The bowl of soup you bought yesterday from the Chinese restaurant was souper terrible.
I asked the kids to pickup the dog poo out the back
They did a crap job.
What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.
Which channels do the asteroids like to watch? The comet-y channel.
Onions are unable to store water inside them because there is always a leek.
Can linesmen enter the Hall of Fame? Yes, because they decide who's HOFside.
What soup killed Rob Stark? Italian Wedding Massacre.
What ingredient is essential when baking a Star Wars cake?
Bicarbonate of Yoda
I almost got in trouble because I tried to talk to someone in the same room as me over the phone...
...It was a close call.
Panda ghosts love to eat bam-boo.
Having a ball this weekend with my best friends
My dog went on his first date.
But she was a mal-TEASE.
Did you hear about the pick-up artist who only ever wears green leaves on his head? Yeah, he’s definitely a pineapple smoothie.
I didn't know WiFi stood for Wireless Fidelity.
I guess I just didn't get the connection.
What do you say to a pensive flower?
A peony for your thoughts?
If man’s bet friend is a dog, would a unicorns best friend be a corn dog?
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth today
Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent.
What is a tornado's favorite movie? Gone With the Wind!
Why didn’t Bob drink a glass of water with 8 pieces of ice in it?
It was too cubed.
How did the pine propose to the apple? With a pineapple ring.
I was only taught 22 letters of the alphabet.
I don't know Y TBH.
Man: "I’ve had really bad gas lately." Doctor: D"on’t worry, it will pass."
I saw a show where all the man did was sit on the toilet.
It was a s**tshow.
What type of fish do two sodium atoms make?
2Na.
Give me some pigskin
My brother sprayed on some of his new deodorant. "How do I smell?" He asked.
"With your nose" I replied.
Flat-Earthers hate the fact our planet is spherical, whereas Asgard is flat.
It's a Thor subject for them.
How are guys just like coffee?
The best ones are rich, hot, and can keep you up all night!
Did you know you can hear blood flowing close to the skin?
You just have to listen varicosely.
How do the New England Patriots eat their soup? In a Super Bowl.
What do you call a cold dog sitting on a rabbit? A chili dog on a bun!
I only like smooth leather
and my opinion will never be suede.
What is the charge for beating someone with a bottle of olive oil and a can of chick peas ?
Attempted Hummus-ide.
My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.
More on this after the break.
What is fruity and burns?
The grape fire of London.
My dad told me to finish his bird painting. He painted the head, torso and legs.
To be honest, I just winged it.
A tree toad loved a she-toad,
Who lived up in a tree.
He was a three-toed tree toad,
But a two-toed toad was she.
The three-toed tree toad tried to win,
The two-toed she-toad's heart,
For the three-toed tree toad loved the ground,
That the two-toed tree toad trod.
But the three-toed tree toad tried in vain.
He couldn't please her whim.
From her tree toad bower,
With her two-toed power,
The she-toad vetoed him.
How can you tell if you are looking at a police glow worm? it has a blue light.
I'm Going to Host a Boat Race.
The winner will get pasta. It will be called the Penne Regatta.
Why did St. Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?
It was too expensive to fly and too long to walk.
Why are parrots the life of the party? Every day is their bird-day!
Werewolf Weather Furcast: Tomorrow we expect heavy showers.
Why did Wonder Woman rescue the Wine?
Because that's what grape lady superheroes do!
What's the difference between England and a tea bag? The tea bag stays in the cup longer.
Looking for a boyfriend in engineering: the odds are good, but the goods are odd.
If a wine connoisseur is called a sommelier then a perfume connoisseur should be called a smellier.
Your love is like vodka.
You were worth the chase.
My wife chose a new dining table with a metal frame instead of a wooden one
I complimented her on picking an unteak.
How does a hen leave its house?
Through the eggs-it.
Why are geologists great dates?
They can make your bedrock.
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