Why do trees have to drink responsibly? Otherwise, they become a bunch of trunk idiots.
Don't drink too much coffee after breakfast. You might face a latte problems.
What is a skeletons favorite meal?
Anything with Ribs.
Why did the Dalmatian have to go to the eye doctor?
He kept seeing spots.
Up to snow good.
Why does Britain like tea so much?
Because tea leaves.
Do you be-leaf in magic?
Went to a game with my dad today and as we were standing up to sing, the veteran in him kicked in and he began tearing up. I said to him, "You know, technically, national anthems are just…
…country music."
An astronaut broke up with his girlfriend
Apparently he didn't love her to the moon and back.
What do you call a man with no body and no nose?
Nobody knows
What do fruit wear when they go swimming? A one-peach bathing suit.
Why is it a bad idea to give a cow marijuana?
The steaks are too high.
Why did the other volleyball team bow? Because they heard that the queens of the court were there.
During World War 2, sending food to the troops was a challenge. Researchers had to concentrate to figure out how to send orange juice.
The best part of astrology is reading your daily horror-scope.
Which technique does a Gorilla borrow from another animal when it gets romantic? The bear hug!
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher that got killed by her students?
She couldn’t control her pupils.
What do you call an elf who runs away from Santa's Workshop? A rebel without a Claus!
In the old times, the medieval kings and queens would only visit the dentist just before their coronation. This is because they wanted their teeth crowned!
Have you botany plants lately?
What do you get if you cross Bossy with a vampire?
Dracowla.
I am lucky to live in an airport, but whenever the guard comes out at night, Heathrows me out.
Tennis is a lot like waiting tables. The most important thing to get right is the first serve.
I like my wine sweet and my humor dry.
What is a flamingo's favorite ride at a theme park? The flamingo-karts.
Why are you eating a banana with the skin on? Oh, it's all right. I know what's inside.
What did the husband say when his wife told him he bought the wrong flowers?
"Oopsie daisy!"
What did the mayonnaise say when somebody opened the refrigerator? “Hey, close the door! I’m dressing!”
The school teacher tells you to spit out your gum, while the locomotive says “Choo Choo Choo!”
What kind of money snowmen use in the North Pole?
Cold cash!
Why are hands so reliable?
Because you can always count on them.
What is the difference between archeology and grave robbing?
About 200 years
I can't stand when people kick me in the back of the leg.
What do you call a necromancer werewolf?
A dog with a bone.
Why do pigs make awful football players?
They don’t like playing with the “pig skin.”
My wife said that onions are the only vegetable that makes her cry
So I threw a pumpkin at her
Why won’t you ever find a unicorn in the army? Because they don’t like wearing uniforms.
Hope you’re wide open on [date].
Why was Julius Caesar the first dictator of Rome?
He was the only one with the Gaul to try it.
What do you call a noisy group of crows?
A caw-cophony!
How did the small oven greet the large oven?
He Microwaved.
I just caught a walking pear tree...
In my Pear Ent trap.
You must be copper and terillium because you are Cu-Te
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Peanut.
Peanut who?
Peanut butter open the door!
Why did the banana go to the doctor?
It wasn’t PEELING well.
I thought of a new joke that started in a corn field.
But I'm not going to post it bc it's too corny.
Why did the cow fall down while being milked? Because the rug was pulled out from udder it.
Why did the thieves kidnap the monkey?
Because they believed in gibbon take.
Physics student asks to go to bathroom.
Professor asks "Liquid, Solid or Gas?"
When is it appropriate to sleep in a bathtub?
When you're feeling drained.
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