Where did the kittens go on a school field trip? To the mewseum
What did the skiier say when his standup act was going downhill fast?
There snow possible way these puns could be more painful.
A piece of cheese sees his cheese friend looking a little disheveled. “Are you OK?” he asks.
“I’ve felt grater”, his friend coughed.
Why were there cows on the baseball field?
Because they were looking for the bullpen.
Some types of meat like to play around a lot. These are generally the game types.
Did you hear about the love affair between sugar and cream? It was icing on the cake.
What time do spacemen get up? Alien in the morning.
Despite his puns being so orange-inal, nobody really likes them.
Why did the little girl color her paper heart pink rather than red?
She was feeling lighthearted.
What do you call a fruit that cannot get married?
A cantelope.
Pardon me if I’m being pool-itically incorrect.
What do you get when you cross a pig and a chicken? The best bacon-and-eggs of your life.
I’ve been experimenting with attaching various kitchen utensils to my power drill
I got mixed results.
What is a female "Douchebag" in France called??
A douche-baguette.
Why do you need a password to make a camp fire?
So you can log in.
A priest is the best catch for a tiger as they like to prey.
What country do marathoners retire to?
Iran.
What do you call a happy rabbit? An Hop-timist.
Why don’t cows drink artificial milk? It’s too pow-dairy.
Poured beer over my garden before planting the lawn. I hoped the grass would come up half cut.
When I gave the wrong answer about Austrian composers in class, my teacher said, "Are you Schubert that?"
What does a goat call his girlfriend?
Bae.
My wife asked me why I bought a pear tree.
I told her "what, you told me to grow a pear."
I used to make extra money by selling illegal tennis equipment on the side, but I was approached by some thugs who told me to stop.
I guess they control the Tennis Racket around here.
What do you call a girl watermelon cop on the beat? A water fe-melon duty.
How do berries start off the fruity olympics? They cherry the Olympic torch around the globe.
Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing!
My realtor sold me a two-story house.
One story before the offer, another story after the offer.
Q. Why do educated gorillas like the numbers 1, 3, 5, 7, 11 and 13?
A. 'Cause they're prime apes.
What does a queen want on her cookie?
Royal Icing.
What did 2 tell 3 when he saw 6 acting like an idiot?
Don’t worry about him. He’s just a product of our times.
I love complimentary WiFi.
It makes me feel good about myself.
Q: Why was young Tutankhamun home from school?
A: He caught a gold.
Why is "dark" spelled with a K?
Because you can't C in the dark.
*Creating password*
"MTWTFSS_MTWTFSS"
ERROR: [Password two week]
Why do plants hate math?
Because it gives them square roots.
A team of mushrooms was playing basketball against a team of cabbages. The mushrooms won. Everyone cheered for the champignons.
The crowd had filled up the venue and everyone was waiting for the bowling alley to open. Finally, they got the ball rolling.
My doctor told me to cut down on red meat.
So, could you brown it up a bit?
I'm feeling exceptionally alone in this cold weather. It's probably because I'm completely ice-olated.
I saw a beaver and I thought it was odd. Then I saw another semiaquatic creature and I thought it was otter.
What is worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxis.
What is the best way to stop a pizza curling?
Hide its brush.
Who does a fish call when his piano breaks?
The piano tuna!
Did you hear about the monk who was caught molesting kids? Yeah, bastard was telling the poor kids to touch his eunuch-horn.
The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested.
I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence.
Why was the penguin popular?
Because he was an ice guy.
Did you get to hear his new collection of wolf puns? They are howl-arious, absolutely rib cracking.
Did you hear about the birds of prey on black Friday?
It was a free for owl.
What newspaper do cows read?
The Daily Moos.
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