What is the favourite food of the Egyptian god? It is the Ramen.
What do cats eat on hot days?
Mice cream.
What did one sea monster say to the other sea monster when they started their new jobs as sewer inspectors?
- It’s going to be a Nessie job, but let’s get Kraken!
"I like a man that can pull off facial hair."
I think your supposed to use a razor.
How do you know if there’s a snowman in your bed?
You wake up wet!
Q: What do you call a weatherman who farts while he pees?
A. Rain with a little wind and thunder.
The student asked the teacher, “Cashew a question?”, and the teacher replied, “Nut now”.
Which dinosaur can't stay out of the rain? A Stegosaur-rust
What bat was called an invader?
Bat-talina.
What do you call a gnome priest?
A compact disc.
Why are wooden hard drives so bad?
They're all bark and no byte.
The bartender told the ghost they don't serve spirits after midnight.
Los Angeles International Airport should sell their own brand of laxatives called LAXatives.
Why should you never eat the fish in France?
Because it's poisson.
What kind tree grows chickens?
Poultry.
Why did the banana go to see the doctor? The banana was not peeling very well.
What is a lion’s favorite cheese?
Roarquefort.
What did the grouchy mushroom say to the loud mushroom? - Put a cap on it.
The fiance and I were looking at frames for our wedding photos. My wife couldn't take her eyes off the smaller one, but I wanted the larger one. So I told her,
"Honey, you need to look at the bigger picture."
What type of diet did the snowman go on?
The Meltdown Diet.
What is Beethoven doing now?
De-composing.
My wife wanted to plant flowers
Problem is she hasn’t botany.
Would they get two minutes for tripping?
Not if they spliff the defence.
We have a great connection since you’re wifi-material.
How did the shark plead in its murder trial?
Not gill-ty.
This is a taco and burrito conversation.
Nachos.
Please stop making jokes about little people
How would you feel if a bunch of giants made jokes about you?
What do you get if you try to cross a mouse with a skunk? Dirty looks from the mouse!
What do mountain climbers share around the campfire?
Goat Stories!
What do you call a wasp who is having a bad hair day?
A frizz-bee
5 years ago today I asked my childhood sweetheart, my best friend, and the most beautiful woman in the world to marry me.
All three said No!
One should always practice what they peach.
How does a pirate communicate? With his aye phone.
How does Italy execute its criminals?
Guidotine.
What do beavers like to put on their salads?
Branch dressing.
The shark and the computer are so alike. They both have and use their megabytes.
I was visiting my dear old Grandpa the other day when he said to me, "Let me give you a bit of advice. You can't make an omelette..."
"Without breaking eggs?" I finished for him.
"No. You can't make an omelette," he said, as he scraped it into the bin.
I told my son to go find out what "nada" means in english
But he came back with nothing
What do the peanuts and walnuts have in common? They are both nuts.
Why did the monkey like the banana?
Because it had appeal.
Why are vampire families always so close knit?
Because blood is thicker than water.
Why are two parrots better than one? One parrot can't carry a coconut, but toucan!
What's the difference between a Roman and an Irish Catholic?
The strength of the communion wine.
How many limbs does an alligator have?
It all depends on what he ate for lunch, dinner and breakfast.
Why should you avoid discussing coffee around sensitive people?
It can lead to a really heated, strong debate.
Her name is Carly and she's a doctor
maybe I should C A Rly good doctor.
Potatoes have skin. I have skin. Ergo, I am a potato
What do deer doctors specialise in? Hart surgery!
How does Big Foot find his way through the deepest darkest forests?
He just follows the big footpath!
My friend, while driving through the mountains watching the leaves change: I love the winter. All the naked trees.
Me: Yeah, you can see all their knotty parts.
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