Why is grass so dangerous? Because it is full of blades!
What do you do if you get attacked by a killer clowns?
Go for the jugular.
I mashed a few mangoes, pineapples, melons, strawberries, and grapes into a pot. Served the mash to guests visiting my place.
Called the dish, Mea Pulpa.
What do you call an elephant with an aerial on his head?
An elephant-enna.
What Do Ducks Have With Soup?
Quackers
What happens when you look up geology jokes? You know you've hit rock bottom!
How can you tell the difference between a monster and a banana? Try picking it up. If you can't, it's either a monster or a giant banana.
What do chess players from the Czech Republic call their friends?
Czech-mates.
I hate being married to a microwave
Every time I give her my two cents she blows up
After making love the other night, I told my husband that I love when the whispers sweet things in my ear...
So my hubby leaned in close and whispered... "Syrup."
What do you call a gorilla who has been locked up in prison?
A kong-vict
Why did the pumpkin pie go to a dentist?
Because it needed a filling.
I burnt my Hawaiian pizza.
I should have used aloha temperature.
Cut a piece of poo into three pieces today.
Now I have turds.
Where do school-going vampires carry their books?
In bat-packs.
If fish is a type of brain food, then dumb people probably love eating noodle soup.
My parents always brought me up to believe the sky's the limit.
Which was a shame because I wanted to be an astronaut.
Which month can’t make a decision?
MAY-be.
Why is a baby showing the top of its head during labor a significant event?
Because that’s the baby’s crowning achievement.
“He was wheeled into the operating room, and then had a change of heart.”
Why did the squirrel take apart the classic car?
To get down to the nuts and bolts.
Skier: Doc, I think I'm addicted to skiing at Loveland Ski Are
Shrink: You may be going down a slippery slope. Do you feel a divide?
When it comes to seasonal drinks, more and more are converting to the church of pumpkin spice,
but I choose to remain eggnogstic.
A tennis ball walks into a bar.
The bar man asks: “have you been served?”
How do zombies introduce themselves?
- Pleased to eat you.
What has leaves, is green and a trunk? A houseplant heading on vacation.
I beg your garden?
This Halloween, the only Candy I’m interersted in swings from a pole and has daddy issues
Did you hear about the guy who fell into the industrial cake mixer?
He's feeling much batter now.
My dad was complaining he’d lost a sock after doing his laundry
Me: It’s a sacrifice to the dryer gods.
My dad: It’s a sockrifice.
You hear about the werewolf who majored in philosophy?
Now he's a whywolf
I was serving my friend a roast in my tiny shoebox apartment. He boasted that he could cook the same dish in a mere two hours...
But I cooked it in a minute flat.
Have you ever been on a party boat?
It’s a Yacht of fun.
Those soldiers thought they could blow up that submarine with their bomb...
but they needed to sea mine.
The soup was too spicy to be had by us. It was the borscht soup I had ever had.
Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake? Because it's too hard to put them on the bottom!
The Azteca Stadium in Mexico has been so neglectfully maintained that there are foot-long grasses on the pitch. Now we call it the Grass-teca Stadium.
Was talking to a record producer at the urinals the other day...
Next thing you know I had a number one on my hands.
For my birthday, my kids got me an alarm clock that swears at you instead of beeping.
That was quite a rude awakening.
What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.
Why was the doctor so paranoid?
He worked in the ICU.
“I love when candy canes are in mint condition.”
What's green and sings? Elvis Parsley.
My Ex Girlfriend stole my Hummus.
I told that chick, peace
What type of toilet paper does the math house have?
Multiply.
Why did the aging bread roll retire?
Her career was already toast.
Why do workers at the dairy factory always need a charger? Their milk is stuck at 1%.
How do you make a dinosaur float? Put a scoop of ice cream in a glass of root beer, and add one dinosaur.
How do ski instructors get to work?
By icicle.
A fly fell down out of nowhere on my wrist
It died on my watch.
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