
How does a pineapple answer the phone? “Yel-low?”
How do you get two whales in a car?
Start in England and drive west.
What do you get if you cross a lobster with a telephone?
A snappy talk.
I always knock on the fridge before opening it.
Just in case there's a salad dressing.
What do you call an ant who can see into the future?
Clairvoy-ant.
What did the ocean say to the pirate?
Nothing, it just waved!
Did the dinosaur take a bath ? Why, is there one missing?
What is blood's message to the world? B POSITIVE.
How does Big Foot find his way through the deepest darkest forests?
He just follows the big footpath!
Which bus went from Spain to America?
Columbus
Why did the sloth get fired from his job? He would only do the BEAR minimum.
What happened when the Easter Bunny met the rabbit of his dreams? They lived hoppily ever after.
I imagine eventually there will be a day when we have a WiFi hotspot on Mt. Everest.
Only then will we reach peak internet.
What do you get if you cross a ski instructor and a vampire?
Frostbite.
The bread actor was sad because he lost a juicy roll.
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