5 years ago today I asked my childhood sweetheart, my best friend, and the most beautiful woman in the world to marry me.
All three said No!
One should always practice what they peach.
How does a pirate communicate? With his aye phone.
How does Italy execute its criminals?
Guidotine.
What do beavers like to put on their salads?
Branch dressing.
The shark and the computer are so alike. They both have and use their megabytes.
I was visiting my dear old Grandpa the other day when he said to me, "Let me give you a bit of advice. You can't make an omelette..."
"Without breaking eggs?" I finished for him.
"No. You can't make an omelette," he said, as he scraped it into the bin.
I told my son to go find out what "nada" means in english
But he came back with nothing
What do the peanuts and walnuts have in common? They are both nuts.
Why did the monkey like the banana?
Because it had appeal.
Why are vampire families always so close knit?
Because blood is thicker than water.
Why are two parrots better than one? One parrot can't carry a coconut, but toucan!
What's the difference between a Roman and an Irish Catholic?
The strength of the communion wine.
How many limbs does an alligator have?
It all depends on what he ate for lunch, dinner and breakfast.
Why should you avoid discussing coffee around sensitive people?
It can lead to a really heated, strong debate.
Her name is Carly and she's a doctor
maybe I should C A Rly good doctor.
Potatoes have skin. I have skin. Ergo, I am a potato
What do deer doctors specialise in? Hart surgery!
How does Big Foot find his way through the deepest darkest forests?
He just follows the big footpath!
My friend, while driving through the mountains watching the leaves change: I love the winter. All the naked trees.
Me: Yeah, you can see all their knotty parts.
I caught my sister click and post a picture of the soupy noodles yesterday. She was actively instagramen.
I've finally worked out why Spain is so good at football
Nobody expects the Spanish in position.
What do you get if you put kisses in a blender?
A Smoochie.
How is a dog and a marine biologist alike? One wags a tail and the other tags a whale.
What do snakes do after they have a fight?
Hiss and make up.
How do werewolves stop a video?
They press the paws button.
What do you call a cow on the barnyard floor? Ground Beef What do you call a cow with no front legs? Lean Beef
What’s the only thing divorce proves?
Whose mother was right in the first place.
What is an outlet’s favorite song?
I’ve Got The Power.
What do you call a dog that’s been left outside in the cold?
A chili dog.
My cranium is empty. I'm running bone-dry here.
Birdie birdie in the sky laid a turdie in my eye.
If cows could fly I'd have a cow pie in my eye.
They can’t read it, it’s on a need-to-gnome basis.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Butter.
Butter who?
I butter nut tell you.
What happens when and ice cube gets angry?
It boils with anger, then lets off some steam.
I was driving along the motorway one day when a truck in front of me shed its load of cabbage. Never slaw that coming.
My friend was going to a painting competition, so I wished him, "Grey the force be with you".
Did you hear about the notebook who married a pencil? She finally found Mr. Write.
What key has legs and can't open doors? A Turkey.
Pardon me if I’m being pool-itically incorrect.
In a conversation between one pin and another, one said, “Let us never split.”
What do you call a girl watermelon cop on the beat? A water fe-melon duty.
Why did the butchers meating end soon? Because one of them started beef.
Why did the troll go running?
To keep up with you!
Did you hear about the pear that fell off of the tree and fell to its death?
The damage was irreparable.
What did the baby cloud say to its mum when it rained? Sorry, mum, I couldn't hold it any longer.
What did the first thunderstorm of the year say?
Hail to the spring!
Why did the students eat their homework? Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.
Q. Where do gorillas get their gossip?
A. From the grapevine.
Whenever I feel like wining, I remind myself to put a cork in it.
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