A trip to Ireland is quite a cliffhanger.
What did one skeleton wrestler say to the other?
You better watch out for my special move. It will verta-break your back!
Which music group really embodied the fake it until you make it mantra?
The Pretenders.
I pitcher us together forever.
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I'd like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
What do you call a baby potato? Tater tots!
Did you know Stephen King has a son named Joe?
I’m not joking, but he is.
What happened when the Easter Bunny met the rabbit of his dreams? They lived hoppily ever after.
What did the flower say when he wanted a second chance?
I’ll grow on you.
For Halloween I'm going to dress as a donkey with a kilt
I'm going to be an ascot
Today, my pastor started talking to the drum set during his sermon.
Boy did I appreciate the cymbal-ism
What do you call a dog that likes to dig up bones?
A barkeologist.
What is a baker’s favorite type of icing?
Fawn-dant.
What do you call an immature goat?
A silly billy.
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, do you believe in love at first sight, or should I go around this chairlift again?
Why do Christians in Japan always put an extra cup at the table?
For God's sake.
What kind of underwear do monkeys wear?
Chimpantsies.
During the medieval time period, there weren't many extremely bad people. There were only mid-evil people during that age.
I stopped eating pea soup. I gave it up for lentil.
My pet turtle died.
I'm not upset - just shell-shocked.
What do you call a kangaroo who watches too much TV?
A pouch potato.
What do you call a cherry that is hard as nails? Tough as old fruits.
She was a little hesitant to try the new caramel flavor, but she decided to give it a shot, anyway.
What is at the end of a rainbow?
The letter W.
I was driving through the safari park when my sat nav said “bear left”. It was clearly a zebra.
Subway - Lettuce know how we did.
I saved the exact location of my toilet on my computer.
It's labelled as my 'I Pee' address.
My aunt showed up to our Halloween party wearing ranch bottle costume. She was an hour late.
Her response: Sorry, I was getting dressed.
Did you hear about the new Wifi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.
Why is Frankenstein always asking for help?
He’s looking for someone to give him a hand.
What did the bartender say when he saw oxygen, hydrogen, sulfur, sodium and phosphorous enter his barroom? OH SnaP!
Who brings the monsters their babies?
Frankenstork.
What mouse was a Roman emperor? Julius Cheeser!
How are a car and a bicycle similar?
“You can’t make watermelon juice out of either of them.”
A pile of books fall onto Sean Connery's head
He exclaims: "I only have my shelf to blame!"
Why didn't Cleopatra confess that she loved Julius Caesar?
Because she lived in the Nile
What do you get when you cross a turkey with a banjo? A turkey that can pluck itself!
Our backstage manager is leaving at the end of the year. He has been an outstanding member of our theatre team.
Props to him.
Why was the sedimentary rock so cheap?
It was always on shale.
How do the New England Patriots eat their soup? In a Super Bowl.
How did the hipster drown?
He ice-skated before it was cool.
What did the Power Ranger say after being sent to the hospital?
It's morphine time.
What does a pizza wear to smell good?
Calzogne.
The tiger asked his longtime friend, "Will you be my tigerlfriend."
My dad told me to finish his bird painting. He painted the head, torso and legs.
To be honest, I just winged it.
What did the banker want from the baker?
To pump her nickels.
What happened when the semi-colon broke grammar laws?
He was given two consecutive sentences.
A dangerous surge of electricity walks into a bar. The barman says, why the long phase?”
My heart is like an onion...
I'm never getting a discount organ transplant again
I made a playlist for hiking. It has music from Peanuts, The Cranberries, and Eminem.
I call it my Trail Mix.
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