What do zombie actors do before they perform?
They re-hearse.
What's a zombie's least favorite quiz question?
A no-brainer.
What do you get when you cross a parrot with a shark?
An animal that talks your head off.
Do you be-leaf in magic?
Digging trenches during the middle ages was seen as a great honor because it showed someone's shovelry!
Did you hear about the little grape who didn’t want to be made into wine?
Unfortunately, he was pressed into service!
Why couldn’t the cat finish watching her movie? Because she had it on paws!
Where do school-going vampires carry their books?
In bat-packs.
If H2O is the formula for water, what is the formula for ice? H2O cubed.
How did the skeleton baker make bread?
He Knee-d it.
I bought a secured warehouse where I keep appliances to clean pots, pans, plates, and silverware.
It's dishwasher safe!
What do you call Bigfoot from Canada?
Sasquatch-ewan.
What’s small, furry and slightly purple? A koala holding its breath!
Why did the bat often use mouthwash? She had bat breath.
Why did the larger car go first?
It had the right of weigh.
My football teammate asked me, “On a scale of 1-10, how do you rate our after-victory celebration?”
I gave him a high five.
And speaking of meloncholy, I heard that’s what you get when you cross a watermelon and broccoli.
What kind of dishes do skeletons serve tea on?
Bone china.
My wife and I had a huge argument as to whose turn it was to do laundry.
Eventually, I folded.
Basketball players at times get athletes foot. Come to think of it, it is like the missle toe astronauts get.
What did one Emperor Penguin say to the other?
Nothing, he just gave him the cold shoulder.
Why don’t you see penguins in Britain?
Because they’re afraid of Wales.
The oldest computer was an apple given to Adam and Eve back in paradise lost, but it came with very limited memory of just 1 byte. And then everything crashed.
The earth's rotation really makes my day.
What do they call Bigfoot in Europe?
Bigmeter.
What is the collective noun for Ghosts? Team spirit.
What did the salad lover say to his girlfriend?
You will Romaine in my heart forever ?
Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.
What was the snail doing on the highway? About one mile a day!
Basketball players are not that patient to follow-through an elaborate court-ship procedure.
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?
They’re pair-a-medics.
My toilet just turned one today.
It was her bidet.
What is a cow's favorite deli meat? Bull-ogna!
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite drink?
A juice pouch.
Why was the gardener so embarrassed? He wet his plants!
While breaking up with Princess Peach, Mario said "You are so peachy, I can't take it anymore".
I think I drank some expired milk. I just have a gut feeling.
What do you call a fake bone?
A faux-knee.
I went to the hardware store and told the cashier I had to replace the plumbing for my sink. "Water pipes?" She asked.
I replied, "The round tubes that liquid flows through."
Which Old Testament prophet took forever to make a point?
“I say… uhhh…” (say it out loud)
Why was the wheelchair basketball team banned from the Paralympics?
They all tested positive for WD-40.
Fairies just wand to have fun.
What kind of eels can travel on land?
Wheels.
When do monkeys fall from the sky?
During ape-ril showers.
I was hoping my friend would catch the lemon-lime soda i tossed her.
But unfortunately Sierra Mist
What did James Bond’s mom say as she was giving birth?
"I’ve been expecting you, Mr. Bond."
What did the llama get when he graduated school?
A dipllama.
My wife has been giving me a hard time about my drinking. Eventually, I agreed to quit cold turkey.
Never cared for leftovers anyway.
What did four of the last five presidents drink? Left-Tea.
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