Are you a needle? Because you are sew special to me.
A guy was storing all the facial hair since he was young and had created a huge pile.
When his wife told him to get rid of it, he said "no, it's a must stash".
What do you find when you swallow peas whole?
Inner peas
What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
Frosted Flakes.
What do you call Batman when he is injured?
Bruised Wayne.
My cranium is empty. I'm running bone-dry here.
What do witches put on their hair? Scare spray.
“Mom, what do we have for this dinner?” – “I cannot tell you. It is a little soup-prise, son!”
A quadriplegic man became famous playing beautiful piano classics with only his nose, ears, chin, and forehead.
Before going on stage to perform, his tour manager would say, "Alright John. It's time to face the music."
Feeling cold? Go stand in the corner. It’s 90 degrees.
Why does the river have problems remembering things?
Because she is becoming sea nile.
There’s a new dish out; it’s a cross between a cake and a bird. They call it a Flan-ingo.
How tall is a spider?
Eight foot.
Q: How do clouds keep in touch with each other?
A: Using sky-pe.
What a werewolf movie, talk about howling!
So, if I heat my solid state hard drive until it becomes a gaseous state hard drive
Would that mean I'm doing cloud computing?
Why can't elephants use computers?
Because they're scared of the mouse.
When my father complained to my mother for never picking or dropping me at school, she looked at him and said, "You are the master of drag and drop, my love". He's an IT specialist...
My girlfriend and I saw an inflatable gorilla In front of a jacuzzi store
She asked me why they would do that for a jacuzzi store. I told her it was a guerilla tactic. She was not impressed.
What happened when the dog ate a firefly?
He smiled with de-light
What did the husband say when his wife told him he bought the wrong flowers?
"Oopsie daisy!"
What is a bat’s favorite dessert?
Pineapple upside-down cake.
I don’t know if I got hit by freezing rain but it sure hurt like hail.
How will you make the earth clean? By giving it a meteor shower.
What do you get when you put four ducks in a box?
A box of quackers.
Why did the ghost go to the bar? To get some boos.
Why do zebras have stripes?
Because they don't want to be spotted.
What does the visual system use to play basketball?
Eyeballs.
I went to see my Doctor this morning and told him "The tablets you gave me to stop me shrinking aren't working".
He said, “You'll just have to be a little patient then”.
What happened to the shark who swallowed a bunch of keys?
It got lockjaw.
What is the lesser-known sport used to measure a horse’s singing ability?
Carol racing.
For my girlfriend's birthday I got her a dwarfish clown who told jokes...
It wasn't a great gift, but she appreciated the jester.
How much does a corn flake weigh?
1 Kelloggram.
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her off her feet.
What were middle-aged parents called in medieval times? Middle-aged parents.
How do pigs write top secret messages?
With invisible oink!
What did the astronaut cook for lunch? An unidentifiable frying object.
Which ghost is the best dancer? The Boogie Man!
What did an angry donut say to his wife?
Donut talk to me.
Who gives sharks presents on Christmas?
Santa Jaws.
We all know that rooms are just empty spaces, and no one can even dream of making a delicacy out of them. The only room is the mushroom.
What do gnome mothers often say to their naughty children? Wait till your father gets gnome.
When it comes to board games about buying real estate, Hasbro has a monopoly…
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two...
Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, “Is the bar tender here?”
What kind of party is held in a cornfield?
A cornball!
What do you call a beaver with a bad attitude who acts lazy? A beaver that doesn’t give a dam.
Grandma runs the kitchen like a turtle-tarian; give her some space there.
Woman turned down the marriage proposal of a gardener. She wasn't ready to shear her life with him.
I now pronounce you husband and wifi
You may kiss the bride goodbye.
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