What do birds like to put in their soup? Crow-tons.
A truck carrying Lego got into an accident on the motorway. No one knows what happened; the authorities are still trying to piece everything together.
Being a soprano is a great opera tunity.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Walnut.
Walnut who?
I walnut tell you. It’s a secret.
What did the cheese call himself after he got dumped?
Forever provolone.
A mosquito was trying to land on my arm.
I shook it and said:
"Not on my watch."
Strawberries are the most bullied of the fruits.
They're always getting picked on.
What do you get if you cross a chicken with an alarm?
An alarm cluck.
What’s long, green and goes hith?
A snake with a lisp.
When is Monday coming?
MonSoon!
What do you call an ant who doesn’t smell anymore?
Deodor-ant.
Did you hear about that music composer who committed suicide? He didn't even leave a note.
How do nurses and doctors keep people from lying about their medical history?
They use the de-FIB-rillator.
I only need a prescription for like half of my kitchen cabinets.
The rest are over the counter
A dragon would never explode
But a dino might.
My vaccine dad joke failed.
But it was worth a shot.
What must the Oregon football team do before each play?
Get all of their ducks in a row.
I was attacked by a group of mimes.
They did unspeakable things to me.
A student holds a gun to his English teacher. "Give me all your money or you're geography!"
"You mean history."
"Don't change the subject!"
Why can’t skeletons play church music?
Because they have no organs.
I don't agree with battery hens.
Surely they'd lay bigger eggs if they were plugged into the mains.
Why did the blonde throw her favorite doll on the grill? She thought it was a Barbie-Q.
Did you hear about the girl who put gorilla glue in her hair?
Her stupidity knew no bonds
What pickup line can you use to pick up a cheese lover?
“Are you cheddar? ‘Cause you’re lookin’ sharp!”
I think my heater is sick.
It's hot.
Fred is so condescending about my tennis strokes. I can’t take any more of his backhanded compliments.
The ruddy widow really wants ripe watermelon and red roses when winter arrives.
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad to see me?
What did the skeleton say to the French soldier? Bone Jaw
What is a golfer’s worst nightmare?
The Bogeyman.
My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “It’s not working. I can’t take it any more. I’m going to my mom’s.”
I opened the fridge door, the light came on, the beer was cold. What the hell did she mean?
Why won’t the mushroom buy a couch? - He prefers toadstools.
Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak
Bowlers pay a lot of money to play. This is because it is a bum per lane.
What do you call a waffle laying on a beach?
Sandy eggo.
The ref keeps shafting us the offsides; I think he's blue lyin'.
Live to tell the tail.
Did you know that humans started out as peas? That's why we're called homosa-pea-ns.
What does a pizza wear to smell good?
Calzogne.
What happened after the conifer fell in love at the orchard? A pineapple tree.
If a wine connoisseur is called a sommelier then a perfume connoisseur should be called a smellier.
Why did the coffee file a police report?
Because it was mugged.
A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97
So he rounded them up.
What kind of bean never grows in a garden? A jelly bean!
He knew literally everything about the constellations. Some might even say that his knowledge of the night sky was astronomical.
How does a robot eat it’s guacamole?
Microchips.
What do you call a big fish that makes you an offer you can’t refuse?
The Codfather.
When a doctor doctors a doctor, does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor as the doctor being doctored wants to be doctored or does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor as he wants to doctor?
Why do wookies love chocolate chip cookies? Because they are chewy.
I'm not the fig plucker,
nor the fig plucker's son,
but I'll pluck figs
till the fig plucker comes.
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