Why did the electricity documentary get such mixed reviews?
People weren’t sure how to feel after it’s shocking ending.
What did the old urinal cake say to the new one?
"Oh boy, first day? Urine for a treat."
Was arguing with a friend in a restaurant recently when the waiter ran over and took the plate of garlic bread and the coleslaw. I wish he’d stop taking sides.
I love walking my neighbor’s dog. It’s the leashed I can do.
Someone threw a jar of mayo at me
I yelled what the Hellmann?!
An American guy visits a friend in Scotland.
When he arrives at his friend's house, he asks "Can I use your Wifi?"
The friend looks a bit perplexed, but then he smiles and says, "Sure ye can, she's up th' stairs."
What would be one of the worst crimes to commit if you were a sheep living in the medieval times?
Muttiny
Why shouldn't you shop at the Banana Republic? Because the employees look like a bunch of dicks.
Why shouldn’t you grab a werewolf by its tail?
It might be the werewolf’s tail but it could be the end of you!
Elves usually make fantastic listeners since they happen to be all ears.
Which is the coolest football team in Italy?
AC Milan.
What did the lamp say to the flickering candle?
"Do you want to go out sometime soon?"
Who is a geologist’s favorite band?
The Rolling Stones.
This Halloween, the only Candy I’m interersted in swings from a pole and has daddy issues
What do you call a guy with no arms and legs lying on a pile of leaves?
Russle.
Why did the cat run away from the tree? Because of its bark!
Dark-colored huskies found in Colorado can also be termed as dusky huskies!
How do you know when your dog is lazy?
When it chases parked cars.
Why did the man bring a gun to the clock factory?
To kill some time.
I handed my dad a calculator for his birthday. with a dissapointed scowl on his face, he asked me: "Wheres the pi?"
Why is peanut butter a bad secret keeper? Because it tends to spread it and not keep it.
How can you tell the difference between a monster and a banana? Try picking it up. If you can't, it's either a monster or a giant banana.
I wish medusa would stop objectifying people.
I was thinking of making an investment on a new farming venture that feeds marijuana to cows instead of grass.
The steaks will be too high for sure.
Why did the pig kill the farmer? To save his own bacon.
What do witches in Australia ride?
Broomerangs.
Dad: How does a farmer keep his cows in line?
Kids: How?
Dad: He keeps them a-cow-ntable!
Why did the burglar break into the bakery? A; Because he heard the cakes were rich.
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.
What is black, purple, blue, yellow and white?
Sugilite, sardonyx and opal all fighting over a gumball.
Why are trees the best frenemies? They are great at throwing shade.
What kind of writer did the ghost hire to write his biography? A ghostwriter, duh.
Why are watermelons, such good entrepreneurs?
“They always have seed money.”
A chap goes to see the doctor with salt on one ear and pepper on the other. The doctor says, “You need to start eating more sensibly”.
What did the ground say to the earthquake? You crack me up!
What’s the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?
Alligators will see you later, crocodiles in a while.
Saw a great offer on cheese in Tesco today!
It was buy one get one brie.
How much ground would a groundhog hog, if a groundhog could hog ground? A groundhog would hog all the ground he could hog, if a groundhog could hog ground.
What do snakes do when they get angry?
They throw hissy fits.
Did you hear about the artist that has been drawing very small, colorful noodles?
He drew an itsy, bitsy, teeny-weeny, yellow, polka dot linguini.
Pan wants to lead his kind to rebellion, but...
He can't get no Satyr Faction.
Did you hear about the battery and the volleyball who got into a fight? The volleyball is waiting to go to church and the battery was charged.
The Queen of the Nile was said to always show a bit of leg...
but Nefertiti.
Who is Frosty’s favorite Aunt?
Aunt Artica!
Why do computers make such bad boxers?
Their bark is worse than their byte.
A team of mushrooms was playing basketball against a team of cabbages. The mushrooms won. Everyone cheered for the champignons.
I love having dinner in a local restaurant. It has a soup-erb speciality that mixes soup and herbs.
Why did the bat look for a job?
She was tired of hanging around.
As I put the car in reverse, I thought to myself:
"This really takes me back".
I’m icing the kicker – and by kicker, I mean beer.
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