Why did the butcher work overtime at the grocery store? To make ends meat!
I saw a sign on the bus the other day.
It said "please give this seat to the elderly."
So I ripped it out and took it home for my grandad
What did the dough say after half an hour in the oven?
I’m bready.
What did the salt say when the phosphate asked to bond with it?
"NaCl ater."
Why are werewolves better than vampires?
Werewolves don’t have a problem with steaks.
What do horses get after graduating university?
A pedegree.
What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations? Tinselitis!
Why do people love juicy pineapple? Because it “ripens” their day.
So what did the Mother bee say to her misbehaving bee son.
Beehive!
What is Jehovah's witness' favorite band? The Doors.
In Ireland, they really like to ham it up.
What did the poop shoveler say when he quit his job?
"I'm dung with this sh*t!"
While cutting the onions, my eyes were leek-ing tears
Wine Lovers Rhyme: A friend of wine is a friend of mine!
Waiter, waiter, do you have frog legs?
No, I always walk this way.
What did the pig say to his friend who had been cheated upon?
Please don't go bacon this relationship.
What did the perverted pumpkin use for his pick-up line?
Hey gourd-geous! Wanna go back to my place and squash?
Who was the smartest man in the Bible?
Abraham. He knew a Lot.
How do crabs evade taxes?
They set up shell corporations.
What do ghost cowboys wear?
Boooots.
I had a girlfriend that went scuba diving...
One day I lobster and never flounder again.
What did the nut tree say when his wife left him? I walnut stand for this!
What should you wear when you play against the National Volleyball Team? Football helmets.
What's a vampire's favorite fruit?
A neck-tarine.
I don't agree with battery hens.
Surely they'd lay bigger eggs if they were plugged into the mains.
How do turtles communicate with each other?
With shell phones.
I yam what I yam.
How does a snake shoot something?
With a boa and arrow.
My father quietly retired from his job as an eye glass manufacturer yesterday.
He didn’t want to make a spectacle.
I had one nutty nightmare last night, it gave me a kola sweat.
Where did the onion find his family history?
In the archives
Whenever I hear folksy stories about the hills, I can never get over them.
How the tree introduce themselves to the dentist?
“Implant”
The stormy weather affected my ability to remember my alphabets. I remember A, B, C, D, and F but I misty.Someone got hurt from a fistful of grass thrown at them with force. When they pressed charges, the cops charged the culprit with physical grass-ault.
What is it called when a tree has spine problems?
ScoliOAKsis.
I went to the hardware store and told the cashier I had to replace the plumbing for my sink. "Water pipes?" She asked.
I replied, "The round tubes that liquid flows through."
Watson: Sherlock, what type of rock is this amazing specimen?
Holmes: It’s sedimentary, my dear Watson.
It's tough to tell if the sky is ever happy or not. It always looks so blue!
You seem a little mer-mad.
What do fish take to stay healthy?
Fish take Vitamin Sea to stay healthy!
Wolves love shopping and they can literally die for. However, none of them loves the flea market for obvious reasons!
Why does a chicken coop have two doors?
Because if had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.
A cross-eyed teacher can't control his pupils.
I'm studying the meaning of couches in different parts of the world.
It's really PhillySOFAcal.
How were these puns about puns?
They were pun-questionably pun-fortunate!
What do you call an 80s synth pop band with a scoop of ice cream? Depeche a la Mode.
What did the ice cream cone write on his valentine card?
You make me melt.
An Iranian entrepreneur opened a copy shop.
It's called *Prints of Persia*.
Why did the rude unicorn not say hello to the other? Because while the pace (face) was familiar, he
just couldn’t remember the mane (name).
What cheese do beavers like? eDam
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