What do you get when you cross an alligator and a poison frog?
A croakadile.
What if the earth was both round and flat?
Would it be called cylindearth?
What would you call a familiar scent?
Nose-talgic.
I think there's something wrong with the cactus I'm growing...
But I can't put my finger on it.
I miss the old days of railway when the engineer had plenty of esteem.
I went to Oxford University, where I was a philosophy major and the starting goalkeeper on the football team.
They called me Soccertes.
What does a mountain often do at its daily meal? It avalunch.
my buddy’s sad after getting fired from taco bell, so being a caring friend i asked if he wanted to
taco bout it?
What do you call a talkative drink? Chai Tea.
What's the best hairstyle for a gun?
Bangs.
I got canned from a Orange juice factory...
Just couldn't concentrate.
What type of football player is the biggest drug addict?
The lineman.
Hermit crabs’ house phones were always shell phones
My two pet crabs have very different personalities. One is always in a good mood, but the other can be a bit of a grump.
Their names are crabA and crabB
What do we call a flock of sheep that tumbles down a mountain? They are called a lamb-slide.
What did the hummus say to the pita bread when he got sick?
I falafel.
Invest in grills!
They're hot steakholders!
Who’s the penguin’s favorite Aunt?
Aunt-Arctica.
My friend is always trying to make cows nervous. She's a fan of milkshakes.
My dog is sad after eating her favorite fruit and getting wet from the juice.
She's a watered melancholy watermelon collie.
Golf is a lot like taxes:
You go for the green and wind up in the hole.
Police arrested a man who dropped his phone in the ocean. The was charged with a salt in battery.
I got 5 packs of deodorant for a nickel.
Deodorant is a scent.
"Let's get fizzical. Pass the prosecco."
How do you call clothings for spoons?
Silverwear
What is a bunny’s motto? Don’t be mad, be hoppy!
My wife told me: “You’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!”...
so I turned on the closed captioning.
How much do you love rainbows? Just a skittle bit.
Why are pickles in sandwiches always so polite?
They're well-bread.
Why did the thieves kidnap the monkey?
Because they believed in gibbon take.
What do you get if you cross a snake and a pig?
A boar constrictor.
The bowl of soup you bought yesterday from the Chinese restaurant was souper terrible.
I asked the kids to pickup the dog poo out the back
They did a crap job.
What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.
Which channels do the asteroids like to watch? The comet-y channel.
Onions are unable to store water inside them because there is always a leek.
Can linesmen enter the Hall of Fame? Yes, because they decide who's HOFside.
What soup killed Rob Stark? Italian Wedding Massacre.
What ingredient is essential when baking a Star Wars cake?
Bicarbonate of Yoda
I almost got in trouble because I tried to talk to someone in the same room as me over the phone...
...It was a close call.
Panda ghosts love to eat bam-boo.
Having a ball this weekend with my best friends
My dog went on his first date.
But she was a mal-TEASE.
Did you hear about the pick-up artist who only ever wears green leaves on his head? Yeah, he’s definitely a pineapple smoothie.
I didn't know WiFi stood for Wireless Fidelity.
I guess I just didn't get the connection.
What do you say to a pensive flower?
A peony for your thoughts?
If man’s bet friend is a dog, would a unicorns best friend be a corn dog?
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth today
Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent.
What is a tornado's favorite movie? Gone With the Wind!
Why didn’t Bob drink a glass of water with 8 pieces of ice in it?
It was too cubed.
How did the pine propose to the apple? With a pineapple ring.
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