Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?
Because then it'd be a foot!
Have you ever heard of Pavlov’s dog?
Yeah, he rings a bell
To resolve the internal issues at the office, crows involved their cawnflict mediators.
What do you tell your friend after she breaks up with a cheese lover?
You’re cheddar off without him!
What do you get if you cross a new born snake with a basketball?
A bouncing baby boa.
Why are tigers striped? Because they never want to be spotted.
If you think Earth has too few human-animal hybrids, then it behooves you to become a centaur.
What does Santa Claus say when he flies through a rainbow? Hue hue hue, merry Christmas!
What is small, has a long tail and works with the police?
A gerbil shepherd dog!
What's more impressive than a talking fish?
A spelling bee.
What kind of cats like to go bowling?
Alley cats.
Hear about the race between the Yeti and the Sasquatch?
The Sasquatch won, by a big foot.
Why couldn't the alpha helix say the alphabet?
Because it broke up every time it got to L-amino P.
Why didn't ancient Romans reuse crosses after crucifixions?
To avoid cross contamination
What do you call a light-headed elephant?
An ele-faint.
Most people have off on Independence Day. Except fire.
Fire-works on 4th of July.
The baker just felt this incredible knead to make bread. That’s certainly the truth.
If you don’t properly seal the lids on your spice rack...
You’re going to have a bad Thyme.
Why did the mouse stay inside?
Because it was raining cats and dogs.
What do whales do when they get angry?
They blow up and then let off steam.
What do you do with epileptic lettuce? You make a seizure salad!
I'm going to start a business selling worms and Nintendo consoles
I'll call it "Bait and Switch."
Where do most koala movie stars live? In Koalawood, Koalafornia, of course!
What type of football player is the biggest drug addict?
The lineman.
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade; when life gives you apples, make physics equations.
(Looking at you Newton).
If you try to stretch a fork to see if it breaks...
Are you testing its utensil strength?
Why was the artist in an argument? She wanted to have the final clay.
This event is sure to be out of bounds.
I’ve got a great idea for an automatic orange peeling machine I hope it bares fruit.
What did the baby goat say to his father?
I kid you not.
What is an astronauts favorite chocolate? A marsbar!
What’s a shark’s favorite science fiction TV show?
Shark Trek.
I got fired from my job as a submarine pilot.
I just don't get it. My performance reviews always said my work was sub-standard.
Do you hear about the pineapple and honeydew who try to get married? The court says that they cant – eloupe.
My son was injected with poisoned blood from a person from Finland
He said "I am finnished."
What if someone made raisins with juice in them
That would be grape.
Why was the horse feeling a bit sick?
Its voice was a bit hoarse.
I’m icing the kicker – and by kicker, I mean beer.
Two ghosts were at a disco. One was having a fa-boo-lous time and the other wanted to boo-gie all night long!
There is a Giant Screwdriver attacking the city. Please seek shelter immediately. This is not a drill.
I do find that flamingos don’t plan very well for the future… They’re too prone to putting all their eggs in the one basket.
Q: What do vegetables wish for, more than anything else in the whole world?
A: Peas on earth!
Did you hear about the volleyball players who are getting married? They say it was love at first spike.
Why did the pony ask for a glass of water?
Because he felt like he was a little horse.
Before I ducked out to the shops, my wife asked me to put ketchup on the shipping list.
Now I can't read it.
I gave my wife that new gorilla glue chapstick...🦍💄
It left her speechless
I whisper my sins to crows
So my parents can't hear me confess to a murder
"On cloud wine."
How do you know if an ant is a boy or a girl?
If you toss it in the water and it sinks, it’s a girl. If the ant floats, it’s a buoyant.
I wondered why flamingos were so strong, so I did a little research. Turns out they do a lot of eggs-er-cise.
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